childminder worries

[Tigermoth]

My nearly 2-year old needs a new childminder. Sadly his much-loved childminder who has cared for him since he was 6 months old is retiring.

I am pretty experienced in choosing childminders, but I want to be extra careful about this decision, since I feel my son is deeply attached to his old childminder. I want to make the transition as painless as possible.

I have already visited some replacements and I am getting a shortlist together. However I feel the power of mumsnet could help me reach that crucial, final decision.

So, please, has anyone got any good or bad childminder experiences or advice - most especially to do toddlers - to relate?

Tigermoth, you have my sympathy on this one. Our rising two has also been looked after by the same childminder since he was 6 months old and I would be devastated if she stopped as he is so happy with her.
My advice would be to spend plenty of time with the new childminder and your son together so that he knows her well before you leave them. Is there any chance that your current childminder could take him to the new childminder that you choose too?
Toddlers are such creatures of habit and they don't always take very kindly to change. Go as gradually as is at all possible.
Good luck.

Message withdrawn

Tigermoth, what a worry for you both, and such a shame she's retiring. I'd add to the good advice here, don't be afraid to trust your instincts. Even if a person seems nice/interested in your child/properly qualified, it doesn't make them necessarily the right one for you and your family. I'd ask around locally - maybe at nearby primary schools or any after school play-clubs. Your church might be a good place to ask too?
Good luck, anyhow - let us know how you get on.
I have found the Early Years people for our patch of SE London REALLY nice and helpful, and I think they're overhauling the list of minders, making it much quicker to find local ones to your home who actually have a vacancy. I can give you an e-mail address for the coordinator if you want.

Ooo childminders...Grrr...don't get me started. I threatened to sack mine last night whilst tearing my hair out with a screaming 21 month old. She put him down for his nap at 3.30 in the afternoon so, consequently he was still running around, wide awake at 10pm. (He's usually an angel at his 7.30pm bedtime). My mistake was to use a family member as a childminder. Not cheaper (in my case) and less open to criticism....

Hmonty I can relate to this. One of my older son's childminders was a friend and neighbour who volunteered for the job after she found out I was looking for a registered childminder. Because I knew and respected her, and she lived within yards of me, I said yes. We agreed a price (the going rate) and all was well for a few months, but the strain nearly caused our friendship to crumble beyond repair... that's another story.

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom. I have already networked as much as possible: notes up on school and church notice boards, regular updates from the early years centre etc. Just hoping for some more replies.

Apart from that 'intuitive link' you seek, I have been trying to find someone with lots of safe insured space (it never ceases to amaze me how tiny some childminder's nursery areas are), a garden, not too many full time children, no children of her own too close in age to mine (call me a cynic but I can't help thinking this could cause favouritism or anti-favouritism) and tons of experience.

So far one childminder fits all the above, but she is in her late 50's and has already one full-time 2 year old. I'm concerned that she might find two little active boys rather too much for her.

I have more childminders to visit, so fingers crossed. Any further advice is very welcome.

I think at two years old there are things now that I consider more important than I would have done when my child was a baby. The main one is the location of the toilet - potty training is looming fast - and as our childminder is going to play a crucial part in this I am pleased and relieved to know that she has a nice potty, that her gentle persuasion manages to get our son to sit on it and that she has a ground floor toilet which is within easy running distance. Also important to me is that she has strict routines and boundaries that are very similiar to my own. I feel I have a good handle on what my son is doing at certain times of the day with her and that feels comfortable and reassuring. She has another 2 year old during the day and the two of them play together very well and he is very active socially. The fact he is learning during his time with her is also very evident - colours, differences etc. He went to her at the age of 1 and over the last 15 months he has blossomed into a confident, well-mannered child. We spent a lot of time settling him in and getting used to her before he went full time and even then we had tears everyday, but she wasn't phased by it, she expected it and she'd scoop him up and they would sit and cuddle until he had got over it. Within days it got less and less and now he'll happily wave goodbye to us. Sometimes I have trouble getting him home! Good luck finding a new childminder!

Emmam thanks for your thoughtful comments. I hadn't thought about the potty training aspect, and as you say, you need a childminder who has rules, routines and standards of behaviour similar to your own. I also agree it's important to feel you have a strong sense of what your child's day is like. When I visit childminders I ask them if we can walk around their home together (rather than having an 'interview' in the living room), while we talk about the sort of routine my son will follow. It helps me picture how my son will fit in.

