Work stress and irritating boss - can I get some perspective please?

[Ehhh]

First of all, apologies for the long post.

I have name-changed for this as it is pretty outing but I need to get it out of my system and DP is sick to death of me talking about it at home. He thinks I was spoilt by previous bosses who gave me a lot of agency and left me to my own devices so long as I completed my work by the set deadlines.

It feels as though every time I make any kind of progress I also get a massive set back and things never work out how I hope or want.

I won't go into the details but after years of PA type work where TWO bosses left me (!), I have started working in a different field, with a brand new manager, following a kind of merger. This is the opportunity and challenge I craved.

At first, all was good. Manager and I were working together quite intensely to set up and now there is less need with BAU but my new line manager is turning out to be overbearing, always hovering, checking on me - what's on my screen, when I eat. I feel like she spends more time watching me than actually doing her job some days. She changes her mind re what I should be doing day to day and I have had to abandon two pieces of work mid-way through, because she decided to change course.

This is compounded with lots of irritating personal traits such as not finishing her sentences, a fake tinkly laugh, and putting in meetings over lunch or just before home time, which inevitably overrun. I then look like an absolute jobsworth if I want to leave on time or to go eat!

I must stress at this point that I have never missed a deadline, I do my work, I put in overtime during busy periods but expect to go home on time the rest of the time. I also find it difficult to work without a break so I will look at my phone, etc, which line manager finds unacceptable. But of course her hourly smoking breaks are perfectly OK.

It's also bringing out a nasty, passive-aggressive side of me which I immensely dislike. For example, when I noticed she was watching my screen a lot I would put up articles to test my theory - they always related to her vices such as smoking, etc. She inevitably appears behind me asking of I'm busy, have enough work to do.

I dread going in every day. This constant shadow in my life is stressing me to the point of having sleeping issues, grinding my jaw in my sleep for the first time in years, losing my appetite and I'm even wondering if the stress is preventing conception. We have been TTC for a few months now, the plan being to have a baby then review my career. So far no luck.

DP and my friends tell me to just pack it in and go elsewhere but we have been trying for a while and I don't want to leave and find out I am, or fall, pregnant, then be left high and dry without maternity pay.

It sounds to me like it comes down to a basic personality clash. Sometimes this happens, and mostly one or both sides are not capable of rising above this, and this isn’t a criticism at all. Some people just don’t work well together.

Sometimes the answer really is to just get the hell out of it. I understand about the employment benefits etc but that isn’t everything. I was in a broadly similar situation with a bad boss much like you describe some years ago. I stayed through it because of the benefits etc, and it did work out ok in the end (took years, which included 1 pregnancy) but I’m left with permanent scars on my mental health. If I could go back and give myself some advice, it would be that it is more important in the long run to look after your own well-being, and the rest will work itself out.

Bosses like that will run you ragged, eat away at your self-esteem and basically hold you back in every way, trash your career path. They are probably low in self confidence or feel threatened by you, but don't waste energy analysing it.

Make a plan to find something new even if it means putting your family tic plans on hold for a few months. Get that CV out there and make the change. What's the point of Mat pay if you are miserable. It will spoil your early experiences with your new baby if you go on Mat Leave dreading having to return to a toxic situation.

Get out.

Is it worth getting a permanent PA job until you manage to get pregnant and then review?

I've worked with loads of bosses good and bad. The bad ones just get worse usually!

stressedoutpa

I'm considering a PA job in Mayfair at double my current salary if I don't get pregnant soon. I should have done this years ago but I was determined to get a proper career, and look where it's got me! Stress, debt and regret.

The thing is, I don't MIND the current work in terms of doing it, it's just being watched constantly and I'm not actually paid any more so I despair.

Oh FFS name change fail!

Is the current job supposed to be the proper career?

I do know what you mean. I recently gave up PA work (even though I'm still stressedoutpa!) and have gone in completely different direction earning much much less. Still not quite sure it is the right thing but overall I feel much better than the last job I was doing.

Bad bosses can make life very difficult. Just keep an open mind and keep looking at the job adverts. It doesn't sound like the current job is sustainable.

It’s not going to work out, look for something else.
I had a micro manager in my last role, it was intolerable- looking at my screen, asking why I was emailing such & such. I left.
In the meantime can you use her smoking breaks to look at your phone / eat?
Or block out lunch times in your calendar? I put ‘private’ appointments in my calendar at lunch sometimes if I have something specific I want to do.

