City lawyer with toddlers can't cope

[RosieIrene]

I work FT at a city firm and have two dd 1 and 3. Have a full time daily nanny but still can't cope. Work all day, come home and put kids to bed and work all evening to make billable target or have to go to client functions. So stressed out that on weekend just want to sit in garden with kids and do nothing. Can't sleep, can't talk to anyone. How do people manage?

I suppose the test of what working mothers who use paid for childcare really think of them is this:
Would you be pleased if your daughter became a nanny, even an apparently well qualified one? Xenia, presumably your older children are at Norland as I type?

Issy - fantastic, if that's how you feel.

But surely you also realise that not everyone can find or afford that kind of childcare?

But, Anna, nor can everyone afford your kind of lifestyle, which involves not working, travelling quite a bit, living in an expensive and culturally rich city etc.

Of course I realise that, but I think it's important to acknowledge that even a very well-educated and very well-intentioned mother is not necessarily superior to certain types of childcare. It's self-evident but it has taken me a while to accept it.

Bozza - what's the point? Seems like a non sequitur to me...

I also found as the 22 years rolled on I was much happier about getting time for myself, the weekend morning nanny, the cleaner, the delegation of jobs etc. Also as you get older and have more money and control over your working life it is much easier. More women than men under 40 are millionaires in the UK and they mostly work for themselves. I doubt they work shorter hours, probably longer and it's an "extreme job" to run a business like that but the power and control and high pay hugely frees you. Comparing twins starting school - I could order all the uniform new. With the other children 10+ years before it was hours spent going round second hand school sales. Also paid someone to sew the wretched name tapes in whereas roll back 10 years and I'd be doing it. Some people I know in the City has a nanny and an au pair, not because they don't want to see their children but to give them more time to see them perhaps on an individual basis.

I remember when I took a decision to pay the nanny at the weekends whenever one of the girls had a party to go to which involved a drive just to do the driving there and back whilst we looked after the other children - that was a huge relief and wise move as they got older with a large family.

Issy - depends on the mother and the childcare.

There are fantastic mothers.
There are terrible mothers.
There is fantastic childcare.
There is terrible childcare.

So - you love being a mother and enjoy every minute of it. Your choice is motherhood at home, or a job and terrible childcare, because that's what's available. What do you choose?

It's a no brainer.

what are those many not so smart mothers suppose to do then?
Off to pick up ds now

what are those many not so smart mothers suppose to do then?
Off to pick up ds now

What do I think about nannies? I think they're great at what they do a lot of them. I know my daughters want to do things like buy horses, house etc and they know they can't achieve some of their aims if they became nannies. There was an interesting phase when they were about 12 when they wanted to work at stables until they really got to know the stable girls, went back to their "accommodation" and saw the level of their wages. Being a nanny is hard work for not that good pay.

If we're talking about not to clever mothers and presumably fathers the UK average IQ is 100 so a good few people are below that. Various Governments have encouraged clever or not to clever people to have children over the years and directed tax assistance at that group they want to breed most. When we need young men to obey orders and send to war we need huge numbers of hte kind who do what they're told and are basically "man power", when we need clever 2007 citizens and can import cheap labour from Poland then we need to encourage most children to university as we're doing and try to incentivise people like me to have 5+ children. I deserve my medal from Blair.

... which is why most nannies are not particularly bright because if they were brighter they'd do something better paid.

Obviously for those people whose wages easily cover the cost of trained teachers/nurses etc as nannies that is not so much of an issue, but that is a tiny minority position.

Anyway, when I look at my nephews' vocabulary and cognitive skills, I know exactly where they have come from (my sister has a PhD and is very articulate). And even looking at my daughter (only 2.7) and seeing how her vocabulary in French is different to her vocabulary in English, and able to trace exactly where she has picked up each word, I have plenty of evidence before my eyes (ears?) of the benefits of a rich cultural environment for children.

You know where every word has come from?

Xenia - The weekend nanny was a taxi then? I wholeheartedly agree with paying for as much help to ease family life as possible. I have a cleaner and a gardener. I just don't see my children's day to day care as being a job to be delegated to anyone outside the family. That is non negotiable whilst I can afford to stay at home.

My point Anna was that while you rightly pointed out that not everyone can afford a fantastic live-in nanny like issy, not everyone can afford to stay at home with their child but still have a cleaner and sufficient disposable income for cultural outings and travel. I couldn't do either. So I compromise and work 3 days and send DD to a day nursery and then I do have the money to do those sort of things on the days I am not working.

One thing I am grateful to DD's nursery for is the immense repertoire of songs and nursery rhymes she knows at just turned 3. Helped make a recent long car journey much more bearable.

so are you saying all nannies are thick because they didn't want to do something better paid - surely then anyone who wants to do a low paid job must be stupid in your eyes. What about enjoying it? What about it being rewarding?

Countessdracula, I have never met a career nanny. I suppose it is possible. lol

what is possible?

I've met career nannies. Lots of them.

am looking forward to the day when your dd comes home with a non-certified word, anna

I have been a nanny for most of my life, have several other strings to my bow. I have bought a house, travelled the world, have several designer items, car etc, most of it bought on a nanny salary.

Countess - you are not grasping the facts here at all. They are not thick because they want to become nannies, they are thick because they are thick.

bundle - she has a very-wide ranging (shall we say) vocabulary in French picked up from her older brothers... her English vocabulary is much more conservative. That's what makes us so aware of where language comes from . I never visualised having a two-year old sitting in front of an X-box saying "putain, putain, putain" because I don't do it...

vogimum - I rest my case.