Missing work, jealous of husbands career and, dare I say it, bored at home...anyone feel the same?

[Lulurose]

Have been feeling very fed up recently, I am a 32 yr old SAHM with two dds 2.5 and 18mths (who, it goes without saying I love to bits).

Although I went back to work briefly when dd 1 was 8 months we decided that after our second arrived it would make financial sense for me to take a few years out to be at home since we have no family around to help out and the cost of a nursery/childminder for two would mean I was working for relatively little financial reward. My DH also felt strongly that he did not want them left with "strangers" at such a young age, and I (at the time) agreed.

For the last few months I have begun to feel really jealous of DH going off to work each morning and very grumpy with him when he gets in, we both had similar reasonably well paid jobs (in Education) and I was on the brink of promotion when I fell pregnant and naively thought i would be able to pick up from where I left when I returned. I feel so out of touch and so unconfident now and I am beginning to feel resentful towards him for not making the most of the opportunities he has.

I have friends with children who work pt or are at home and I get out a lot, activities, P and T etc but most days I feel so guilty that I am not able to enjoy this time as much as I should.

Thankyou for listening

lulurose lots of sympathy. Now your dds are a bit older would you and your dh reconsider leaving them in childcare for a few hours a week?

Common catch-22 having childcare cost so much that returning to work is not financially 'worth it'. However if you would not actually be losing money, and would be gaining confidence, more interest and fulfilment in your life would it not be worth exploring returning to work part-time even if you wouldn't be significantly better off financially?

It's a shame to feel guilty for not enjoying your time with your dds, but you may enjoy it more if you can have a fulfiling professional life as well.

Also if you regain your confidence as well and feel happier in yourself surely your dds will benefit?

lulurose you could be me!!
dh has just got a fab new promotion and while i'm really happy for him, part of me is really jealous too.
i've never liked the thought of childcare so the kids have always been at home with me (they are 3yrs and 5 months) and while i think it's great and i have plenty of mum friends, i miss being a 'person' in my own right instead of just being 'mummy'
i would love to get a job - again i prob wouldn't earn enough to make it worthwhile, but i know i would just feel too guilty leaving the kids with someone who is not mummy or daddy
i also feel like i am wasting my degree that i worked so hard for, and that any job i could get (with decent holidays and hours etc etc) would be pants anyway!
i know what you mean about the boredom tho - i love my kids to bits but it is boring when that's all you do all day everyday. i would love to use my brain again - although not sure how much of it is left!

Hi Lulu! I work full time plus and am frazzled to death. Thought you might be interested in a recent survey which has probably been discussed on here but am relatively new and can't find it. Am told that apparently mums who work part-time are happiest. A tip for both of us?

sorry didn't even answer the question did I?

Meant to say yes I am definitely feeling the same - have recently had a baby and had been wondering before ds arrived whether I would feel like this or would want to stick to my own 'don't want to put ds in childcare' principle.

Already I don't think I will stick to that! Not til he's a bit older but I will have to do some work pt at some point to prevent my brain from melting away altogether!

i totally understand that feeling, and to be honest, it only goes away if you start work again and start doing well at it. the easiest way to justify the childcare costs is to say only half is your responsibility, so you earn enough to pay half the childcare, and your dh earns enough to pay the other half. otherwise yes, your salary will always disappear into nursery costs. don't think it matters though if you are ultimately happier.

honey if you can afford not to work full time - DON'T DO IT.

I've worked full time since ds was 5 months and have found it a strain to say the least.

Need cash to pay bills and do job where pt is not really an option.

Not so bad at moment because job is walking distance from house, but thought I was going completely insane a few months ago.

Yes I have a career and stuff to talk to men about that isn't just babies, but I know where my heart is.

So MsLucy do you think that part-time is the best option? Keeps brain in gear without being majorly stressful?

yes, if you work in an industry that allows it.

I work in TV production on a contract basis.

I work full time and then a gap.

There are some part time jobs, but they are few and far between.

