So what the hell do I do now?

[moominmama86]

Sorry, this is probably going to be a bit of a mad ramble. Thanks to anyone who sticks with it!

I started a new job three weeks ago. It's great - not exactly well-paid or prestigious but pretty much perfect for my current needs - flexible, convenient, unstressful and friendly. It's just 16 hours a week and I'm enjoying every one of them. So far so good. And what's even better, I have free childcare, courtesy of my mum. So, perfect, right?

Well actually, the problem is, as some of you may know, my mum herself. She suffers from an OCD-type disorder - it's hard to explain but that's the nearest I can get to it - we don't in truth know exactly what it is. It's very distressing for her - she hears sounds and words repeated over and over, like when you get a song stuck in your head, but x10000 if you can imagine it - but the thing is, she's better when she has distractions. Hence, the idea that it would be great if she could look after ds while I am at work. She's good with him, he's happy with her, I don't have any problems in that sense.

But I think I'm going to have to give the job up. Every morning she comes downstairs and tells me that she can't possibly cope with looking after ds for the 3 or 4 hours I'm away. She'll be crying (as she does every morning and has done for months and months now) and saying she wants to go to sleep and never wake up again, take all her pills etc. It's awful. I feel terrible, I feel angry, guilty, scared, everything. And then we'll have a row, and then she'll say 'Oh no, I'm okay really, I'll be fine, don't give your job up.' And then as I walk out of the door she'll be crying again. And then I spend all morning at work jumping every time the phone rings because I'm sure it'll be her saying I need to come home right now. And of course it never is. I get home and ds is happy, fed, napped, playing, she's having her lunch, everything's calm.

What the hell do I do? Do I give up work? I can't afford a childminder or a nursery - and if she thinks she's going to be left on her own if I go to work and ds to a childminder, the suicide threats will get even worse - it'll be unbearable, I couldn't even chance it. So I'll be at home with her all day, looking after her, looking after ds, no money, no job. What do I do? I don't think I can stand another morning like this morning, screaming, crying, guilt, frustration. Am I being terrible even to consider leaving him with her? I know she's fine, she's capable, but she doesn't think she is, that's the point. I'm a single mother - I have to work, I want to work. I want to get my life back on track, but I can't stand the worry that working is bringing. After all, would you leave your child with someone who every morning told you they weren't mentally fit to look after them? What the hell do I do?

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. This is going to sound horrible but i dont think you should be totally responsible for her after all you do deserve and need your own life. However, it doesnt sound fair for your mum to be responsible for your ds whilst she is having so many problems of her own.
No solutions sorry but sympathy for you and your mum.

Lots of sympathy, but also no useful suggestions Moomin. Does she perfer to be around people? Perhaps you could go with her and your ds to a play group on your way to work, or help her to build up her own social network while your not at work so that she will have people to be with while you're not there.

I think it's definitely not a solution for you to spend all your time with her. I hope someone else has some more useful suggestions.

Hi Moominmama, I have no experience to offer direct advice but your situation sounds so difficult I wanted to say hi and send sympathy. Can you seek advice or support from someone professional? eg Is there an assocation/charity that deals with the kind of problems your mum has that has a helpline? It'd be a start and you might find them helpful. In a sense it sounds like you, your mum, and your ds have a lot of positives to offer each other - the childcare for you, a sense of purpose and worth for your mum, and two loving carers for ds. but it's obviously not quite righ. Can you talk to your mum in a situation/at a time when she's likely to be more calm and rational? Is it a time of day thing? Is she less able to cope in the mornings? Is there any chance of changing your work to suit her better? If you could talk these sort of things through with your mum maybe you can come up with a solution. Afraid I feel a bit useless but wish you lots of luck

This is what I'm worried about. I know she has lots of problems, I was just hoping that the distraction of looking after ds for a few hours a day would be helpful. Because it's either that or chainsmoking, crying and threatening suicide. And she does enjoy being with him, she wants to do it, IYSWIM. But now I'm thinking that I've just completely misjudged the whole thing and feel hopeless. I don't know what is best.

sorry posts crossed

Bran - she barely leaves the house. No hope of getting her to go anywhere with me, really. She will take ds out to feed the ducks or play on the swings but that's it. Social networks don't exist in our house any longer. She doesn't want to know.

You shouldnt have to cope with this on your own. Is her gp any help? It sounds like she needs outside help plus it's not fair on you anyway to have to deal with in your own.

Is your income low enough to qualify for Tax Credits? If so you would probably get help with childcare costs if you reached the point where you had to consider alternative arrangements. Obviously it wouldn't be the same as free childcare but it might be just enough to allow you to carry on working.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. xx

I guess my income would qualify me for tax credits. It's just this ridiculous situation where I know the Sh1t would really hit the fan if I put ds with a childminder, for example. Mum already told me today that she can't stand the silence in the house when he is off with his dad at weekends (weekends are always appalling because of this). She cried the last time I mentioned daycare for ds and said she would have no reason to live anymore.

Basically she wants me at home with her until she is well again. But, according to her, she's never going to get well. Catch 22 doesn't even begin to describe it.

Moominmama - I agree with Hercules that this is far too much to cope with on your own. IIRC your mother was recently admitted to a clinic for treatment - what was her plan of care on discharge? does she receive any CPN or social work follow up?

In terms of your job - I think in terms of preserving your sanity and self-esteem it is important that you have some form of employment outside the house. Would there be no assistance via tax credits/free nursery places for over 3s available to you?

I hope you don't think that this next comment is out of line - in the long term, I don't know how tenable the situation is of you remaining living with your mum, without you and your son facing distressing behaviour on a day to day basis, and become distressed and depressed by this. I think you and your son need space from your mum. I appreciate that you are keen to look after your mum; is there no way you could obtain some form of subsidised rented accommodation or council accommodation nearby? Apologies if I am being deeply naive and you have looked into all my suggestions already.
Take care

xxx

cross posted with you, Moominmama 86. I do appreciate that it is an awful situation for you. I think that given your mother's condition, whatever you do - stay at work, and have her look after DS, stay at work, and have DS looked after by a nursery, or remain at work with her, she will still find life incredibly difficult, whilst she is suffering with her mental health to this degree. Therefore I think it is important for you to look at your own needs and preferences. Is your mum having any ongoing treatment other than medication? It may be sensible for you to have a discussion with her psychiatrist (if she still sees one) as to what he would consider most appropriate for you and her - i.e. in terms of childcare arrangements etc.

MtS - yes, she was recently dishcarged from a clinic. No follow-up except for a half-hour 'chat' a week after with her keyworker nurse. No CPN. Consultant still crap. Private therapist on holiday (and tbh, they're all wasting their time at the moment anyway - she thinks they're all useless, she won't do the therapy etc etc. Same old same old.)

And no, you're not out of line. Of course you're not. It's just, oh it's so hard to describe. I know it's not a great environment in many ways. It's just - and I really really don't want to insult anyone by saying this - the thought of benefits, council housing etc etc - I just don't want to go there. I'm sorry. Maybe that's the wrong attitude. I don't know. I just don't want to go down that path. Sorry if that offends anyone.

moominmama86 - sorry that you are not getting better aftercare for your mother. Do you have a chance to speak by yourself to the keyworker nurse? What is your father's involvement in this? I think you do need to consider your long term plans if your mother's condition does not improve. What is your ex's role in paying for maintenance/accommodation for you and DS? Have you had chance to do any reading on OCD, or to look at any support groups for relatives/carers of people with OCD?