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Original poster

Left my baby to go back to work today

19 replies

Berrie · 02/09/2004 19:33

I started back at work today and left my lovely baby. I was really good at work and hardly cried because apart from anything else of all the terrible things that could happen, this isn't one of them but I can't stop now.
Will he still feel as much my baby as he did? I'm worried that when he has new little quirks instead of feeling proud, I'll just feel that someone else taught him it. I can't believe we're doing this it's the worst thing I've ever done.

OP posts:

Heathcliffscathy · 02/09/2004 19:36

berrie please stop! how old is he. i'm sure you've taken care about where he is when away from you..please please don't beat yourself up like this. if you think about it: attachment parenting follows the model of everyone in the village helping with the kids, therefore, definitely not just mum and dad looking after...as long as he has someone that cares about him while you are away he will be fine, if not enriched by the process, and no one no one no one will ever replace you: you are mummy!

god, no one would think that i've been torturing myself about putting ds into childminder two days a week...i've decided i'm being a wimp and i'm going to do it!

Original poster

Berrie · 02/09/2004 19:41

He is 9 months old and the childminder seems to be as good as I could hope for but he was so distraught after a three hour trial yesterday and sobbed for 45 minutes after I picked him up.

OP posts:

JiminyCricket · 02/09/2004 19:48

Spend plenty of time talking to whoevers looking after him at the beginning and end of the day and make sure you're really involved, also make sure to tell them all the new things you've noticed he can do. Phone up as often as you like, they won't mind. I tell myself that at some point all parents ought to want their kids to be able to develop independent relationships with other carers, and that that can be a plus for them, even if its hard for you. When you are with him try to spend as much of his waking hours doing fun stuff as you can - I try to save the dishes and the housework until dd's in bed. Dd loves her nursery and waves us off happily every morning (11 months, started at 6 months) and I feel we have a great relationship. Second Sophable on the 'wider family network' type idea. Its not for everyone to go back to work, but if you think its the right solution for you then stick with it. I thought I'd be gutted if anyone else saw her first tooth/first step etc, but actually I'm just really proud and interested to hear what she's been up to, also usually we tend to notice what she's up to first (either that or they kindly don't tell us!) Last week they said ' Oh we didn't know she does kisses', and we'd known for ages. Its also kind of nice when other people get excited about your child's development. I'm waffling, but HTH and hope things get easier for you x

Lisa78 · 02/09/2004 20:09

STOP THAT RIGHT NOW MADAM!!!!
God knows, I know exactly how you feel, I went back in June and would have gnawed my arm off to be with my baby, I think I cried regularly for a fortnight. Two weeks seems to be the magic time, you suddenly feel like you have never left work and go for great big chunks of time (minutes even) without thinking of him, and he will suddenly discover the childminders is fun and if he is anything like mine, be reluctant to leave.
But you know what, the biggest smiles are still for mummy when he sees her
Honestly Berrie, it will be fine for both of you, I promise

edam · 02/09/2004 20:45

God, it's tough, isn't it? I find, when I'm at work, I don't actually worry about ds because I'm too busy and because I know he's really happy at nursery (not just telling myself this, he really is). It's when I've got a spare minute (after he's in bed, usually) that I worry about missing out...

But, as the child of a working mother, I remind myself that I was very happy with my lovely childminder (who is still part of our family) and with the other people who looked after me. And that I was and am very proud of my mum ? she must have done something right, I'm now working in the same field myself. And that my mother and I are very close ? I phone her at least three or four times a week usually for a very long natter. In fact at one point I realised I was telling her far more about my life than dh, and had to make a really big effort to make some time for him!
Bit of a ramble, but the point is I'm very close to my mother who also worked full-time and I think I turned out OK...

PicadillyCircus · 02/09/2004 20:56

Berrie, I'm going back to work tomorrow

And my DS is 9 months as well. I'm very happy with his nursery, but they're not me are they? I know that he will be fine but I worry as well that he'll do new things there. He's just started cruising and I don't want him to walk first when I'm not there!

And when I pick him up he doesn't smell right! I know it means he's had cuddles, but it makes me realise I wasn't giveing them.

Sorry, I know this isn't helping you, but it helps me knowing I'm not the only one going through it.

When's your DS's birthday? Mine is 22nd November.

makamsi · 02/09/2004 21:06

I'm on week two of work (parttime) DS (12 months) is doing ok at childminders where he goes twice a week but cries a little bit as I wheel him in the door of the childminders in his buggy and tries to twist round in his buggy and put his hands out to me. That feels horrid. He also cries angrily as if to say "where have you been all this time" when I pick him up but only for a few seconds.
And PicadillyCircus I know what you mean about the smell. I "air out" DS's teddy that he naps with when he gets home because it smells of someone else's house and I don't want him going to sleep at night with that smell.
I am really on a rollercoaster as to whether I'm doing the right thing but I was getting bored towards the end of my maternity leave. However don't know if a long working day plus commute is the answer to that...........

