Staying at home because LO is sick

[Tiffanygirl]

I posted this in Parenting first and don't know how to delete it now, but this topic is more related to my issue

Hi all
I wonder if I find more understanding and adequate advice here. I asked this question on a UK business forum and didn't get much support at all. But I still have a feeling what is happening is wrong. And now having number of people saying to me "no it's fine, you are in the wrong" and not giving fair solution upsets me.

So here is the story:

Our toddler started nursery 2 months ago and I went back to work part time.
Since the very 1st insert session in the nursery LO is getting sick very often. I think we had 5 or 6 different sicknesses now, which she'd also pass to us sometimes.
So during this 2 months my husband took three days off to look after our toddler. The rest of the time she was poorly was on me, some days I'm not supposed to be at work because I'm part time, some others I am.
Last time my husband was off to look after LO he was working from home too, he received an email from one of the bosses asking to "make other arrangements next time his child is sick because they need him in the office.
Next day he went to work and was told by his manager that "maybe your wife should take time off instead".
I surely not going to leave my baby if he can't take days off anymore, but this would mean for me to take time off twice as often compared to if we shared responsibilities.
At first I felt this was sexist since his company feels he doesn't need to look after his child, his wife can. But people on UK business forum criticised me for that saying that they could just the same way demand for a grandfather to look after LO, or a gay male partner. So it dismisses sexism (though I'm not really convinced employer would expect grandad to look after sick kid and not his parents. I just feel they wouldn't say that about grandad, but to expect it from mum is fine). And so with a degree of neglect I was told I'm just seeking support to build a sexism case, which isn't true, but I do feel it would be unfair to expect me to be the only one to take time off everytime lo is poorly. I don't imagine my employer telling me that my husband should take time off in future.
Can someone tell me, can employer prohibit you taking day off to stay with your sick child? Is it our right to stay home with a poorly baby?
Do we have any "equality" rights here, aka we babysit in turns, etc? I just can't help to feel they expect that it would be me taking time off and not him, full stop.
We don't have any family to help us, babysitter will charge pretty much what I'd earn being at work +time getting ready and getting to work.
My husband is now crossed with them for lack of empathy and understanding. He is a hard worker and done a lot for the company over the years. Now we are going through this difficult winter building immune defence and there is not much we can do if lo is sick. He is on the edge of handing in his resignation over the fuss they made because of these 3 instances. 3 separate days since we started nursery he was off.
Any advice and tips would be great. Thank you.

And now having number of people saying to me "no it's fine, you are in the wrong" and not giving fair solution upsets me

This tickled me. You’re basically saying you want people to post and agree with you because you didn’t like people on the other forum tell you that the company aren’t sexist and within their rights to address attendance issues.

Classic MN.

Anyway, it’s not up to others to give you a solution. You and your husband need to figure this out, in-line with the policies of your respective companies.

It is hard when children are sick and both parents are working. DH and I have been there - when DC started nursery we seemed to have conjunctivitis followed by sickness followed by chicken pox followed by sickness followed by...

The good news is that is usually gets better. And now that DC are at school they are rarely ill.

My advice would be that both of you talk to your employers. Explain that this is difficult right now, that DC seems to be picking up every bug going and ask what works best in terms of managing work. Would they prefer you to take annual leave, unpaid leave, work the hours back...

I am lucky that my employer will let me work from home knowing that I will start early and finish late even if I have to take time to look after ill DC in between. But I do it knowing that I have an understanding boss.

If you don't have a lot of annual leave you could put in for some unpaid parental leave to cover a week off for a summer holiday which would then save you some days to take for emergencies.

Even now, on the rare occasions that DC are ill we have a conversation around who can most easily reschedule stuff. It sometimes means DH going to work but coming home early afternoon at which point I start working and finish very late.

You are perfectly entitled to stay at home just like your employer is perfectly entitled to give you warnings that could/will probably lead to dismissal for poor attendance. The reason doesn't matter.

What wasn't clear from your original post is whether your husband's company know that you are sharing the time off between you? If he has taken his third day off in 3 months to look after your child, they may well assume that he is covering all the illness (because even for a new child in nursery that is a lot of illness). Do they understand that he is not doing this all on his own?

I think your husband would be very rash to hand in his resignation because of this - how will that help in the long term? What you need to look at is alternatives to what is happening now - what kind of illness is your child picking up, is it just exposure to a lot of new bugs in a new setting or is there some underlying condition which is making them susceptible to picking things up, is there something you can do to improve their immune system? Is nursery the best childcare setting for them - perhaps they might be better with a childminder? You mention that a babysitter would be very expensive to cover your illness but if that is actually an option for you then you may have to suck it up in the short-term? (Although I don't know if you have investigated this, a babysitter may not want to look after a sick child or you may not want to leave them, depending on the illness). If you think this is genuinely just a winter of "settling-in" sickness then at least the good news is that Spring is on the way and things should hopefully improve soon.

Obviously we wouldn't expect it to be paid.

But you do, you expect your husband to be able to work at home - and be paid - while he looks after the baby!

You obviously think you are in the right here, regardless of however many forums you try that give the opposite opinion.

You're not responding to the key question. Did your OH said he was working from home and then it came about that he was looking after your child? If so, he was disgenuine and it's no surprise his employer got annoyed hence the comment. Ultimately, they can say what they want, what matters is what they would actually do next time. What seems clear is that they won't accept him saying he is working from home when actually caring for a poorly baby.

It does also seem a lot of time off for a poorly baby. Babies will get colds, teething pains etc..., you need to balance when it is such that they are much better at homecwith mum and dad and when it really doesn't make much of a difference and they are OK staying at nursery. Of course, if it is nursery calling and asking for you to pick them up, that's more difficult to challenge.