City lawyer with toddlers can't cope

[RosieIrene]

I work FT at a city firm and have two dd 1 and 3. Have a full time daily nanny but still can't cope. Work all day, come home and put kids to bed and work all evening to make billable target or have to go to client functions. So stressed out that on weekend just want to sit in garden with kids and do nothing. Can't sleep, can't talk to anyone. How do people manage?

bundle

margoandjerry - I have repeatedly said that I quite understand that lots of mothers have to work to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.

This thread is, as I understand the OP, about helping someone to redefine her priorities so that she is less stressed. Only she can know what her absolute priorities are (eg whether she has to work to survive). The thread is about giving her ideas about how to prioritise other things where there may be some leeway eg commuting, breastfeeding, full/part-time work...

My goodness Anna888, I'm a SAHM but have been worked outside the home in the past. I find your posts extraordinarily insensitive and you betray real ignorance of what it's like to be a working mother. My mother always worked and it is such an irrelevant factor in the overall context of my happy, secure and loving childhood.

chocolatedot - what do you find insensitive?

Rosie - was in your position working for a maginc circle firm. Tbh, despite best intentions (which I am never too sure they have), they were never able to offer the flexibilty which I needed (and this is friends' experience too), the type of law they do is too transaction driven to allow for people not to be there all of the time.

I moved to a second tier city firm. I am fairly senior in a niche area so am quite lucky. Now I do an "in house counsel" type role where I supervise juniors but do little client facing work. I am in the office 3 days a week and work from home 1 day. It works well for me.

I know there are problems with moving firm and retaining any level of seniority (I will never be a partner and I have had to adjust to that) but there are alternatives. Could you consider becoming a professional support lawyer?

My mother was a SAHM and my Dad worked full-time. And guess whom I loved and appreciated more. My dad. That might be because he was an exceptionally nice man, but it might also be because mum was quite short-tempered and generally unhappy with her life, and often made DB and I feel like we were a nuisance. I was happy as a child but did look forward to my Dad getting home at the end of the day.

Although I often feel stressed out and tired, I agree with margo that being desperately short of dosh is much more stressful. Which we would be if I didn't work.

Littlelapin, so are you saying Xenia and Mohze are the good guys and ANna888 the bady .

Rarely do you see much of live and let live on threads relating to mothers and working. Makes me rather sad tbh.

Looking at that it should be baddie

I think there is a little over-reaction on both sides here. Fact is that all parents make trade-offs between their "real lives" and their kids. Dads as well.
DW has been called a "bad mother" for not being with the kids 247, but conversely I've never once had any praise for being a work at home dad.
Even SAHM mums don't do the 247. They sometimes have nights out with DH, they may leave their kids with friends whilst doing things that kids hinder, and sometimes they manage to go back to sleep for an extra snooze after their kids have woken up.
There is no objective line, and mothers have the issue of "after the kids". Getting back into the City is very hard, not just in law.

COV - I think there are actually very few posters who don't have a live and let live attitude!

The fact that there are a few very vocal posters wrt these topics, shouldn't undermine the fact that for the most part people are very understanding of those who make different choices to themselves

ComeOVeneer - I think you can't win on these threads. There is hardly any real debate about how to prioritise (which is the really difficult skill) and it all gets polarised into "must work full-time and of course you can be a perfect parent too and be totally on top of everything" versus "lazy good for nothing SAHM". Which is all miles from the truth. Life is compromise, what matters is working out the one, very difficult, individual compromise that suits you and your family.

Haven't time to read entire thread, but RI, please stop expressing at work - it's a step too far! My dd (16 months) is still breastfed, but I cut her down to 2 feeds a day (morning and night) when she turned one. She's is milk intolerant, so doesn't drink cows milk the rest of the time. She has water during the day, and rice milk (with added calcium) with her breakfast. This combined with a varied solids diet is just fine to meet her nutritional needs, and the same regime for you would do the same, whilst ensuring that you both still get the continued benefits of breastfeeding.

No-one gives you a medal for burning yourself out.

What's clear though is that nothing can be worth getting ill for

I was a SAHM mum yesterday. Do i parent 24/7. No, I sat ds down, infront of "Cars" and mumsnetetd for my life.
This is getting silly - we always end up like this, on threads don't we.

it's a shame that this thread has turned into another SAHM/WOHM arguement. I don't suppose that helps the OP very much.

rosie, next question, & sorry if it's been asked: do you have any real life friends in a similar boat to yours?

Or are you feeling disconnected both from work (because colleagues are all childless or only one parent works) and home (because your commute is so long you don't know people, and means you don't get to know parents of the children your children know)? (Both of those will get better as your children grow up.)

Can you come back & let us know? We're interested in you, much more than in any theories/principles that might be at stake.

(PS though I shouldn't - my contribution to the "polarisation" issue is that - the reason you may not see lots of live & let live on these threads is because the vast majority of people who look at threads like this are doing just that - and therefore not getting into the arguments. Just like in real life - most people are basically supportive and understanding - but not necessarily vocal.)

Oblomov - my daughter also gets on with her own activities when we are at home and doesn't require my constant attention all day. In fact, she's really quite independent (thank goodness).

However, if she was with someone else, there are lots of things she couldn't do and that only I can provide - like having a bath together, her bringing me her dolls for a breastfeed (very popular at the moment), reading stories in both English and French, me answering all her questions which require lots of knowledge about her family etc... Her upbringing would be different. And I am not indifferent to that.

RosieIrene- 1st of all Deep breath, take a step back, review your situation, take some welldesreved praise for the things that u undoubtably get right

you are a skilled professional
you have invested time/academic study/effort in your demanding but hopefully worthwhile career...i would not advise any hasty decisions

the (boring) advice i have is sit down with pen paper and map your options out
-your preferences
-financial commitments
-what potential changes can u make
-can u do work at home time or change your hours
-reduce client function time

my friend a litagation solicitor at a top ten city firm negotiated
-2 days work at home as long as she meet billing commitments (and she does!)

btw i work NHS i amalso fecked most of the time and welcome being slumped in the garden..so dont be hard on yourself for vegeing out- we all do after a day at work

belgo - you are right.

But any time anyone expresses an opinion about one of the issues that the OP needs to consider when assessing her priorities, it gets jumped on as being "for" or "against" WOHM or SAHM...

COV: dust off your gloves and tell me, how bad is this dry socket of mine? (had medication yesterday, but feels like the gauze is going away already...)

Mozhe, I'm so sorry that you think so little of your children as to think that time with them would be sitting gossiping and watching daytime TV. I don't recognise that model of parenting, personally, as part of my child's life.

I'm with anna8888, you talk alot of sense imo

(but why are people miss-interpreting your posts?)

Francagoestohollywood. Sometimes the dry socket needs to be dressed a couple of times. Have you been given oral antibiotics as well? If so give them a goos 48hrs to start working. Rinse 4 times a day with hot salt water to keep area clean. Take arnica to promote healing, and for pain relief take paracetamol 4 hourly and ibuprofen (plain not mixed with any other pain ingredient so check the label) every 4 hours with a 2 hour gap between the paracetamol and the ibuprofen to maintain a higher level in your system. HTH.