I have now chosen a childminder. Luckily she lives 2 minutes away - not the main consideration, but a useful plus. She has another 2-year old to look after and that's it. Also, and I have been told by my previous childminder that this is worth bearing in mind, the main play area is sited in a busy downstairs part of the house. Apparently some childminders will make a bedroom into the playroom and leave the toddlers there alone for some time.

And Batters, thanks for your words of advice. I am going to play down the whole thing. I do hope my current childminder wants to keep in touch with us, though. It is a difficult transition from paid carer to family friend. She is not the cosy granny sort, so can't be a subsititute older relative. Anyway the main thing is that my son has a nice carer to on go.

Tigermoth - I hope your childminder keeps in touch, even if it is a few phone calls one week and gradually less until it maybe once a month. The children I look after, although older, had their previous nanny for 7 years (one had her from 6 months and calls her her second mum), I am sure I wouldnt be having such a hard time with her if she had stayed in contact a little more (maybe she calls when Im gone and weekends but I am there quite late most nights). I have only seen one letter and a couple of phone calls since April with one visit, thats a long time to a child who had her nanny living with her.

Our childminder is good with our son. He likes going to her. However, perpetual criticisms of our parenting to other childminders, in the form of ‘I was talking to so and so and we think...’ comments, are really beginning to infuriate us. I have just lost 1.5 days at work because rather than believe us when we say that our child’s minor condition is not infectious she refuses to have him there and insists that we take him to the doctors. I understand her need to protect the other children but feel undermined that our word is not good enough. The condition does not make our child ill or any different to manage than on any other day. This is the second time I have taken him to the doctors against my will just to keep the peace and show willing. We know our son and if we were concerned we would take him to the doctors. We know he is not infectious the symptoms have been coming and going since birth and we treat it with homeopathy. No one else in the house has ever caught it, why would we it’s not contagious. Other parenting issues have also been questioned beyond that of illness. I have heard our childminder put other children's parents down so realise she may do this to us too. What do we do? She is an experienced and registered childminder, our son enjoys being with her but we are utterly fed up with the implication that we are not good parents. He is not yet a toddler but I can’t help but wonder how this will effect him in the months to come. This is a business arrangement but we feel all the boundaries are being blurred and whilst we don't want to be offensive we really feel we have to say something.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be gratefully received. I think the major contention is that we are vegetarian and use homeopathy and therefore we are not 'conventional' and having no experience of this approach she distrusts it. We do take our children to the doctors when necessary but not for every minor thing. Also we now feel that my having lost 1.5 days pay we should not pay her as we ordinarily would if our son had been ill. Are we being unreasonable? Help!

Winnie,

Talk to your childminder if you feel able to. Stick to your beliefs. Do you get paid for any time off from work? If you don't get paid for time off I would definately consider not paying her for those days, childcare is expensive enough as it is. I realise by doing this she will be losing valuable income, but maybe it will encourage her to think more carefully about what she says and does. No childminder has the right to put down any childs parents, all parents look after their children the best they know how to.

I once had trouble with a childminder, I made sure that it was only once, at the age of 4 to 5 months when my daughter was getting used to eating solids, her hands were getting in the way, she kept wanting to grab the spoon - anyway the childminder didn't like this so she made my daughter sit on her hands! When I got home from work and was told this by MIL as you can imagine I was furious. I made other childcare arrangements then gave her notice, less than she was entitled to but I wanted my daughter with her for as short a time as possible.

I have since had childcare problems with my son, unsuitable staff at nurseries, he always seemed happy enough, his final move was just before his 2nd birthday, he attended 2 nurseries before we found one that we were happy with, we haven't looked back since.

As your little boy isn't quite a toddler, I wouln't hesitate to make alternative arrangements, you need someone who is sympathetic to your beliefs and believes you when you say he is not contagious.

Hope all goes well and things get sorted soon.

Hi Winnie
If your child minder is bad-mouthing your parenting skills she's being very unprofessional. If she has concerns she should be talking to you about them, not anyone else.
The illness issue is perhaps a separate one- she is under an obligation to protect all the children in her care and ultimately it is up to her whether she is prepared to look after a sick child, infectious or not. It's not surprising that she feels she has to be vigilant on this issue. It sounds like she needs to learn a little more about your son's condition so that she realises he is not infectious or in need of extra care. Perhaps you could give her some more information- leaflets, doctors notes etc.
Have you got a contract with this childminder? If you do then it should cover whether fees are payable when a child is off sick.
If you feel really unhappy about your relationship with your son's childminder it is worth looking for other childcare options, I think.
Good Luck

Winnie, if your son has a condition that comes and goes, perhaps you could perhaps explain your current situation to your GP and get them to write a note for the childminder explaining that the condition is not infectious.
I agree with the others about the childminder not behaving in a professional way when she discusses your parenting with other people. I think you should tell her that it upsets you to know that she is discussing your parenting methods with other people. I know it won't be the most fun conversation in the world but I think it would definitely be worth having.
Good luck.

