Good news and bad news

[mollipops]

I'm new to this area of mumsnet, and that's because up until tomorrow I have been a sahm for the last 3 and a half yrs or so.

The reason for my title is that, when I got the job (the DAY of the interview, despite having been told they weren't deciding until the week's end) it was good news I thought, and I was excited and proud of myself. It's a part-time role, just 14 hrs a week, which I thought was perfect. But since then it seems that everyone I tell construes the fact that this means ds (aged 3yrs 3m) will be going to childcare, as bad news. I have gone from feeling good about it (and it was not a decision made lightly), to feeling guilty and selfish and uncaring. I had felt it would do ds good to interact with some other children before starting kindy next year, and that he would enjoy some independence and so would I. Now I feel worried he won't be looked after, and that he will fret and his behaviour and sleep will suffer. I worry I won't cope with the routine, and getting dd off to school in the mornings as well as getting ds and myself ready. I haven't even started to worry about my own job and training etc!

It's not even that I haven't done this before, as dd went to a childcare centre for about a year (15 months to 26 months) and although I was part-time then too, I worked more hours than I will be this time. I had no qualms about leaving her, and there seemed to be less "pressure" then, unless I was just oblivious to it at the time.

I know that lots of you will relate to how I am feeling so I'm here to ask how you coped with it? I found it quite a shock, the reaction of some friends, family members and even those people I hardly know. I was hoping they might be a little more supportive! I know I can find support here even if nowhere else on this planet, so please be kind to me!

First Clucks, now you. What is this, International Kick a Working Mother Day?
I haven't had to cope with this exactly, Mollipops, as I had to get back in the saddle when ds was 4 months old, but I would have thought aged 3 plus was a great time to be exploring all that nursery can offer, especially for little boys, who sometimes need a little more help in socialising. In the UK, it is a rare child who by this time is not either in daycare for some or all of the week, or, happily attending a local playgroup for some mornings at least. I think any parent, whatever their circumstances, would see mixing with other children their age, without the constant presence of a parent, as an essential run-up to school.
I guess you have both been to visit his daycare, and given him plenty of settling in visits? and I bet he hasn't been complaining about this new feature in his life.
Do you think that some people are envious at how quickly you hopped back into the job market and secured such a nice-sounding part-time post? I am, and I'm 1000s of miles away!
Seriously, provided you as a family are happy with the daycare you have chosen, and are prepared for ds to show some changes in behaviour (because that is inevitable, but who says they'll all be bad?), then you should disregard such unhelpful remarks and concentrate on enjoying your new role. Because, if you are happy with it, then ds will settle quicker. Good luck!

Not only will it be good for ds to have more interaction with other children, but it will probably be good for you too - and that's nothing to feel selfish or guilty about! I've said this recently on another string, but I find that working makes me feel happier and more confident in myself and I'm sure that makes me a better mother.

As Marina said, assuming you are happy with the childcare you've chosen then this is definitely going to be a positive step for both you and ds. He'll probably love it and it will give him a chance to get used to being away from you for periods of time. It may take a little adjusting, but isn't it better to go through that adjustment now then next year when he's ready to start school?

I remember getting a few 'subtle' comments when I first went back to work, mostly from older family members - how could I go back to work so soon (dd was 5 months), how would I cope, wasn't it hard, didn't i miss dd, wasn't dd unhappy....etc,etc (yes it was hard, yes I missed dd, no dd was NOT unhappy and in the end, it's all been well worth it).

I put my own mind at rest by knowing that dd was in very good hands with the childminder and then basically just got on with it, ignoring the comments. A couple of months down the line, seeing how much dd liked the childminder and how we all managed to cope and everyone has pretty much shut up! :-)

Mollipops, take no notice of what family and friends say. When I first put ds into nursery and went back to work (3 days a week) my mother and aunt were openly critical of my choice, one because of using a nursery and one because I wasn't going to be a SAHM. A few years down the line both freely admit that they were wrong and that both my children have benefited from being at a good nursery and learning how to interact with other children, make friends etc. My ds is about to start school and I have very few worries about it because of his nursery experiences. At 3yrs 3 mths it will be great for your ds to spend some time with other children, and to gently learn to be apart from you before he has to start school.

Thank you everyone for your replies; feeling much better today. Monday we spent the morning there together, and he seemed to like it okay. Then ds had his first half day at childcare yesterday - and he was so fine! I dropped him off at around 9am and it was morning tea time, so he was more than happy to go off with the carer to get ready for that! I picked him up around 1pm and he was happily playing outside, spotted me and shouted "Mummy!" with a huge grin and ran up to give me a hug. I asked him if he'd had fun and he nodded and said "Me come back here 'gain?" YES!

I think part of my dilemma/stress was that I wasn't completely over the moon about the childcare centre ds would be attending, but as it turned out I had no other option, since all other centres had no vacancies (or I liked them much less and/or had heard negative reports about them). There were no family daycare spots nearby either (where a carer looks after children in her own home, which I think I might have preferred to centre-based care). The centre itself is fine, though a little small, and the staff seem friendly enough, the playground is very large and has fairly good equipment, and they have outside caterers who deliver hot lunches. It is even slightly less expensive than the other nearby one (which I was warned against). But it is also right beside the bus/train station and freeway, and I am concerned about the crime element and possible syringes in the playground (which they admitted have been a problem in the past). It is playing on my mind, but at least for now they will be playing outdoors with shoes on... Has anyone else had to deal with this side of things?

PS My first day was good too!!!

So glad it went OK Mollipops, for both of you.
Ds' excellent nursery is in premises forming part of a big primary school serving a council estate with a lot of social problems. The school does its best to give the children a good start, and the caretaker, John, is a superhero at keeping the grounds securely fenced and in good order. But you bring your car onto the estate at your own risk, there is a lot of graffiti and litter in the surroundings, you often have to squeeze by menacing gangs of youths on your way to the bus stop, and some of the residents adjacent to the school take delight in intimidating parents dropping off their children.
I keep telling myself that the nursery itself is a secure and happy environment, and that children and adults in urban areas have to find ways of coping with the varying situations and locations they will encounter individually and as a family. It does not come naturally to me, Mollipops, as I am a timid fusspot!

Perhaps I'm in a minority of one, but my child didn't cope with nursery, despite perservering for over a year from the age of 18 months. It was a very good nursery - he just didn't cope with three long days away from us, fretted each morning, and has been a much happier child since we took him away. He now has one day/wk with a one to one childminder and since baby no. 2 arrived, I am trying to work less.

IME it's much harder for the child if you start leaving them between 12-18m. Before that they don't care at all so long as the childcare is good. I left all my 3 f/t at nursery from 6m and will do the same with no.4

Sorry to disagree again, but before the nursery he had had a childminder from the age of 5 months,and cared very much about being left! It just doesn't suit all children, unfortunately.

I had the same experience as Angharad. DS went to nursery very happily at 4 months. We had more trouble moving him into the Toddler room at 13 months. He'd get excited when we got out of the car, rang the nursery bell and then cry when we turned into the Toddler Room at the end of the corridor. Didn't last long and now he disappears into the thick of things as soon as I put him down.

I guess every kid is different, DS was fine being left at nursery from 10-18 months, wailed from 18-31 months. Only clings a little now (33 months). He changed rooms at 25 months, so that wasn't the reason.