Is accepting a team move the only option after bullying?

[thereinmadnesslies]

Long story short, I’ve been off sick for 6m after being bullied by a colleague over several months who encouraged the rest of the team to ostracise me. This led to a breakdown and I’m still struggling despite counselling and seeing a psychologist. The bully has been sent for retraining etc but remains in the team. Work acknowledge that it’s very likely that the bully will continue where she left off, although they are promising it will be dealt with better this time .

Work are offering me a chance to move to a new team, in a different office. Everyone I ask for advice is telling me that this is the best option, that the bully won’t change and it’s better for me to have a fresh start.

I’m really struggling with this. It seems likely the bully is getting what they wanted, ie they’ve pushed me out of the team. Meanwhile I lose the job I love (the move would be the same job title but in a subject area I have less interest/experience in). I would also have a less convenient commute and would have to pay £10/wk for parking when the current office have free parking. But I think the unfairness of it is more upsetting than the inconvenience.

Is it always the best option to move teams after bullying? How do I accept it?

Can you let go of the idea that the bully is getting what they want? It should be about what's best for you, what you want.

It is unfair on you. But you are being offered a fresh start with new faces and no history. They could be a great team and although it may not feel like it it might be a good opportunity.

She may well be on some sort of warning about this but they will not be able to tell you that due to confidentiality. The thing is if you go back and quickly have another major breakdown because she starts again they will not have protected you - but by offering this way out they are covering themselves. Only go back to the same site if you are sure that you can handle it until she gets herself managed out.

Thanks for answering. I guess it’s hard to accept that I ‘lose’ the situation. I’d like to think I could go back and cope with her but you are right, I’d break down again. I feel kinda responsible because she will do the same to whoever replaces me as well.

Ask for the bully to be moved? Your colleagues who she caused to ostracise you may have felt unable to stand up to her for whatever reason. Why should you have to move and end up with less job satisfaction and out of pocket?

It is very unfair that you are expected to move when it is less convenient for you.

I think I'd be inclined to get it in writing exactly what measures work have put in place to "deal with it better" next time. And what will actually happen if you approach management/HR again with evidence that the same behaviour has re-started. Have work actually formally acknowledged that you have been bullied? Or has it been dealt with "informally". Have you asked why the bully isn't being moved to a different team?

I have been in your situation. I moved to another team but the difference was it was an advertised role that I applied for while off and interviewed the week I came back so I could rationalise it as my ‘choice’. It was absolutely the right thing for me to move. I moved to a different site which was great for my mental wellbeing as I didn’t run the risk of bumping into them while still ‘recovering’. FWIW, the bully did get some retraining but did not change and continues to run people into the ground to this day.

If you can, you need to let go of them having ‘won’ and start focusing on making the right and best future choices for you and you alone. Yes, it’s rubbish that you’ll have to move and no you shouldn’t have to but it’s best to focus on what is going to help you get back to your best. Don’t give the bully any more headspace.

I’d certainly be asking work for an uplift in salary to cover your increased parking costs. That’s the least they can do.

RatherBe - it’s far easier for me to move teams, because there are a number of positions with my job title whereas the bully’s job title only has one per team so someone else would have to swop with the bully. I don’t think anyone else is willing to swop. It’s not fair, but with my sensible head on I know it’s easier for me to move.

Piff, thanks for sharing your experience. It’s nice to hear of someone who has been through it (although obviously not good that it happened to you too).

Do you mind me asking if the move worked out? Did you manage to recover from the situation? Did you get your confidence back? How do you handle meetings with the bully now - i will still have to attend monthly whole business meetings at the old office site so I can’t avoid them conpletely.

I don’t think they will agree to a pay uplift, it’s a bit of a sore topic for the team who moved to this site recently and weren’t given pay adjustments for the parking costs. I was wondering about asking to work from home 1 day per week to offset the parking costs.

The move worked out fine and thankfully I moved to similar job but in a different division so I didn’t have to have any day to day contact. I think the one time that I almost had to contact them about a cross-divisional activity, my lovely new boss kindly and quietly stepped in and took that piece of work off me. Everyone knew, that’s the thing, everyone knew what the bully was like and how they behaved and nothing was ever done. That’s the bit I still can’t let go of.

Anyway, yes I got my confidence back eventually but it has changed me. But I choose to look on it as lessons learnt - listen to my gut more (I came out of the interview for the job thinking they were trouble but was swayed into taking the job by the vast uplift in salary), speak up earlier if there is a problem and don’t be afraid to say ‘no, this isn’t for me’ and move. I stuck at it thinking I could somehow ‘solve’ it but of course nothing I did could have changed it because it was them, not me.

Hi @thereinmadnesslies I’m sorry you’re going through a horrible time at work.

I have been suffering similar treatment at work and posted my own thread here a few days ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/employment_issues/3217430-Toxic-workplace-wwyd

Being moved would be my resolution of choice. I know that it seems wrong in principle as really the bully should be removed and made an example of but I think a clean move is better for you and your MH.