Thanks everyone for your comments. We take on board what you've all said about communication and making absolutely sure that our childminder is presented with the facts.

We also understand what has been said about payment and our childminder seeing the situation rather differently than us. Having taken a step back from our initial indignation and fury dp and I have decided to pay her as normal but to point out how we feel about paying for time taken off in our opinion unnecessarily. In fact as it is very difficult to talk at either dropping off or picking up time we have made a specific appointment to talk to her in which we are determined to voice our concerns. I don't want to upset anyone but to be frank we are deeply upset by the situation. The implication that parents who both work would never have their childs welfare at the top of their list of priorities we find particularly offensive! To be honest dp and I are having other misgivings this week following an incident with another child and how that child was disciplined. As I watched a child being humiliated and told that the childminder still wasn't speaking to her several hours after an incident I was deeply appalled. We have decided therefore to monitor the situation for a couple of weeks following our speaking to her and keep an open mind with regard to alternative arrangements. We realise we may simply have approaches to parenting that are simply too far apart to reconcile. We would never profess to be perfect parents and we do not expect our childminder to be perfect either however we do expect a certain level of professionalism. Thanks again for your comments.

Winnie, I came late to this one but you have my utter sympathy. I think you've already had some brilliant advice, but having been in a similar situation - my "fault" was not giving up breastfeeding, which was apparently interfering with my son's ability to bond with my childminder - I know how devastating emotionally all this can be, quite aside from the paperwork aspect. You feel the ground moving under your feet, don't you?
I was really worried when I saw what you'd written about her withholding affection from a child for a number of hours, to punish her - common sense and books I've read such as Toddler Taming and Steve Biddulph are rightly scathing about disciplining a child this way.
I was terribly lucky and managed to get a place for my son at a local nursery and gave my highly recommended, very experienced childminder the boot. I'll never forget the seemingly interminable month it took to get matters resolved, though. Keep your chin up and your resolve firm. You are NOT bad parents because you both work outside the home. You know your child better than anyone else. This woman is being unfair and unprofessional by making you feel this way. I'd start looking for an alternative now, even if you are able to retrieve the situation. I found I was only able to speak my mind to our childminder once I knew I had a nursery place lined up for him. Good luck. I was just wondering how you were getting on and now we know. You don't deserve this.

Hi Marina, thanks for thinking of me, and of course thanks for the advice. It really is a relief to know it happens to others as one can begin to wonder if one is completely paranoid and a really inadequate parent too! Generally , I am okay. Everything happens at once doesn't it? Extended family crisis, major life changing events,also started two new jobs, one which I am hoping will build on for the future the other I am hoping to drop in a few months time once my private work becomes more established. Busy, busy, busy... thankfully dp is as committed as me and everything is coming together. It's amazing how on the one hand family life can drive one crazy but at the same time it keeps one sane..., luckily I get one day a week to the baby and myself and I have to say it's a blessing.
Can't see any let up until at least January now so onwards and upwards... wish I could make the Xmas bash, best wishes, Winnie x

Winnie, how worrying - as if going back to work isn't stressful enough in itself. You've got lots of good advice. Not to go over old ground, here are a couple of other thoughts:

Have you taken up references? A talk to your childminder's referees might be really useful right now, especially if the referees are other parents. If your childminder hasn't given you any names of referees, I believe you are legally entitled to ask for some. I did this myself and I actually specified that I wanted one of the referees to be a parent of a child my childminder had cared for. When you're rushing to drop off or collect your child, you never meet the other parents properly, and it is very difficult to compare notes.

However, I think it's really not on for a childminder to not talk to a child for some hours. And this coupled with the other things you have said makes me urge you to start looking around for another carer. You don't have to say yes to another yet, but it gives you options if you are still unhappy in a month or two. In the meantime you can supply her with more information on your son's condition etc, get to know her better etc, but ultimately is up to your childminder to prove she is as professional and caring as you expect her to be. You are not in the wrong - she is.