Return or not?

[Sammie255]

Just out of interest i’m wondering what others would do in my situation...
So basically i’ve worked in an office environment for the past 15 years and worked up to managerial level, never had time off sick and worked hard. I never particularly enjoyed the job much but it paid well and my colleagues are reasonably nice.
I’m now on maternity leave and i’m due to go back in the summer and the anxiety has already set in and causing many sleepless nights.
My replacement at work seems to be doing a good job and I get the impression that i’m not particularly missed that much.

So my question is would you go back to work if money wasn’t an issue...my partner fortunately can manage on his salary alone so i’d purely be going back part-time for my own sanity but sending LO to nursery 3 days a week which my wages would essentially pay for!
For those who have stayed at home and raised their LO has it driven you stir crazy? I’m worried that all the mummy friends i have made will all be going back to work and i’m just going to slowly go insane or am I being selfish and should put LO first?

Help?!

I would go back and see how it goes. Don’t underestimate how important work is for your sanity and self esteem. People can be terrible at keeping in touch when you’re not around but don’t take it personally.
It’s also good to keep something on your CV as it’s much harder to get a job again with a gap.

You should do whats right for you in this situation, because you being happy is the most important thing for your child/ren.
It's a very personal choice and nobody can tell you because what is right for one person might not work for another.
I was always a sahm, threw myself in to it and treated it as my job, not to define myself personally but the role, so I could be the best I could.
For me it was a no brainer, no way could I go back to work post kids.
We weren't in the position to live on one wage, so we got ourselves in the position whatever it took. iyswim. This was our decision though and nothing to do with anyone else.
All I can advise is if you do become a sahm you make sure you have provision for old age, people say a pension, but it doesn't have to be. make sure you have the correct insurances, and also think about if you change your mind or want to go back when the kids start school. It can be difficult to get the same level or job for some people.
If you aren't bothered what you do then you can get a job if you've been unemployed for 20+ years.

I could've gone back to work but want to be a SAHM. It was a shock tbh I thought I'd be bored to a tear but I never stop! I do have a bit of loneliness as my friends with similar ages kids I thought would be more keen to meet up but no, and it's hard to make new friends as toddler groups seem to be mums going with other friends so they stick to themselves. This is the only downfall, tbh it's worth it! I will probably send LO to nursery at about 2-3 years old to give her confidence without me and prepare her for school. The way I look at it is I want to be a SAHM now, if I change my mind, I can sort that out then. I don't feel stir crazy unless we're stuck at home for whatever reason, I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to be with my LO so much - best person I've ever met!

I'm very, very glad I never stopped working.
You have to think long term, in terms of the money. Yes, childcare is expensive for a couple of years, but you are still paying in to your pension, and you are keeping your skills up to date (depending on work, also sometimes registrations, or networks, or whatever). I think when you are at work you don't realise quite how many little changes, upgrades, new methods, new little ways of doing things happen all the time - if you miss even just 3 years of those, it leaves you a bit out on a limb. But once you've stayed at home for a couple of years, then it doesn't seem 'the right time' to go back just as they start school, or maybe another child comes along and you feel you should do the same, so most people who SAHP, do it for longer than 2 - 3 years, so the skills (and often confidence) get even more rusty and out of date.

I reckon the best thing is to go back, give it a good 6 months, and then see how you feel. Easier to resign then, than to try to get back in, if you've resigned now and decide you made the wrong choice.

I'm wondering about this now. I've always worked, after 2 dc were born I went back FT as the role needed it (but had great flexibility so didn't feel I was missing out, it felt like best of both worlds).

We've now moved and my new role's commute is longer and I'm thinking of asking for PT or quitting.

I don't need to balance it all anymore and I've suddenly decided I no longer want to either.

I'd probably look to take 2 years out and then see.

In your shoes, I’d consider it if I was married.

Unmarried, no.

Thank you for your replies.

@JustHereForThePooStories Interested to know how being married would affect your decision?