Can I ask if you had to go through a formal grievance process to have this taken seriously?

I’m meeting with managers next week but they just don’t seem to be getting it. I’m also ill with the anxiety and stress of it all, the last incident was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

It’s really horrible to read so many instances of bullying in the workplace. The bullies should be sacked!

The bullies should be sacked! If only!!

I was bullied by someone I managed. She managed to whip up everyone else into siding with her. I had a fab line manager who got senior management to take it seriously. A confidential plan was put in place to manage her out. At the 11th hour, an influential person got wind of the plan and put a stop to it, having no knowledge or understanding of the situation.

The resolution was to put the entire team through a long-winded and painful restructuring. During the restructure, my fab line manager left, as did her (supportive) line manager.

In the end, I moved to another role in another team (a positive move for me) and the bully was demoted. She has made the new team lead's life hell and has upset every single colleague - who can now see her true nature, though they'll ever admit it to me. The bully is on long-term sick leave - on full pay of course! Anyway, her absence is creating increased workload for her colleagues and there are some tasks being neglected by them, which in turn is actually impacting on my role.

Oh and the "influential" person is now our boss .... hope he is regretting his decision to stop her sacking!!

Frustrating for all those affected by office bullies.

Icouldbesomebodyyouknow same happened to me - bullied by someone who I managed and she whipped up the rest of the team. She was quite clever with her timing, because she waited until a few members of the team who would never have entertained her bullshit were off for a while and she seized her opportunity.

She took it too far though and it backfired on her. She tried to escalate things by threatening formal complaints against me - I told her that was entirely up to her - when she did, my senior manager saw her behaviour for what it was and she got moved. I will never forget trying to keep an impassive face and ignoring the scene as she came in and flouncingly cleared her desk and started crying in front of the whole office - when in fact I wanted to smirk and say 'fuck you'. She left the organisation a few months later when it turned out she started having an affair with a married colleague in her new post and the wife made a fuss.

OP, whilst I got to stay in my team, and the bully was moved, I have to confess I was quite scarred by the incident. I had a meeting with the rest of the team and gave them an opportunity to move on positively and put it behind us (there had been some of joining in, but the bully was the instigator and kept it going), but tbh I never really trusted any of them again even though I tried to pretend it wasn't an issue.

I can see where you are coming from - I would have been so upset if I had been moved, and the bully got to stay - it would have felt like she had won. But be aware that it might be hard to ever trust your other colleagues in the team if they had been involved in ostracising you.

Icouldbesomebodyyouknow same happened to me - bullied by someone who I managed and she whipped up the rest of the team. She was quite clever with her timing, because she waited until a few members of the team who would never have entertained her bullshit were off for a while and she seized her opportunity.

She took it too far though and it backfired on her. She tried to escalate things by threatening formal complaints against me - I told her that was entirely up to her - when she did, my senior manager saw her behaviour for what it was and she got moved. I will never forget trying to keep an impassive face and ignoring the scene as she came in and flouncingly cleared her desk and started crying in front of the whole office - when in fact I wanted to smirk and say 'fuck you'. She left the organisation a few months later when it turned out she started having an affair with a married colleague in her new post and the wife made a fuss.

OP, whilst I got to stay in my team, and the bully was moved, I have to confess I was quite scarred by the incident. I had a meeting with the rest of the team and gave them an opportunity to move on positively and put it behind us (there had been some of joining in, but the bully was the instigator and kept it going), but tbh I never really trusted any of them again even though I tried to pretend it wasn't an issue.

I can see where you are coming from - I would have been so upset if I had been moved, and the bully got to stay - it would have felt like she had won. But be aware that it might be hard to ever trust your other colleagues in the team if they had been involved in ostracising you.

therein and beryl I'm sure this has been repeated up and down the country

I was bullied at work by someone in a position directly above me for about 18 months. Eventually I put in a complaint and it was dealt with in a reasonable manner. I was given the option to move but said no as I refused to be pushed out of my position by the bully. For various reasons, moving him was not possible. So we ended up still working together after the whole issue was dealt with. It was really hard work, tbh. The bullying affected me more deeply than I realized at the time and I had a lot of stuff to process. Both myself and the bully were on egg shells around each other and interaction was uncomfortable for over a year afterwards. It didn't make to easy days at work. In retrospect, it might have been better to have moved my position elsewhere, even though that would have let him "win".

Victims of bullying shouldn't have to move jobs. But they often must. Unfortunately, there's a very simple equation. The employer either cares - in which case they discipline (and control) the bully or sack them. Or they don't. Bullying is still a rather grey area in law. So employers are not often held to account for the behaviours they allow. Your employer has made their position clear. This behaviour is allowed. So either the person is a bully and allowed to be one, or they don't really agree that they are a bully - either way, you are best off out of there.

I wouldn't move. It's a less interesting job for you and you'd be moving money, why should you? Go back to your office and report anything the bully does that's out of order, and kick up an absolute shit storm if it's not dealt with properly.