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Original poster

City lawyer with toddlers can't cope

821 replies

RosieIrene · 11/06/2007 23:30

I work FT at a city firm and have two dd 1 and 3. Have a full time daily nanny but still can't cope. Work all day, come home and put kids to bed and work all evening to make billable target or have to go to client functions. So stressed out that on weekend just want to sit in garden with kids and do nothing. Can't sleep, can't talk to anyone. How do people manage?

OP posts:
Aloha · 13/06/2007 22:01

Oh change the record Xenia and stop trying to pick a fight.

Hideehi · 13/06/2007 22:02

Why is it so important that we subject men to the same subservitude that we don't want for ourselves ?
Parenting needs to be an equal responsibility not one persons needs outweighing the other.

Judy1234 · 13/06/2007 22:06

My original advice was she gets on with an interesting job and lets the difficult stage pass by. I only mentioned one of them giving up work should be the man if that had to be an issue. i don't think it often is an answer for one to work part time. It makes the other resentful and if you're quite clever and like your job then the last thing you want to take on is some kind of cleaning/domestic job for no pay which is being a non working spouse so no I don't think either of them should.

I think trying to do a good enough job at work and home is the key to it for most people. That may be not doing what you want with the children one day and for your clients the next day but realising this is life - things don't have to be perfect.

Aloha · 13/06/2007 22:07

Stepford. Prostitute. Men are bastards. Enjoy humiliating themselves. Economically active. worthless women blah de blah de blah

littlelapin · 13/06/2007 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hideehi · 13/06/2007 22:12

The simple truth is if you want a family and a career then somebody needs to either do the crap jobs yourself or make sure you can earn enough to pay for the best help available, frankly the Nanny seems the problem to me, household should be running smoothly whilst OP is at work if she can't do it all then they need a cleaner a couple of times a week too.

If the OP still can't cope then she wouldn't be coping with or without children and a rethink in terms of career as everyone else seems to have suggested is in order, struggling on isn't really going to do anyone any good at all. The early years do fly by in retrospect but when you're in the trenches it's damn hard. Very easy to look back with rose tinted specs X

littlelapin · 13/06/2007 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HenriettaHippo · 13/06/2007 22:42

I think Xenia has got unwarranted bad press here. We may not all agree, but she was just trying to say that if the OP wants to keep her career, it should be possible for her to do that. After all, working in a City firm, and with a partner DH, cash shouldn't be an issue. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with being either a FT working mum, a full time SAHM, or something in between. It's horses for courses, and the OP needs to consider all her options. The instinctive response is to say, give up the job, stay at home, but maybe that isn't what the OP wants, maybe what she wants is to make her current position workable.

Aloha · 13/06/2007 22:53

Except this thread has NOT been about saying 'stay at home'. Yet Xenia still carries on with her obsession about it simply to be provocative and insulting - as usual.

Aloha · 13/06/2007 22:56

I feel pissed off with myself for even taking any notice tbh.
Just distracts from the OP who is clearly at the end of her tether.

controlfreaky2 · 13/06/2007 23:05

clip clop......? oh, it's xenia on that hobby horse of hers.......

chipmonkey · 14/06/2007 00:22

Can I just ask, why does a City Lawyer who has decided to go part-time end up working the same hours as someone FT? Both Dominic and Xenia have made this point and it seems horrendous that you can't just say "I have to go home now".
Have to say, I agree with Xenia that the worst stage is with under-fives. They catch every illness going, they don't sleep, they don't dress themselves, they require expressed breast milk and won't sit still in a restaurant. I found life much easier once ds2 reached school-age. Of course then we had ds3 which turned me back into a zombie but at least now I know there is light at the end of the tunnel!
RosieIrene, what is it that you think you should be doing at the weekends? Sitting in the garden is something that should be prioritised in my book!

