Feeling stuck in a job that I'm failing at

[Foggy38]

I'm feeling really stuck at work and have been for some time. The job itself is excellent; the environment is good, I work in a team of lovely, competent colleagues and I'm paid really well compared to other similar roles in my sector.
The problem seems to be me... Since getting this job a few years ago I seem to be getting more and more anxious. I landed the job following a good interview but if I'm honest I probably hadn't got enough experience. I feel like the longer I do the job the worse I'm getting at it; my anxiety really clouds my thinking and I'm getting worse and worse at making decisions. I've indirectly heard poor feedback about my performance on several occassions which has lowered my confidence further. I definitely don't think this is imposter syndrome.
I know that I need to take responsibility for this situation, but I'm feeling such a huge amount of shame attached to it. I don't think anyone at work even realises I'm struggling (although I do sense that they are questioning my performance). I'm quite senior in my role and my team is not set up in way that I could be mentored.
I am starting to worry that things are closing in on me; my boss is organising some meetings about my role and I'm dreading poor feedback.
My friends and family know that I'm unhappy but I don't feel able to talk with anyone at all about the fact that I'm not doing my job well as I'm so ashamed. I'm taking medication but no one knows this either... This all conflicts so much with how I generally present myself in life; I'm generally confident and light hearted, so I don't think people pay too much attention. I feel like I'm living a double life of trying my best to keep up the pretence that I'm ok, but most days involve sitting on the loo crying in my lunch break and crying all the way home in the car before walking through my front door smiling.
I'm feeling so stuck and just don't know what to do. I know the answer really is probably simple and I need to take responsibility for this situation, however I've been thinking about this for about 2 years now and nothing has changed. I am definitely not meaning to come across as self-pitying (although aware that I probably am!!).
I'm trying for a baby and am not at an age where I can put it off to try and get a new job so I don't feel just changing job is an option right now. If it was just a case of carrying on unhappy I could probably cope, but it's the concern that I'm going to make a big mistake that will impact on someone else that worries me.
I'd welcome any insights or shared experiences... or even a big old kick up the arse!!! Thanks smile

What about seeing a coach (career coach / life coach)? It might help you untangle the different issues and clarify options.

I sympathise. Actually on the face of it I would say just leave the job if it is making you so miserable, but of course there are many ifs and buts and it depends a lot on your financial situation.

In the meantime (and just to keep up your morale) - is there anything at all you like about the job or feel you are good at? Perhaps keep a list of achievements or successes and refer to it frequently to combat the downward cycle of self-esteem and anxiety?

Is it so totally unthinkable to start applying for other jobs while TTC? Conceiving might take you longer than you think and the job search might at least give some inspiration for the direction to take later.

Self-sabotage is not being your friend. It's common to have this nasty little voice inside your head telling you how useless and incompetent you are, how everyone else is doing so much better and you're bound to make a mistake that will bring your career down.

You need to create that friendly voice which speaks louder to drown out that negative little critter, telling you that you're doing OK, everyone else is 'faking it til they make it', you've learned such a lot in this job, just need to remind yourself how far you've come.

I'm quite senior in my role and my team is not set up in way that I could be mentored

Not true, everyone can have a mentor, even if it isn't someone inside the company. You need someone to help you work on your self esteem. Does your company operate an EAP scheme? If so, try to seek support from them first, but I encourage you to find someone more senior to work with. It will really help.

be honest with your manager about your anxiety and your medication - this will protect you down the line as they have a duty to support you. It comes under the equalities act.

You are not incompetent, you have depression/anxiety and this makes you feel incompetent. I've been in this position and in many respects I still am.

Are you in a union? Speak to them or join one. They can offer support and advice also.