For those of you who have jobs that involve working away...

[CountessDracula]

I'm a project manager for a software house and up until now I have pretty much managed to avoid working away. However in the next month I have at least 2 nights away each week. I have a 23 month old dd.

I just wanted to ask how you cope? How do you explain it to them? I told dd tonight and she smiled but didn't understand.

I do work from home a lot which compensates for the time away to some extent, but I am worried that I'm just going to be miserable and so is she. Plus dh also has to go out sometimes for work (though not many nights away) and I'm worried it will end up with us hardly seeing each other in the week.

On the upside I am quite looking forward (selfishly) to a couple of nights chilling on my own, nice bath, room service, good book etc - but I know this will pall by the second week!

My heart is breaking at the thought of spending even less time with my dd than I already do

Hi COuntess I go to Dublin once a month and my kids have been remarkably resilient. They are dd5 ds8 dd9 and although they hate it they have coped. Actually my dh is the worst and it does get a bit wearing when he rings in the middle of things to ask which oven of the aga do potatoes go in!

I spend about 8 nights a month away and actually it is like my time! I sometimes secretly enjoy it!

However there is a price and at the start of the summer when I spent more time with my kids I realised that some of their manners had disintegrated and my dd5 was having temper tantrums and I hadnt really noticed so that has been a lesson to me.

Anyway would be good to share some thoughts with you. I was a SAHM for six years and the change has been dramatic.

oh my heart goes out to you. i overheard my boss saying to someone on the phone the other day "we have a lot of people with young families here who can't just drop everything & travel round the world" and I've told her that I'll be up for little stints maybe next year (dd2 is 15 mths) but I know it'll be hard. dh went away for 6 days recently and they both missed him. he missed them too, but not however when he was having a facial in his hotel. i didn't even know he knew what one was.....

Not sure I can offer any advice and can only sympathise. I'm off to San Francisco on Sunday and won't get back until Friday lunchtime...dd is only 11 months and the thought of being away from her for a week is killing me already. I expect my dd won't realise what's going on until I get back which is probably no bad thing - just the neurotic side of me that thinks she'll somehow forget who I am entirely and when I go to pick her up from nursery on the Friday, she won't recognise me. Stupid I know - but sometimes there's no reasoning with my neurotic side!!!

Should I say nothing then? Or tell her I'm going and gradually she will understand. Oh god she might start preferring her nanny to me

No no CD that'll never happen - see here's the rational bit in me coming out now! Definitely will not prefer the nanny! To be honest - I can't see how you can possibly do more than you have already. Whilst 23 month olds may acknowledge what you've said I don't think they probably have the capacity to realise exactly what it means. I'm sure I read another thread on here the other day which had some really good advice on it. From memory, some of them were:

• not necessarily calling home to speak to dd/ds whislt you're away as this might just lead to upset - although my sister said today that she thought it was a good thing to do and had used this to good effect on her dd and ds when she was in Italy...
• leaving a small present hidden so dd/ds could do a treasure hunt each day you're gone to find a small treat
• creating a star chart where he/she could put a sticker for each night you're away - 3 stickers means you're home again.....etc.

Can't think what esle there was but I'm sure if you do a trawl through the travel bit - you may find what I'm talking about. Of course none of these great tips is going to help our dd who is too young right now to appreciate stars and presents!!

I used to go away approximately 3 nights every 4 months etc. I always told me dd1 what was happening. According to my dh its actually harder on me than it was on her. I always come back loaded with presents (major guilt trip here) and I always worked my butt off (unfortunately not literally) so that I didn't sit there and pine. My worst moments were the times at night when I would wake up and not be able to go back to sleep (I always travelled afar). However I enjoy seeing other places. I got to fly business class and stay in posh hotels. I could go out for posh meals and actually chew my food instead of gobbling it down inbetween getting dd1 to eat.

Meanwhile my dd1 and dh had a wondeful time "bonding". When dh goes away I know that dd1 missed him and is glad when he's home but she's not distressed. We have a lot of fun together as the girls etc.

CD - the worst bit will be the run up to going when you're probably going to feel like the worst mum in the world, a mix of horrified guilt and a little of excitment. That means you're normal. You're very welcome to email me if you wish.

Good luck

I am a single mum, and have left dd with a nanny overnight on a few occasions. For a few weeks before I departed, I talked to her about what would happen in detail every day.....mummy will get on an airplane, and while I'm away nanny will be here with you, nanny will put you to bed, nanny will be here when you wake up, nanny will play with you, and then I'll come back. I kept reinforcing the concept, with special emphasis on the parts of her routine that would be different in my absence. Think it's much better to do it that way (then to say nothing to her), as they need to trust you, and to know that you will do as you say. I also put a loose photograph of the two of us in her bed with her toys, and I'm told that she would look at it from time to time. Don't know if it was because she missed me, or if she just liked looking at herself!

Anyway, she was absolutely fine. She will sense your anxiety, so probably the best thing is to present it in a very matter of fact way. Good luck. It is hard, but you'll see that it will be OK.