Original poster

Berrie · 02/09/2004 21:18

Thanks Everyone ... P. Circus, His birthday will be on the 17th of November. I know what you mean about the smell it feels like he's covered in other peoples cuddles which is exactly what we wanted for him but it feels so strange, it makes me feel separate from him.
Edam, have you been back long? Did it take a fortnight to start to feel better like it did for Lisa78?

OP posts:

happyspider · 02/09/2004 21:55

oh the smell... I hate that: ds is 15 months now and he's been at nursery since he was 9months old and I still get upset when I can smell somebody's else perfume on his hair! It does mean that somebody else was hugging and cuddling him instead of me.

As to wether or not get used to it, you do, however after a while I started feeling guilty for forgetting him for a few hours, mainly when I was VERY busy or under pressure. Now I can't wait to get home in the evening...
oh... and any time I read an article about poor childcare in England on the way to work, I shamelessly cry on the train and ask myself what I am doing here!

happyspider · 02/09/2004 21:58

sorry, just reread my post, Berrie, and did not mean to scare you, what I meant was that you will never stop worrying about him, but it does get better. In my opinion the nursery is fine for my ds as it will teach him social skills from a very young age. It's true that we can give them all the love in the world, however they do need variety and need to meet and be with other people too

edam · 02/09/2004 22:23

Actually, I was suprised by how quickly ds settled into nursery and how quickly I got used to being back at work/having ds in nursery. Maybe a week before I stopped feeling wobbly about it? Of course, I still worry about it, and think about other ways of living our lives... but as I posted below, had a very happy experience of being the child of a working mum, ds is happy in nursery, I'm doing well at work so overall I'd say is working out fine.

PicadillyCircus · 03/09/2004 06:53

Today's the day.........I think having to wear a suit is going to be what I hate!

I'm working 8-4:15 so will pick DS up around 5pm.

Hugs to all of us working mummies out there

JLmum · 04/09/2004 15:30

Hello everyone, I am new here and making my first post. Can't believe I am going back to work on Monday. DS is 6 months old, and I think I have been crying more than him since he started nursery 3 days ago. Will this feeling of "empty-ness" when he is not with me ever go away?

hercules · 04/09/2004 18:46

Hi JLM. I find I'm so busy (teacher} I barely get time to think of dd at all!

Original poster

Berrie · 05/09/2004 08:18

Picadilly, how did it go? How was your baby? Mine seems fine after two days of it. He cries more when we put him down and he seems more sensitive to us leaving the room. Usually we just let him cry in his cot at night unless it lasts for more than a few minutes but I found that I just can't do that at the moment. I suppose we'll get used to it
JLmum I know just how you feel I was there too on Wednesday and Thursday. All I can tell you is that I'm not crying about it so easily now. Its only if I think about what we're doing in the evening really. It helps so much that he seems ok.
Hercules, I'm a teacher too, the children are in tomorrow for the first time. I'm a little nervous for some reason!
Edam,thanks for your thoughts, I'm just hoping that this time next week everything will seem easier.

OP posts:

uamum · 05/09/2004 22:32

Hi Berrie
I start work in three weeks time, my baby will be in nursery full time (5 days from 8:30am to 6pm). I am really dreading leaving him, it is going to be sooooo hard. I feel so guilty that he will spend more time at nursery than with me, I wish I didn't have to work and my employers were flexible about letting me go back part time. Please tell me it gets easier? Oh and my baba's birthday is also on November 17th (smile)

pollingfold · 06/09/2004 08:56

My heart goes out to all of you. There are many on here that have been through the sames feelings of anguish and guilt of returning to work. I cried each morning as I dropped DS off for weeks after and in the months preceeding it had tried every conceivable trick in the book with Dh to convince him that we could afford to live if I didn't return to work (which we couldn't.)

Even in the following months there are days when you get upset but they become very few and far between, as you realise that mummy and daddy get the special smiles, and they are who DS or DD race to at the end of the day

Over time things feel better, I realised that it was nice to have some me time, especially on days when I could have days off but still take DS into nursery !! (thats sounds awful!) I could get things done and DS liked the routine of nursery. I looked forward to picking him up at 6.30 and having an hour of fun before bedtime.

Now I am waiting for the arrival of no 2 and thought it best to take DS out of nursery as I was at home. However after 1 week I have put DS back in nursery 2 days a week!!! - He loves playing with others (he is now nearly 2)

Sorry to ramble, don't be ashamed of your tears, or too hard on yourselves. You are all still wonderful mothers who love their children, and are adored back by them. Nothing will change that.

Original poster

Berrie · 07/09/2004 18:09

uamum it does seem to get a little better each day but little things make me howl every now and then. The tears aren't really too far away yet. It's fairly easy to forget while at work, its when I'm home and my baby doesn't feel so familiar any more. I think I've made a huge mistake I just don't know how to get out of it soon enough.

OP posts:

butwhatdoiknow · 20/09/2004 16:48

i came back to work last week. My dd is 7 months and with her Granny. Which is very lucky for me and her. She was twitchy for the first week (so was Granny ha ha).

And I think I only put her down for five minutes over the weekend.

One benefit so far I have found is that I value the time with her so much that I do not spend it doing washing etc, which I used to do all the time. Now I actually play with her!!

Work sucks!

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