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Misogyny or just a personality clash?

7 replies

libbylove · 21/06/2018 21:23

I'm just finishing up my first month in a new job and the guy who I'm taking over from (a peer) - bit younger than me (early 30s), very focused but a bit full of jargon - seems friendly but has done two things to undermine me in front of other colleagues. Let's call him, I don't know, Z.

The first time was when Z instructed me to take notes on something in a meeting "so he knew I'd understood it." I was like okay, maybe he's not great at communicating. But another colleague, X, came and apologised to me afterwards for Z's behaviour so that made me wonder if it was something more.

Then today we were in a meeting full of other peers. It turns out Z's been having meetings about an issue which relates to part of my work without including me. He informed me that he was, in future, going to be talking to X about everything pertaining to my project, because X knows all about it.

X works with both of us but is not responsible for communication between the two of us - Z and I both in roles which involve communicating between projects. X works on something different and isn't responsible for communicating. So imagine you're, I don't know, a magpie and you're only going to speak to a squirrel about the big magpie nest building project going on in your tree.

It was quite shocking. X went incredibly pale and stuttered and the room went silent. I said firmly to Z that our projects were going to require us to communicate very carefully and directly between Z and me. He curtly said "Understood" and left the meeting.

I've reported all this to my new bosses (they took the first incident really seriously - much more so than I expected, and I expect they'll be the same with this one) but to be honest I'm quite flabbergasted by the whole thing. Being new to the job I'm trying to act as professionally as possible and can't imagine what I might have some wrong, because although my arrival coincided with some problems with the project as Z was handing it over these couldn't be attributed to me at all. The problems were partially his fault, I suppose, but it's widely acknowledged that Z was being asked to do too much and that problems were bound to happen as a result.

A couple of weeks ago he stopped talking to me (I can't believe I'm typing this but it's true) after I requested he slow his handover down to the originally planned date, as he was trying to pass over tasks too quickly. I got why he was cross as he's got a lot on his plate, but the work is really complex and I was worried I'd mess it up if I didn't get it all. It became an issue and again, my boss had to talk to him about it. In the end, he got his early handover date anyway but because I got my head round it all faster than I expected.

The most puzzling thing about all of this is that Z is a contractor and I'm a permanent staff member. Surely it's hugely against his own interests to be acting this way? They can get shot of him in an instant.

Not sure what to do if this happens again - everyone suggests really cool zingers but the last two times I've been really blindsided by it. In both instances he's been really blasé about it, like he's being perfectly reasonable. I'm left completely astonished and slightly powerless, which again is massively undermining in front of other people.

What would you do if he does this kind of thing again? Help!

OP posts:
libbylove · 21/06/2018 21:27

...I mean, I'd love to put it down to a personality clash, but X has been there a bit longer and he thinks it's a gender thing. I work in a mostly male office. X is beginning to become quite a good ally to me, thankfully. X is also going to report this to our mutual boss as he's really unhappy and thinks that this last incident really crossed a line.

My question is, if Z doesn't stop this behaviour after being talked to by our boss, what should I do?

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AssassinatedBeauty · 21/06/2018 21:29

It sounds like he's got an issue with something to do with the reallocation of the projects that might not have anything to do with you specifically. Is he staying on with the company to continue doing the project(s) he is now left with?

libbylove · 21/06/2018 21:58

@Assassinated Yes, he's staying on. The work he's left with has the biggest budget and profile in the department, but he seems to really enjoy the pressure and status as well as the general day to day work.

The work he's handed over to me is something I understand and know really well, whereas he'd not previously done anything like it. If I were him I'd be happy to be shot of it! I don't really understand his motivations.

One thing I would say is that I'm hearing on the grapevine that several things in his main project are starting to unravel and affect the work of quite a few others indirectly, including me. But that's not affecting his relationships with any of our peers or other colleagues (all male) - he only seems to have a problem with me.

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OliviaStabler · 22/06/2018 12:54

He sounds quite arrogant to me but mainly his ego has been hurt that a) he couldn't handle the extra work he was given and b) that you have been brought in to take that on and done so quickly and competently - a task he couldn't manage.

My view would be that you shut him down publically each time he tries to be the big I am in front of others, polite and professional of course but make it clear that you won't be belittled, spoken to in that manner etc.

daisychain01 · 23/06/2018 07:03

He informed me that he was, in future, going to be talking to X about everything pertaining to my project, because X knows all about it

Response: So to clarify, what you're saying is you're going to cut me out of the loop and only talk with X about my project. That doesn't work for me, tell you what, I'll set up some regular checkpoint meetings for you me and X to have regular reviews. It will save you duplicating effort which isn't very efficient, is it?

oneggshellsallthetime · 26/06/2018 06:35

Don't know OP if you'll revisit your post but, crikey, that was a shot across the bows from Z. I'd imagine it is a case of both.

If something similar happens again I would immediately report it to your boss. It could be misogyny with an unhealthy dose of nobitis thrown in. Whatever it is, he lacks emotional intelligence and a professional manner.

libbylove · 26/06/2018 07:47

@oneggshells @daisy Thanks guys. I spoke to him privately yesterday and basically asked him what his problem was. He laid into me! In an annoyingly professional way. He doesn't like that I asked to stick to the original planned handover timeline when he wanted to hand things over sooner, and he also doesn't like that (having failed to get any info from him) I resorted to emailing him and CCing other people for information, outlining the consequences of not getting it. He says I alarmed everyone by being too direct.

It's really hard because I'm getting great feedback about my work from everyone else but being new, I've got a bit of imposter syndrome so it was really easy to completely believe every criticism he made. He uses loads of jargon and I'm finding out he has actually asked people to help him tell outright lies to senior people (like, "I'm going to lie to them, don't say anything about...") - clarity is not his thing but I'm really open about stuff, maybe too much so.

I've reported my convo with him to my boss but I'm really not sure where I stand. I feel like I need to think about it some more. It was so weird because I planned on calling him out and I did say it felt disrespectful but he just laid into me and I didn't expect that!

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