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Original poster

Working with someone who won't speak to you

26 replies

Albaba · 25/05/2018 19:05

I work in an office in a small team. Recently a woman moved in from another Department replacing someone who was much liked. The problem is this woman completely blanks me, in that doesn't utter a single word to me. If she was shy this wouldn't be a problem but with a lot of the others she is all chatty chatty but all in hushed tones so you can't hear what is being said. I get zilch, zero, nothing.

I just feel that there is tension between us but I don't know why. I work hard and think that people like and respect me. It is ok when everyone is there it doesn't feel so obvious but there are a few times when we have been on our own and I can definitely feel tension and if I feel it surely it most be noticeable to others too. We had a good team before and everyone worked well together, now I am feeling uncomfortable at work. I would expect that sort of behaviour from one of my children but not a grown woman.

She doesn't say hello in the morning, interact with me at all and twice when we have been on our own has just got up and left in the evening without saying a word. So what do I do? I am not confrontational at all. Do I just go on like it is now? Others seem to like her and can't see what I am seeing. Or should I say something to management. It just feels a lot like school, telling tales and saying X doesn't like me but would they do, you cant make someone like someone else.

I just feel like I have enough going on in my life and a difficult work colleague is something that I don't need. What should I do?

OP posts:
FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 25/05/2018 19:07

Speak to HR.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 25/05/2018 19:08

Personally I would put her on the spot and ask her why she is deliberately not speaking to you, however if you don't feel able to do that then yes you need to speak to your manager. Deliberately ignoring someone is classed as bullying and she needs to be told. Thanks

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/05/2018 19:08

Does she talk to you as necessary for you and her to do your jobs? As in, if you ask her a work related question does she respond appropriately?

userbored · 25/05/2018 19:11

I would say "excuse me , do you have a minute, I'd just like to speak to you for a sec.......I just wanted to check if I've offended or upset you as I feel like you treat me differently than the others in our team and I'd like to improve that......."

X

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/05/2018 19:11

I wouldn’t do anything official. Your first course of action should be to talk to her? Say hi?

If you haven’t done this then why should she?

Original poster
Albaba · 25/05/2018 19:17

The problem is that I am not confrontational at all. I just wouldn't say "do you have an issue with me?" or "why do you speak to others but ignore me?" I would just sit and silently fume.

In our work, we would have our own individual projects as such but I am more than willing to help others out for example taking phone calls, helping out if others have too much on etc. She doesn't speak to me at all. Work related or otherwise.

OP posts:
NevermindMyMind · 25/05/2018 19:23

Has everyone else made and effort with her and you've let her just get on with it and come to you when she's ready? She might actually be shy or feel threatened by you.

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/05/2018 19:24

Does the not talking to you at all make her or you less able to do your work, or less efficient at it?

I think you probably need to have one attempt to sort this out with her before involving management. You don't need to be confrontational or accusatory. You can just say that you have noticed that she does not speak to you at all, and that you would like to understand what's going on, if there's anything you can do to resolve this.

Failingat40 · 25/05/2018 19:24

Don't involve HR - they simply won't give a shit. They are not there for this type of thing at all.

Don't fall into the trap of discussing this with anyone else on the team.

I'm in a similar situation at work and have been labelled as being 'negative' and moany even though I know I'm being bullied others simply can't / won't see it and don't want involved. Even line managers so don't make the mistake I did and kick up a fuss about it.

If I could give you any advice it would be to kill her with kindness. Honestly. Don't confront her. She knows what she's doing, why we don't know but don't let it get to you. Ask her loads of questions about herself and be super nice.

Some people are odd. Someone might have said the most minor thing to her about you or something you've said and it's been taken way out of context. Prove her wrong.

Flyingpompom · 25/05/2018 19:35

When you say she blanks you, do you mean she doesn't answer you when you speak directly to her?

userbored · 25/05/2018 19:35

Do you instigate any conversation with her?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/05/2018 20:07

Op

Have you said hi to her? After all she was the newbie not you!

You still haven’t answered

I have been on the end of a similar complaint and the person in question never ever once attempted to speak to me, smile at me etc I truly didn’t give a hoot and didn’t realise she did but then she had the audacity to complain about me! Even though she had not once spoken to me.

I did not think it was her responsibility to talk to me first but I genuinely didn’t see an issue. She could have talked to me!

seven201 · 25/05/2018 20:12

I'd keep persisting.
Hi sandra, how was you bank holiday?
Fine
What did you do?
Not much.
Oh I bet that was relaxing. Did you hear on the news about x?
No I didn't.
Well, Donald Trump...

Try and involve others a bit as well so she can't be seen as not interacting with you. I'd also do a big loud 'bye sandra, have a great evening'

NevermindMyMind · 25/05/2018 20:17

That is exactly what I was thinking it could be, Melliegrantfirstlady.

daisychain01 · 26/05/2018 09:48

I would make eye contact, smile and say hi hope you had a nice weekend, but don't put the onus on her to have to reply. She needs to meet you half way. Leaving it open won't make her feel you are painting her into a corner on purpose.

Later in the day, ask her ' would you like a cuppa, I'm just off to get on for myself'. Smile genuinely.

See her as a human being but maybe someone who's developed her own mental block about you. You're giving her a dignified way out.

Don't involve HR or management. Sort it out if you can.

Even if you run out of options, you will have tried your best without forcing the issue. Ask yourself whether you actually need to chat with her in order to successfully execute your role duties. If not just let it go, you and she both have lives outside work where neither of you matter to each other.

LordEmsworth · 26/05/2018 09:53

The problem is that I am not confrontational at all.

So don't confront her. Just talk to her.

Taytotots · 26/05/2018 09:57

The sort of occasions you have described her not talking to you (coming in, leaving) make it sound like she might be worried about disturbing you. Do you come across as very hard working?
If she is speaking to you normally in other work situations might be worth doing as dausychain and seven say and really talking to her a lot.

SexyManatee · 26/05/2018 09:57

Say hi! See what happens first.

CanIBuffalo · 26/05/2018 10:01

So have you spoken to her at all?

NevermindMyMind · 02/06/2018 22:40

How has it been lately, OP?

WhereIsMyXylophone · 04/06/2018 14:51

We used to see this as a challenge in our last job. The game was to find someone in a department that we would pass but wouldn't even acknowledge you in the corridor.

Start off by saying morning or hello every time you saw them, then count how many times you did it before they said hello back.

The goal was to get them to say it first Grin

We worked for the council in a fun department, but those surrounding us were quite miserable. Hence our game.

Maybe you could do that? Just start saying hello to her each time she comes into the office and see how many days before she says it back.

purpleme12 · 04/06/2018 14:56

Yes you haven't said what happens if you actually speak to her. Have you?

Spam88 · 04/06/2018 15:20

To be honest there's a few people in my office that I'd be quite happy if they never spoke to me. Well, one person. And my productivity would go through the roof Grin

As others have said, it's not clear whether you're speaking to her and she's blanking you or whether you both just aren't initiating conversation but for some reason you think she should be the one to do it.

imsconequeen · 04/06/2018 15:41

OP NOT COMING BACK Y'ALL

RatherBeRiding · 04/06/2018 16:51

I can't see anywhere in either of your posts when you have said that you have actually spoken to her, rather than you waiting for her to speak to you.

If you say Good Morning, or - well, anything at all - and she completely ignores you and acts as though you are not there and haven't spoken, then there is clearly a problem. However, if you've not actually spoken to her and she is responding in kind - well, that's a bit different.

As others have suggested - speak to her but don't expect an answer. Especially in ear-shot of other colleagues. Don't come across as the one who is causing the problem.