Mentoring, confidentiality and gossiping

[Carpballs]

I’ve just been made aware, by people not even related to my job/department, that a manager I had been confiding in and getting mentoring advice from - whilst not under the official mentoring programme but certainly confidentially - has been discussing everything with other members of staff.

Effectively slating and judging decisions I have undertaken that were discussed confidentially to anyone who will listen ie in our meetings backing my reasoning then saying to other things along the lines of “I can’t believe carp fedback x/y/z it was so unfair to blah di blah” and “I can’t believe anyone would confide in carp, she must be making it up”

Do I have any recourse or do I chalk this up to experience given that it is potentially harmful to my reputation, breaches confidentiality and not least because I have evidence of people coming to me to speak about matters because they trust me with that information so it’s total and utter bullshit that this manager is spreading - someone I thought I could trust.

I was in a very similar situation to this last year, and it was very tricky to know what to do about it.

I realised that this person was a relentless gossip (I’d be inclined to say bitch actually) about everyone and that I’d been naive to trust and confide in them. In fact they often trot out the line “everyone here bitches about everyone”, which I now realise is pure projection.

I decided to chalk it up as an error / learning experience on my part, because ultimately this person has little to no influence on my career. There’s a brilliant bit in Tina Fey’s book “Bossypants”, where she discusses dealing with people like this at work. She suggests asking yourself “is this person in between me and where I want to get to?”. If the answer is no, move on and rise above it.

The problem of course is if the answer is yes. What do you reckon OP? Can you rise above it, carry on doing your work well and being a trustworthy person yourself, or is this manager causing real damage to your prospects?

This is probably shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted....

Mentoring is very often advocated in organisations nowadays - its upside (informal, relatively easy to seek instant support/feedback to resolve work situations) is also a downside (no contractual obligation between the two parties other than human trust and the mentor giving their word to keep their mouth shut).

I would always remain guarded about what is discussed in a mentoring meeting. The mentor isn't a doctor or solicitor, bound by an absolute caste iron code of confidentiality - they are a casual volunteer, invariably within the organisation, so highly influenced by internal politics - and as such there is no guarantee they won't speak out of turn, divulge information gained and not be wholly objective.

As you've found out Carp , "what's said in the room, stays in the room" can be taken with a massive pinch of salt. Unfortunately chalk it up to experience and remember that managers are just people with that role title on their lapel, it doesn't make them behave any better.