Dont want to go ! Please help!

[notjustanumber]

I've got a good job and good chilcare sorted. We REALLY cant afford for me to SAHM. DS is nearly 5 months, but everytime I think about giving him to someone else to care for, it makes me cry.
I know this is the sensible solution, after all, he wont remember this time, and the extra money in now will enable me to work less when he is a little older, perhaps.
But I feel really horrible about it. Did anyone else feel like this, and did it get better over time ? This is my first child and I think thats part of the problem. Scared to let him go

Sorry you're feeling upset. I can't help too much (apart from bumping your thread), because it's not something I've had to do yet. But I know that if I were in your shoes, I'd be feeling exactly the same.

Take a deep breath and just see how it goes. If you find it unbearable, then have a rethink later.

Best wishes.

I know exactly how you feel. I went back to work full time when ds was 5 months old and it broke my heart. Are you going back full or part time??

I know how you feel, I went back to work when my DD was 5months old and I cried for days beforehand but it does get easier.
My DD has just turned 2 and I still have the odd wobble evey now and then but generally it's ok.
I think it's something that most mums go through.
Good luck

TBH it didn't get any easy over time. I went back full time to a legal career and worked long hours, I did this for a year, until ds was 18 months. I cried every day for that year. I decided it wasn't worth it and "put my career on hold" as I like to call it. I'm sorry I can't tell you it got easier for me. I couldn't afford to not work like you so I got an evening job, just to bring some money in (took a huge pay drop) but I was happier.

I now have a dd (8.5 months) and started a new part time job, more in line with my old career, in Jan when she was 5 months and found it easier this time to go back.

Its a hard decision to make, going back to work, but hopefully as time passes things will get easier. And if it doesn't maybe you can rethink your hours etc. Just see how it goes

I went back 4 days a week with my first then 3 days with my next and it wasn't too bad each time.

It got easier but to be honest I relished getting back to work and all that came with it - self esteem, feeling valued, confidence, adult conversation, challenge, money etc.

I think once you are back you will experience the benefits (other than the money) and feel ok. By the end of the first week it was ok, I didn't feel too bad about leaving them as I trusted the childcarer.

On top of that, it was fab in different ways for my children, mixing with others, going to groups, lots of different toys, all the messy stuff that I was reluctant to do (glue and glitter!!!).

Try to see the bigger picture rather than just the negative of 'I'm leaving him'. You aren't leaving him, just allowing someone else to care for him for a while - probably for both of your benefit and that of your family as a whole.

If you don't like it after a few months, just resign.

When do you have to go back? Can you defo not take the year off?

It will be fine. I went back full time after all five of them. of course you're upset but you're doing the right thing. It is much harder and worse for the child if you go back when they're older, when it's bigger break for them and when you're less used to work, too long out of it.

The hardest thing will be thinking about going back, like going back to school after the summer holiday. Once you're back it's much easier. Then you get in a routine and it's fine.

Think about the benefits of sharing his care, what he will get out of it. My oldest is 22 and I really don't think any of the older children at university if you asked them would say they wished I hadn't worked full time. Before you know it they're at full time school anyway and then they're young teenagers who don't want to spend huge amounts of time with parents and they love it if their parents work and they have things to tell their friends about their parents' work. Also it can be better for you too.

As it won't damage him your only concern is yourself. Once you're back and it's working fine then you won't feel bad about it at all. Still lots of time to see him, all the weekends too. It's quite a lot of hours in every week.

I have been like this every time I went back to work. I have 3 ds's and I went back when each of them was 4 months old. I was upset each time but I remember my lovely GP saying, on seeing me in tears, "Oh you miss him but you know, he doesn't miss you at all!" and she was right to a certain extent, as long as they are being looked after by someone nice, and being fed, they don't mind at all, you just get the lovely big smile in the evenings when you arrive to collect them.

Thankyou so much for your replies, what you've said is really helpful.
I think I will go back 2-3 days a week and see how it goes. I've been very poor before (when I was studying for a lot of my twenties) and I dont think I can do it again. And there wouldnt be light at the end of the tunnel - unless we won the lottery
And at least if I keep my job I have the right to request flexible hours, perhaps easier than trying to get back into work with unusual hours in the future....
Plus, all the things you say are right - he will be able to enjoy himself in ways he cant with me, get some confidence - I know I cant be a the kind of mum I would like to be if I'm stressed all the time.
Thanks again ladies, good to know I'm not alone What a great site

notjust, I think two or three days is a good idea.

I did this with my ds, because I felt just like you about leaving him, and also because I felt that being cared for by his mum was what ds needed and would gain the greatest benefits from.

I did two days a week, and ds was cared for by his grandmother on those days. I would definitely say that if I could i would have been a SAHM full time but financially that was not an option, and I can actually say hand on heart that those two days were a good, healthy thing for ds and me. We both got a bit of variety and a break from eachother.

But I do sympathise, it is hard. Many people welcome going back because of the things it gives them, as someone lower down mentioned, things like adult company and feeling valued, self esteem, challenges; Its really hard if this is what you experience at HOME and not what you get from work!

I got self esteem, feeling valued, and challenges from being a mum to my son and doing my best with him each day. Work couldn't match up to that for me.

So I do understand how hard it is. Part time is a good alternative. Good luck.

2-3 days is perfect, it gives you chance to be you and not just someone's mum and then you get quality time with your babe on your days off.

Good Luck

Are you absolutely sure you can't afford to stay at home for a bit longer? I coudnt' face handing my daughter to someone else and have now been at home for over 18 months with her. Finances are tight but we have a lot of fun, see friends every day, do lots of activities and generally make the most of this once in a lifetime opportunity. Its hard when everyone else is booking holidays abroad or getting a new car and we aren't but then I remember I'll be working until I'm 65 so whats the rush!!!