I gave up my job after mat leave, as we moved away from the city we were both working in and it was too far for us both to commute. My son is 14 mo this now and I am beginning to go a bit stir crazy! Although I have met and made friends here, and we go to groups and generally have a very good life! My husband earns more than enough for us to live on.

My DS will be starting two mornings a week at nursery in a month or so, to give me back some time and sanity. At that point - once I know he's happy - I will look to go back to work. Because I like working, and I need it in my life for me, not really for the money.

In theory it sounds great, but I'm already worrying about having had 3/4 months unemployed, how to cover it on my CV etc. But overall I think I made the right choice.

Being married effects it because if you decide to stop working and stop earning money and your partner then decides to leave you or relationship just breaks down, you have nothing. If there's nothing else in a marriage, there's at least entitlement when it breaks down.

Women often underestimate what becoming SAHP can mean - it's no pension, skills going out of date, often incredibly hard to get back into work 3,5,10 years down the line.

I do know exactly how you feel, being on maternity leave myself, but in your shoes I'd go back - part time if you can. I'm reducing down to 4 days and yes, it's going to be hard and I'm going to feel incredibly guilty but it's what's right for me and the family .

Interested to know how being married would affect your decision?

If you’re unmarried, you don’t have the protection that the legal contract affords you in the case of a split. For examples, you’d have no claim on your boyfriend’s pension.

I would NOT have gone back to work had I been in your position. It was financially necessary for me to do so but it was ridiculously difficult for a good few years. If you have family who can take your baby/toddler at a moments notice when they are sick, go for it. You might find it easier than I did. Being a working Mum did absolutely nothing for my sanity.

I've got to be honest - I hated being a SAHM. I didn't have a job to go back to so it seemed a natural decision to stay at home and it was something I really wanted to do for DS. I lasted 12 months before losing the plot! Ended up going back to school and retraining, just so I can get a job.

On the plus side, DS loves his childminder and I'm finally doing a job I enjoy, so we're all much happier.

I think you need to find a way forward that leaves doors open. Can you take extended maternity unpaid for a few months, just to see how you get on?

Women often underestimate what becoming SAHP can mean - it's no pension, skills going out of date, often incredibly hard to get back into work 3,5,10 years down the line.

It depends on how you look at it and what you want from life.

A pension isn't necessary, it's provision that's important. You can do this in other ways than working to provide a pension.

Skills going out of date need not be a problem, you may find totally different work than previously with a new skill set. Or it might be irrelevant if you don't go back.

It isn't hard to find work, why would it be harder
You can walk in to many jobs if you aren't choosy.

@RomanyQueen1 MN is absolutely full of threads where women who have been SAHM's for a good few years are struggling to find work .

You're right, a pension isn't the be all and end all but unless you've got a property portfolio or substantial savings/investments, a pension is the best option - particularly when the workplace are paying in to it too.

I'd love the option to be a SAHM - however, I think long term (and especially in this case the OP is unmarried) it would be wrong for me as I wouldn't get back to where I am now, I'd lose out on a public sector pension and i think I'd go mad.

yes, I know I see threads where women are worried, I was too.
However, now I'm actively seeking work, waiting on a specific job atm, it isn't difficult if you aren't too fussy.
Min wage is all you can expect if you've had many years out, but the jobs are there, even after 30 years of being a sahm.

Because, if you've spent 2 yrs doing A-levels, then 3 or 4 doing a degree, then possibly another 2 - 5 years trainings and taking more exams after that. You've spent maybe 10 years in the workplace building your skills, experience and reputation - in some cases your contacts and network, then, for many women it would be ridiculous to throw all that away and return to work in a minimum wage job.

Yes, if you are doing a min wage job before having your dc, or even slightly above that but in a basic, entry level job, then the advice might be different. People respond from their own experience.

it would be ridiculous to throw all that away and return to work in a minimum wage job

I guess it depends on your personal view, I certainly didn't think it was ridiculous as I believed my independence was of more value than working and losing independence and freedom.
I know other people think the complete opposite, that's fine, we're all different.