Advice on new job whilst on long term sick (mental health and failed IVF)

[Elisabella01]

Hey all first post! I'll try and keep this brief! Skim right to the bottom where i posted 2 questions and a summary if you can't be bothered reading the back ground. Please ask questions too.

I started a new job as a scientist in Nov after completing my degree last year. I never quite settled into the job as it is very isolating and anti-social, but it was going to give me good experience and my wife and I (same sex couple) were going through IVF, so I figured I would be in maternity leave and then just not go back. I already have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship. Been with DW for 5 years, married just over 1. In March we did our first cycle of IVF privately (using my wife's eggs, donor sperm and me carrying as she cannot carry). It cost a fortune and the drugs were awful. I told my work about it in the Feb as I like to be honest and upfront and it was good for them to know why I was so unwell lol. Sadly it ended in a chemical pregnancy. It tore me apart. My work weren't supportive after my embryo transfer and my job is very physical. I told them my clinic said I need to take it easy during the 2ww and could i do lighter duties for a short time - they said no. I spoke to my clinic and GP, my anxiety was so bad because of it all and they signed me off sick. I went back after a few weeks and was still struggling mentally with the loss, crying at work, on front of my boss and HR etc. Sent to Occ Health who were great. I took 2 weeks annual leave and when I came back my anxiety was horrific due to the lack of support on my return. GP signed me off in May and I have been on long term sick since. We tried another round of IVF which failed and things are very bad for us right now. I am struggling to leave the house, the grief and depression I feel is so bad (trying to look after myself, linking in with work when i feel able, they withdrew the offer of counselling when i went off sick, didn't reinstate it when occ health asked so i have paid for a private counsellor to speed up the process, asked to be medicated but GP refused). My marriage is suffering so badly and I just can't seem to pick myself up. I have been referred to a mental health team and joined the gym, but ironically I can't control my anxiety enough to go out to the gym :(.

Anyway, I know they will be struggling without me. I haven't worked there for a long time and I decided that working a 50 hour week (including 10 hours travel) just wasn't working and I never truly settled. I have applied for so many jobs and I have interviews this week. I feel like a burden to my current employer and that they want rid of me. I've never been on long term sick but then again I have never been through this process.

I have 2 main concerns:

1. I received a letter from work today inviting me for an interview as my absence is causing concern and affecting productivity. They didn't mention helping me back to work in the email and it did feel quite threatening and intimidating (I a aware I'm not in a strong mental place). I don't feel fit enough to make this meeting through at my work and they said if i don't go they will re-arrange or make a "decision about my continued employment in . my absence". I contacted my union rep. I would be okay if they came to my house to meet me. I am registered disabled for mental health issues - sadly the failed IVF's have been a huuuuuge trigger and i have no coping mechanisms for this. Can the dismiss me without going down any formal disciplinary routes?

1. I really hope to land a job in the next few weeks but if i do, I am very worried my boss will give me a bad reference or refuse to give me one. Should I be honest if i get a job offer?

In summary (for those who understandably can't be bothered reading my novel - long term sickness in a new(ish) job due to two chemical pregnancies from IVF, triggered mental health for which i am registered disabled). Worried about being sacked although nobody has mentioned my absence as being an issue until now, also worried I get no reference or a bad one for a new job closer to home.

Sorry to hear about your IVF OP xx

I'm sure that they can't just dismiss you without any formal/written warnings if you're in the UK. If you have a union rep, have them come to the meeting too - make sure you're aware that your work went against the advise of your GP and didn't offer lighter duties, I thought they were obliged to do so...

Sorry if that's not much help x

cupcakesandglitter thank you for replying. They aren't obliged to offer light duties if the don't have the means or it is not in the interest of the business. It upsets me that they haven't had a welfare meeting, checked in with me since I went off, offered counselling then withdrew the offer when I was off etc. They even emailed me to tell me I wasn't getting my annual pay increase due to my absence (pregnancy related, i was actually pregnant), even although they had told me the month before I would be receiving it. I know I have been off for a lot of days but I am so genuinely unwell and struggling. I would really just like them to give me a decent reference (because i worked very hard and well) and let that be the end of it, hire someone new and let me move on.

Do you know if a new employer can withdraw a job offer due to absence? (disability and pregnancy related). Don't worry if you don't!

According to the govt website, you can only claim unfair dismissal if you’ve worked for the qualifying period of two years - unless you are claiming for an automatically unfair reason, listed here

The website also says that dismissal should be a last resort in cases of illness, and that your employers should consider ways of supporting you back to work first. They might argue that they’ve done that with the occupational health thing, etc, but have they made reasonable adjustments for your disability?

If you haven’t already involved your union, I would get in touch with them for advice at this stage as they will be able to offer legal support and a rep to support you in any interviews.

If you are still signed off sick from this job, is now the right time to be looking for a new job though? Job hunting/interviewing is enormously stressful and you say that you don’t feel fit enough to attend an interview at your current job but would need them to come to your home. Are you fit enough to attend job interviews in that case? You don’t sound as if you need any more stress at the moment!

Does this help with regard to your question about withdrawing a job offer?

The new employer should assess your suitability based on your skills, experience and also interview performance. If they subsequently withdraw any job offer they may give you, after they have contacted your current employer, then it's highly likely their decision was based on that information. That's not right, nor does it comply with the Equality Act, but consider whether you'd want to work for them, if they don't support you.

The fact is you have some complex things going on in your life, not least of all you are recovering from failed IVF and need time to rebuilt yourself. It isn't an ideal time to breeze into an interview if you're on your knees emotionally, but you are where you are.

Could you consider a few weeks out to regroup, get yourself strong then really blast a trail on the job vacancies, when you're feeling better. It's all difficult stuff I know. Hope you feel better soon.

Hey all, thanks for your reply. I’ve worked there less than a year so that’s why I’m worried. I obviously didn’t expect to be faced with these circumstances though and it’s just been a very circumstantial year.

They referred to to occupational health because on my first day back after the first IVF round, I walked into HR and broke down. They haven’t implemented anything occupational health suggested to support me. They are aware my condition is covered under the disability act.

As for me moving to another job, I feel it would give me a new start. I never settled into that job at all and I want to move on. I don’t even feel like I’m welcome back. My rep is phoning me today. Work caused a lot of stress for me because of the environment I worked in. It’s very unsupportive and cut throat. I’ve got an interview today and I actually feel excited at the prospect of this new and very different role. It’s closer to home and a different industry. It’s also similar to my old job which I absolutely loved. I just want away from such an awful company really.

I hope they don’t just take me straight to dismissal. I’ve never lost a job in my whole life, I don’t want my mental health and failed IVF to be the reason I do. Talk about feeling worthless!

It’s been a few weeks since the IVF and I feel I’m deteriorating due to not having a routine, stressing about work and not having a new job. I’d like to move on with life and forget I ever worked there. It’s just not the place for me. Facing a meeting with them is a huge anxiety trigger. Walking back through that building where I broke down daily after the IVF just doesn’t feel right. Hopefully my rep has some advice.

I am sorry you are going through this, but ibdobthinknyou will need to meet with them at least once, to get it allnsorted.

Typos!
*I do think you will need to talk to them directly

Stay strong during this current bleak time and get yourself to a better place so you can use your talents and skills. It's only one phase in your life , it will pass.

Oh my heart goes out to you. I remember this feeling so well, it’s the most heartbreaking time to go through and at times you just don’t see how life will ever get better. All I can say is take things a day at a time and try to not get overwhelmed. Deal with one issue at a time and be kind to yourself