Caroline1852 · 14/06/2007 01:02

Hobble through the next few years with a day nanny and a night nanny, bugger the expense. Then send Daisy and Petunia to boarding school, you will then only have to worry about them in the holidays and even then, only when you can't find them a suitable residential kids' activity week (that they will absolutely adore). During family holidays you might want to have supper or lunch with them occasionally, then back to kids' club so the Mark Warner nannies can play frisbee with them on beach and take them sailing etc.
I am sorry to be sarcastic, but the point is that you do have a choice about your life. I would be much more sympathetic if you were earning the minimum wage working full time with two young children and struggling to pay for life's essentials, someone who had something of a Hobson's choice. Your children are probably quite happy with their lot and you should try and be happy with your lot. Since when was having it all not enough?

BrothelSprouts · 14/06/2007 01:04

Wow.

Judy1234 · 14/06/2007 07:11

I know lots of ways men and women manage it and it is as much an issue for men and women. Once we earned enough we found it really helpful to have a daily nanny plus a daily cleaner. That made a huge difference. Then when we had the last 2 children we got some help on weekend mornings so we could be individually with some of the children or ferrying them around.

Other practical advice don't worry about working some weekends. It can be more fun than changing nappies and in a sense gives you a break. It's only now in 2007 any kind of stigma seems to be attached to long hours. Rise above it. Go back to my grandfathers day and most people worked 6 day weeks. So think about side the box like that and all will be well.

Anna8888 · 14/06/2007 07:31

chipmonkey - clients.

When you are in a mega-bucks fee-earning profession, you are a slave to your clients. You can't just pack up and go home to see your children when you feel tired at the end of the day (well, you can, it's called resignation).

Which is why those jobs are so family-unfriendly. Great for young single people with boundless energy wanting to make lots of money and travel the world. Great for people who don't care whether they (even don't particularly want to)spend time with their partners and/or children. Crap for people with families they care about and want to see.

ScottishThistle · 14/06/2007 07:33

Do you have a great Nanny who's willing to work an odd day on the weekend/do an odd overnighter & a Housekeeper?

In your situation I think both are totally necessary to help you to muddle through.

ScottishThistle · 14/06/2007 07:35

My Boss resigned a couple of weeks ago after 17yrs in a very high powered position & is going to study/change career...I can see a change in her already.

Perhaps a change of career is what you need???

Anna8888 · 14/06/2007 07:41

ScottishThistle - so what you are saying is:

  • either the OP continues her current job, and pays more and better people to delegate her home life to

  • or she downsizes her career

Yup, I think that is the résumé of this thread.

NKF · 14/06/2007 07:52

Basically Anna yes. The thread has divided into two camps - Stick it out and hire help or downsize career. Nobody knows what the OP thinks because she hasn't returned.

Anna8888 · 14/06/2007 07:59

Well, even if the OP hasn't manifested herself, there are lots of arguments outlining the advantages and disadvantages of both scenarios that she can read over.

God, the pressure to be superwoman is awful...

toomuchtodo · 14/06/2007 08:06

agre with the poster who says the people who have it hard are the ones earning a low wage who have to work to pay the essential bills, not the nanny/au pair/cleaner/babysitter etc.

these workers don't seem to have time to come onto MN to express their opinion

Anna8888 · 14/06/2007 08:14

toomuchtodo - I think all posters are deserving of support and advice, whatever their material circumstances. It is not always easy to have perspective on your own circumstances, however intelligent or rich you are, especially when severely overworked and underslept.

Judy1234 · 14/06/2007 08:35

And be aware that many women who have sacrificed their career to spend 20 years of service doing housework etc obviously then need to justify the decision by saying how much better women who work less are whereas the legions of happy women with children in the City have better things to do than post here. If you reduced your hours you would be reduced to posting on mumnet to kill the hours....

I agree with Anna. There is always the grass if always greener syndrome too and many men never mind women give up work to run a pub or a vineyard and find they're working 70 hours a week and their pay hardly pays the bills.

ScottishMummy · 14/06/2007 08:38

all stress is relative to the individual and experienced uniquely by them so just because you are prosperous and have nanny/etc does not necessarily mean that individual's troubles are less

op candidly expressed what was going on for her - her stressors..lets support her