Good advice from hairbrush.

If she books a lunchtime meeting, can you suggest another time as you 'need to go out'.

In my last but one role I used to go out for a walk at lunchtime into the nearest town. I was the only person in office to do it. After a while, it became my thing and everyone knew I did that. Made no apologies that I needed to get out and clear my head. 8+ hours looking at a screen isn't good for you!

I used to have a manager like that. 'Thankfully' every one else I worked with complained of the same issues. She would ask me to do things, then complain about them, not that I'd done it wrong, more matters of personal preference. She just wanted to micro manage everything and everyone.

I left and thankfully she left the organisation not long after too!

If you're TTC then wait as best as you can before leaving. But hand your notice in on mat leave!

Funny you should mention private appointments Needahairbrush I did that with something actually private and she came over to look at my calendar because "I can't see what that private appointment is in your diary, can you share your calendar with me please?" I did snap at her on Friday which is annoying because usually at work I make an effort to be professional and aloof. My colleagues say I am unflappable but I am feeling very flappable these days!!

I think I'd have to pay back the enhanced mat pay if I resign while on maternity leave, Fatted. I believe the policy reserves the right to claw back anything above statutory pay if you leave within 3 months of the end of maternity leave, but I'll have to double check that.

stressedoutpa yes this is supposed to be the new proper career. I'm glad you found some sort of job satisfaction, it gives me hope for the future for myself.

To make matters worse we are looking to move house on top of everything. I'm hoping I just become immune to the stress. This long weekend has been lovely though, exploring new areas and viewing lots of houses!

Hmmm, that’s annoying. My boss (not my ex-micro managing one) did that once and I just said it’s a personal reminder for me to do on my lunch. He never asked again, i do it often, ie reminders for dentists after work, and also work tasks so I don’t forget stuff.

Needahairbrush yes me too - I have done for years I know others at work do it too. Appointments, library due dates, shopping list for dinner... It seems common practice. I don't know if she's come from somewhere where that's not the done thing or if she just has it in for me. Or maybe we just work for particularly slack companies, hairbrush

Have you told her what's bothering you, in a constructive way?

So instead of "I'm annoyed that you book meetings at lunchtime"
say "I'd like to make time to take lunch every day but I don't want to miss any of your meetings - how would you prefer me to handle it? Shall I put my lunch break in my calendar so you can see it?"

If the alternative is to leave I'd try telling her how you feel. Keep it professional and constructive. Worth a try?

She sounds like a pain in the backside. Seriously!

I couldn't work for a micro-managing boss. As far as I am concerned, as long as someone gets their work done to the required standard it really doesn't matter how it gets done.

Private appointments in Outlook calendars are just that.... PRIVATE!

Just put lunch in your calendar. Doesn't mean there won't be times when you move it or have lunch in meetings or on the run, but it indicates your intention and means people are more likely to check. What do you call an end of day meeting? Personally I am happier with a late meeting than an early one. Regarding being on your phone and whatever is on your screen (work?), If you are looking at non-work websites, is this clearly when you are on lunch or are you sitting there doing online shopping / personal stuff in the working day but not balancing it out, for example by staying for the late meetings.

She sounds a PITA!

TTC seems a bad plan when you’re not married, unless you’re planning to return to work FT, or have lots of money.

I'm on my way in to work now. Taking deep breaths and trying to find sone zen, or something.

LadyLapsang an end of day meeting would be 4.30 for an hour when I work 9-5. You've just reminded me that she put in an 8am meeting on Thursday because apparently that's the ONLY time that would work. I thought about leaving at 4 to make up the time but DP thinks I'll rock the boat for no reason and need to pick my battles.

The non work screen stuff is literally just BBC news. Although one time I was reading an article about vitamin D and she saw the photos of food and flew over to ask if I was doing my online grocery shopping!

The work I do requires intense concentration and I just can't keep that up nonstop. But I take your point and I may start going to get a cup of tea when I need a break from the excel spreadsheet.

Loopytiles I have a decent amount of savings and intend to return to work. I don't believe in marriage and DP and I have been together for 8 years now, we are fine as we are. But thank you for your concern.

I agree with previous posters about putting lunch in your diary each day. Leave it as a private appointment but put it in so it is more difficult to book, although I have realised that people don't always look to see if you are available.

