Hiding a total meltdown

[OutofDepth1000]

Hi
Looking for some rational and helpful guidance. To be honest, I’m desperate and really need help.
I’m at work and realise I have no clue what I am doing. I don’t think I have the skills or knowledge I need and I’m on the tip of being found out.
I’ve recently started in a new job, I haven’t misled on the skills I have or made anything up. I was appointed and have discovered quite quickly what they think I have experience and knowledge wise and what I actually have are worlds apart.
I’m desperately struggling. I am really worried I’m going to lose my job. I’ve approached them about training but they don’t respond. The most I’ve been told is that I should shadow and watch others (but no formal structure here). I’ve also been told as a senior role I should just be ‘getting it’.
I can’t lost my job, I’m the main earner and our lives would fall apart. I feel so much pressure, like I’m going to vomit most of the time. I have tried to talk about it with my boss but they are getting fed up with me. Others in the team seem to be more stand offish too. My DH is fed up hearing about it.
I had a terrible experience in my previous role and my confidence was destroyed. I work extremely hard, for very long hours but I just don’t seem to have the right knowledge. I feel lost and totally alone, I’m too scared to say again that I’m not sure I know what I’m doing for fear of being highlighted as a bad hire.
I do love the job and want to be good at it, it is a dream role. However I’m struggling to see a strategy here or my next steps. Any advice or guidance welcomed.

Some really good advice, thank you.
I actually do prefer flexibility and find too much structure quite suffocating, hence really glad for this role and opportunity. However it feels like I’m asked to be flexible one moment and then a lot of very specific outcomes the next. So my approach is flexible and based on a more creative approach, what I was hired for but then when the pressure hits everyone returns to quite a rigid focus which is what has caused me some of my concern as it feels like mixed messages and I am not fitting in so well.
Anxiety- well I don’t suffer from it exactly but have recently had a not so good experience in a different company, maybe I’m carrying some of that.
I have asked about some placement work to spend some time with a few experts but this hasn’t been granted.

Hi I can relate. I've been in a new job for 8 weeks after not working for 3 years.
To be fair they wouldn't have employed you if you didn't meet the skills/knowledge base.
Have you heard of imposer syndrome?
I've done the same job for years different companies. I still feel as if I don't really know what I'm doing especially as most men seem v confident even though some really can't do the job.
5 months is a long time. In my first couple of weeks I booked meetings with everyone more senior and junior with me I would be working with. I asked them what there expectations of me were and I told them my experience. I have a vague JD as it's a new position. But I have booked monthly meetings with my line manager and fortnightly meetings with the CTO who is my direct manger.

I've been passive in previous jobs and quit before I thought they would sack me. What I should have done is been v proactive,told them what I need and communicated and stood/spoke up more.
How long is your probation period?

That’s a good tip about booking meetings, I hope it’s not too late for me to do that now. A new boss will be starting soon so perhaps that’s a good way to introduce it.
I think I’m quite introverted so that kind of thing doesn’t come naturally to me. Though once I get over my initial reservations I am fine. I do think about imposter syndrome and feel judged a lot. I’m also not fiercely competitive so can suffer from that at times as a lot of people at my level are. I’m much more interested in team dynamics, EI and effective leadership.

I could’ve written this exact post (in fact I did write a similar one!)

I completely understand about being passive. In my case, I’ve had my confidence knocked and I’m kind of nervous about taking action in case I get it wrong. I’m motivated by feeling challenged and by positive reinforcement. I feel like I’ve shut down somewhat because I’m not feeling confident.

Does this sound like it might be the case for you?

Yes expat, I recognise that. I hesitate rather than start as I dwell on getting it wrong.
I made an effort today and reached out to meet with a senior manager to explain my role (no response so far....) and I completed prep for something that I have to do but feel nervous about. A lot of this achieved today thanks to the support from you all on this thread.
If you want to DM and share and support expat, happy for us to continue the chat as sounds like you are going through a tough time too.

Yes expat, I recognise that. I hesitate rather than start as I dwell on getting it wrong.
I made an effort today and reached out to meet with a senior manager to explain my role (no response so far....) and I completed prep for something that I have to do but feel nervous about. A lot of this achieved today thanks to the support from you all on this thread.
If you want to DM and share and support expat, happy for us to continue the chat as sounds like you are going through a tough time too.

I find it very odd they can say you have passed your probation period but you have no job description! What on earth did they measure your progress against? Or was there no formal assessment?

Draft your own JD, then consult your line manager to get her input (as its obviously important) then take it from there. If you have to tell her you need the JD to provide structure or at least a reference point then do so. I imagine at a senior level it will mostly be about strategy setting / developing, relationship building and delivering the business plan rather than specifics such as bring in £X new business per quarter. Once you have a JD that describes the 'what' you can start to focus on the 'how'. But if you don't have a clear idea of 'what' you should be doing, no wonder you don't know 'how' to deliver.

Would it be worth you finding a mentor in the company? Someone on the inside, but with a different perspective, might help.

There was no formal assessment. I have been trying to write my own JD but as my role is in an area that is new to me I’m struggling a bit!

I’m hoping that things will be sorted before the end of the year......