As someone said, I think it's harder on you than on them actually!

I probably only spend about one night a month away for work, but I still simultaneously find it hard/ sad, yet also strangely liberating to get that bit of 'time' to myself!
I always talk to DS1 (4) and DS2 (2) on the phone, and DH always does special 'routine-breaking' things with them (e.g. breakfast in the playroom, or stories in our bed etc etc)
And of course the best bit is coming home and getting those hot little arms around you...

message withdrawn

Although on mat leave at the moment I have done a fair bit of travelling in the past when we only had DD1 (now 4) and as it was a reasonably regular occurance we treated is as part and parcel of life - just like going to work or nursery. We didn't do any special treats or anything along those lines, just the odd present (if I am honest usually bought at Heathrow whilst waiting on a flight back to Scotland) but I always called and said good night even from when she was very young. DH is now travelling a lot and we have used the same approach and looking at it from the other end she appears neither up nor down. In fact she loves checking the map to find out where he is going and learning all about the place so she can surprise him when he comes home. This came about as she got older and wanted to know where X was, what did people eat there, was it hot or cold etc.

Good Luck

I am so impressed with all this advice and especially the treasure hunt! I may start that as I am away alot in September.

I am pretty matter of fact about it all except when my dd5 burst into tears as I was going to miss her assembly so I got a later flight to make it.

Ahh Mo2 that hot little arms comment has really made me feel how lovely it's going to be to come home

Oh thank you all so much. It's for things like this that I love mumsnet so much.

Dd loves maps already, we often look at the road map and she tries to pointatwhere her grandparents live etc. I will do all that stuff. I remember when I was little and my mum used to go to Australia sometimes she would always bring back loads of post cards of landmarks, plus trad. aussie stuff like toy koalas and musk sticks yum. I will try and do that too so that she ends up looking forward to me coming home rather than dreading me going. The routine breaking with daddy sounds a good one too.

Thanks everyone xx

coming rather late to this...

agree with everyone who has said it will be much the worse for you. ds has coped with both me and his father being away for days at a time periodically. below a certain age, they don't really notice, above a certain age they can understand (or at least repeat when you tell them) where the other parent has gone.

agree with the advice - just make it a normal part of life for her, point at planes and say something like "mummy/daddy is going away on a plane to america! how exciting!" we did this with ds and he got a lot of fun out of it when we were gone.

of course this doesn't address your feelings. agree you will not find it much of a pleasure to be away from home after the novelty has worn off (one/two nights max) . i know you have other "issues" with your job atm and only you know how far you are willing to go with this company... can you ask not to be sent away? or is it time to start looking around?

hth and good luck.

Well SQ I was thinking about that. BUT this travel thing is only temporary ie for the next month - in fact I've just agreed today to do a major project down in Gatwick starting at the beginning of September so that should stop me travelling much until xmas. They are generally very very good and don't make me travel but all this stuff is unavoidable as it's knowledge transfer and I'm the only one with the blimmin knowledge in the whole company! (long story, have been designing a new product and as I was ill they let me take 6 weeks writing the course so I could work from home and now of course I have to impart the info to my colleagues and of course a bloody client in Holland has signed up unexpectedly early etc etc)

They are nice people to work for generally, it's more like being self employed ie I get to manage the big projects and cherry pick stuff to suit me, they pay me really well and I do think if I can hold out for my 4 days a week then that would be fine.

cd i got home too late last night to see dd2 (dd1 was still awake) before she fell asleep..but she woke at 3.30am and we had a quick feed and a nice cuddle, I could see her little beady eyes in the dim light, and she smiled, then giggled at me for about 5 mins before she dropped off to sleep again. blissful, if brief contact....felt bad about coming home late but there was a crisis..and really enjoyed those few minutes with her. she was bright as a button this morning.

Quick update - I actually had rather a nice evening after all my moaning. Had a swim and a massage at the hotel, dyed my hair, strolled around the town, had nice dinner in my room and then read a really good book for TWO HOURS! Went to sleep really early and slept like a log, I actually feel really good today.

I do suffer from tiredness a lot due to my Crohn's Disease and recently glandular fever, maybe I should take the opportunity to recharge my batteries when travelling - then I will feel much more up for it with dd and dh when I am at home and the whole thing could pay off!

Oh and of course dd was fine, slept like a log and dh was sounding very happy about the whole thing.

awww that's lovely. (who do you see for your crohns, btw, i was thinking about doing a phone in programme on it...)

I see a wonderful woman called Dr Kapani (not sure about the spelling) at the Hammersmith. Was under Dr Murray-Lyons at Charing X for years, he is great too.

Let me know if you are doing a phone in, I will listen. Which station?

r4

( i love doing gut problems, they're so neglected. the next run is nov/dec i think. will let you know)

Are you a gut perv?
Do lots of people like listening to progs about guts? What do callers say?

BTW www.nacc.org.uk would be a good place to source experts etc I would think.