If you are brave, do it with the 4-5 slot too!

As for an 8am start, I'd just say it wasn't possible for me to get into the office that early.

I had a horrible boss for about 4 years but even she wasn't this bad.

I used to chat with a lady on the train going to work and she told me that because she worked in a different office to her boss, she had to effectively clock in and out each day so email her when she got in and when she left. Of course, these days you can have your work email on your phone and do it from outside the office rather than waiting for computers to power up etc. And do it walking to your car/the railway station.

Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time at work. Sadly, it seems as though your boss's lack of self-awareness is making your life miserable, and unless she changes her ways (unlikely) your options are to change the way you react to her, or get out. The relationship with your boss sounds toxic and it's definitely not a positive environment to be in when you're TTC, or any time really. As someone said above, maternity benefits are not worth your mental health. You won't change her, and if there's no way for you to get help with this at work, then your only way of putting yourself back in the driving seat might be to start looking for something else. Good luck.

An 8am meeting would make me seriously grumpy but I would be happy to have a 5.30 meeting, so to some extent it depends on the individuals. Having said that I wouldn't put a meeting in after 5 for someone who starts early or leaves early. Is the 8am meeting just one to one or does she get the whole team in? You say your working hours are 9-5, is it common to just stick to your hours where you work. We work flexibly so some start at 7.30 and go home by 4, others routinely work until 7 and lots of us have been in the office until 7/8/9 plus if really busy. We also have people on multiple sites so if someone was travelling 200 miles to our site I would meet at lunchtime otherwise they could be getting home late at night.

I'm here and she is running late!

Meeting is us two and a colleague who works from 8.30 so it's less of a move for her.

We are meant to have flexible working hours in theory, but you get snippy little comments if you try to leave before 5...

Is her calendar that full this is the only suitable slot, if not why don't you offer to rearrange - you have the perfect way in this morning.

Hi OP. You have my sympathies as there's nothing worse feeling uncomfortable at work.

Does she appear to be singling you out with the micro managing?

I had a similar incident with a previous manager. It started out with little things to let me know she was the boss... In control. She would have one rule for me and one rule for everyone else. I couldn't understand why I was being singled out. Then it got worse and progressed to the point where it was making me ill and I used to absolutely dread going to work. Like you, my DH and family were sick of me talking about it all.

So I decided to take action. The first thing I did was to start to keep a diary of all the incidents and I really started to stick up for myself whenever she made a barbed or snippy comment. I wasn't rude, kept it professional, I just let her know that she wasn't going to walk all over me.

Then I called a meeting with her in private for a "quick catch up" and I brought someone I trusted in with me and basically sat down with her and explained how I felt. Unfortunately that didn't change anything so then the next step was to go above her head and I asked for a meeting with her manager.. Again having a witness to document the meeting. I waited for the right time so she wasn't aware of this meeting (our offices were all open plan)

Her manager was shocked as she didn't have a clue what was going on. Her manager was very concerned about nipping this in the bud (at this stage, I was using the word bullying as that's what it had progressed to) as she didn't want to lose me as a hard working member of staff so official steps were taken to address it.

Initially, I was moved teams to a different manager (for my own sanity) whilst they carried out an investigation. She was eventually managed out of the company and lost her job.

So I would definately not sit back and put up with this. Start with keeping a diary and then work out how you want to handle her. Do you have a HR department?

Well I tried all week to be firmer with boundaries and requesting clear deadlines and directions. She just apologizes and carries on doing what she was. I get the strong impression that she neither likes nor trusts me.

Today I have a migraine and I am trying to quietly get on with work and she keeps asking me what's wrong because I look unhappy. I say I have a headache and get "oh no, are you sure?? You just look unhappy, has something happened?" This is happening several times and I am struggling to stay calm.

Yesterday we had a long meeting which meant I went home an hour late after coming in an hour early. So today I told her I was leaving half an hour early in light of that. All fine, apparently. Then 30 minutes later I get work dumped on me to be done by today.

It's just so bloody relentless, how am I supposed to get anything done at all if I'm.always in a bloody meeting?. I was almost feeling sorry for her yesterday as she seemed a tad frazzled, but that's all evaporated today.

I'm currently hiding in the bathroom trying to breathe through the migraine nausea.

I think you were all right, I have to leave. The house hunt is on pause now anyway.

Just not sure how to manage while I look for another job.

And the incessant fake laughs, GOD.