I think part time is ideal for women with little ones because it allows you to enjoy your kids and still have some money/identity etc.

having said that, I was out with an old friend the other day who was bemoaning her lack of "career" - she does odd bits of part time work so she can be with her kids.

I thought lucky cow about her; she thought lucky cow about me.

Thankyou so much for all your replies, I am so glad i'm not alone in feeling this way. I have honestly been feeling like there is something wrong with me in the fact that I can't find pleasure in housework, playdough (again) and endless visits to the park in the rain...

I know i'm lucky in the fact that its not essential that I work to pay the bills etc but we do have to be very careful and, living in London we are mortgaged up to the max!

beanbag..I think part time work will be the way forward once my eldest is at school nursery even if it only means breaking even after childcare, I think you're right, this would boost my confidence no end.

daisybo..thankyou for posting...we do sound like we're in the same boat, feeling our degree etc being wasted, its such a change in status being a SAHM, much more than i'd ever anticipated.

MsLucy..thanks, I know i'm probably thinking the grass is greener but I know it must be hugely stressful working FT with little ones, its just the constant grind of being at home with two under 2.5 that gets to me,and now my DH has started a leadership course which takes up all day Saturday, on top of a 6am-7pm day in the week so feeling a bit left out on lots of levels.

Thanks though, do feel more positive tonight

Hi lulurose,
I Have 2 girls, aged 6 and 2 and I work FT, 5 1/2 hours at the office two hours at home everyday. When I went back to work after DD2, I felt terrible. I didn't want to work and I was very unhappy, but I had to work for financial reasons. But even though I was unhappy at work, at home I was more relaxed than when I was on maternity leave, especially with DH. When I was at home on ML, if my husband wanted to go out with friends, I would feel very jelaous. Now, I am more relaxed with everything. At work I am happier, and so I am at home. I like going to work at talk to people about something else a part from babies and kids, and more I like having my own money, so I don't have to give reasons if I spent all.

Hi again,
If you feel a little unhappy, I would talk to your DH, and if you do feel that you want to go back to work PT, even if this means to leave the LOs with "strangers", he shoudl agree to it. Some people are just right for staying at home with the kids, but if this doesn't do it for you, you should put it very clear to your DH, or you may regret it later. I think is better a happy mum for some hours a day than an unhappy mum 24/7.

Could your dh work part time if you find a full time job?

It's a nightmare isn't it? I'm considering retraining as a florist, but still struggling to work out how that fits in with childcare - well, it doesn't actually.

I had this problem a few months ago, was a SAHM for 5yrs and was starting to get bored as youngest going to play school and so i applied to be a Home carer and got the job.
I've been doing it now for 4 months and although it is hard work with early starts on weekends and late nights during the week we manage quite well.
Out of a typical week i'm home to put the kids to bed 4 times and my DH does 3.
So he is not being neglected or anything.
He only has to get the kids up ONE day a week.
But if feel as he resents me working, he never asks me how work went or says have a nice evening/morning whatever.
He seems to want me to jack it in as he says we don't need the money but i've told him time and time again its not all about the money as the maximum i do is 20hrs a week anyway.
Its also for my self esteem and to get my confidence back.
He still gets his dinner on the table when he gets back from work, all the housework done and the gardening.
He's just pissing me off at the moment.
He gives me housekeeping money of just under £500 and i'm fed up of asking for top ups.
I just want some money of my own to treat the kids and myself.
Oh yeah, and he's recently got a classic bus restored at a cost of £20,000 but he forgot to mention that.
Sorry, rant over.
AB

Goodness, is there still such a thing as "housekeeping money"??

Well that's what he calls it. we have seperate bank accounts and he just deposits it each month.
AB

Even if you have separate a/c's, surely you should split disposable income more fairly? Don't blame you for having a rant really.

Where does your salary go?

Scratch that last question, very nosey of me.

Any better Lulurose?

Hi there, yes feeling ok thanks. A part time maternity cover post has come up at my old work place and am considering applying if I can get some childcare options in place...

Thanks for all the posts x