I'm thinking of quitting my dream job - advice?

[Peacefulmama]

Hi everyone,

I'm 33 years old, married, and I have 1 daughter. I have known I wanted to work in the mental health field since I was about 14. It shaped my GCSE options, my A-Levels, and my degree. I graduated at 20 years old, and immediately found work in mental health. Since then, I've been lucky enough to work in a variety of roles. I wanted to qualify as a counsellor - and I still do. Due to the costs, timings and durations of courses that lead to such a qualification, I've never got the final qual, despite having over 12 years experience of people talking to me for my job. (I'm halfway to a psychotherapy qualification, but again it was so expensive and far away that I stopped after the first year and didn't re-apply to study the final year of the course, so I don't have the qualification).

I had always wanted to work at this one large and reputable mental health charity near me. I had a 'work crush' on it for several years but the right vacancy there never came up. In September 2016 to my utter delight, I was accepted for a job at my dream employer. In October 2016, my mum died suddenly of lung disease.

I threw myself into work with people in a mental health crisis, taking on an extra day a week, I couldnt do enough for my clients.

Except it all started to fall apart. On the way to and from work, I played loud music while I either cried about my mum (my only alone time was in the car) or drove numbly. I comfort ate like nobody's business, and have gone from a happy 12-14 to a miserable size 18 since my mum died.

I have felt like I'm burning out at work for at least the past 3-4 months, and I've really hit a wall lately. My weight has shot up, I have PCOS and now have also got prediabetes... If I don't get a grip on my diet and fitness, then I might well go the same way as my mum, and will be very unhappy in the meantime. My home and my home life is suffering as my best energy goes on work. I feel that while I am exhausted, I can't be fully present for my husband and 4 year old daughter. And I can hear my late mum telling me to put my health first.

So, I am now debating - have seriously been debating this for 3 weeks now - whether to quit this job which is as close to my dream job as I have had since moving out of London and to a more rural location.

Financially we could easily afford for me to stay at home as my husband is a high earner. He pays most of the bills becaude my job pays very poorly, being a charity role. Hubby supports my career choice and he loves that I adore helping people, but he also used a candid conversation with me to say that yes of course he would prefer me to quit work, stay at home and look after myself better including physically and my hobbies, because this path would mean I would be happier, healthier, and more emotionally present when he got home from work in the evenings.

I am so torn between stay at work - where I am burnt out doing 3 days a week with a case load of over 32 clients to look after and a waiting list of another 20 - or resign and feel like a failure for quitting a perfectly good employer that I've wanted to work for for ages. Quitting to be a house wife feels like such a cliche. I have all the what ifs - will I be bored? Will I eventually return to work? Will it benefit my daughter having me at home? Etc etc.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Or even if not, I'd welcome your thoughts and advice, thanks.

Hi OP. Not the question you're asking, but what would you say if someone you were supporting, or someone important to you said this to you?

I'm so sorry to hear you are having an awful time.

Have you found the bereavement section on here? I have found it helpful in the past although I'm not a regular poster.

Would you consider taking a secondment /going to less hours or even getting signed off as sick while you take some time for yourself to get into a place where you can make a decision away from some of the pressures of your current situation? Is there someone at work so could confidentially advice you on your options? Maybe difficult as I know charities have no money

It sounds like your own mental health has taken a battering (mine did after the loss of my mother) and stepping back from any big decisions and taking time to breathe might be helpful.

I have been in a sort of similar position, but I had already decided my former-dream job was not something I could continue to do so I quit. It doesn't sound like you are there (yet?)

As a counsellor, the first thing I would say is that you have to look after yourself as a priority, and 3 days a week with 32 clients and a waiting list of 20 is just ridiculous and unsustainable. Do you receive any supervision with this role at all? Is there any way you can speak to your employer about reducing the caseload?

I have been in situations over the years where I have felt I'm burning out - in fact I have just dropped my one day a week counselling at a local hospital because although it was rewarding, I could feel myself starting to get stressed about the additional work.

Is there any way you can give up work and finish your counselling studies? Please don't feel like a failure - what you are doing is putting yourself first, and when you work in a mental health field it is crucial that you keep an eye on your own wellbeing - think of the oxygen on a plane analogy, you can't save others unless you save yourself first.

Hmm. Sounds like you need some time out to think/recuperate before making a final decision either way. Sounds like you might qualify for getting signed off with stress. Or could you take some unpaid leave?

Your qualifications and experience won't go away, someone with your experience will always be welcome back. If you've been working in mental health for that long, I think you already know the answer. Take a sabbatical, you could maybe use the extra time to do some part time courses towards your final exams. This will also keep your experience current.

You will easily fill the time, do some walking, spend some time with your daughter. Then when you've had chance to evaluate and recover and she's settled at school you'll know the right direction to go in. Since having kids my life has taken so many twists and turns, I have gone from bank manager (in the old days when it was proper banking), to music teacher. Don't see it as giving up and you are certainly not a failure, priorities change and your priority needs to be your health.

Can you take a career break?

First of all, I'm sorry about your mum. Well done you for keeping it together

Being a mental health charity, I'd like to hope they'd be understanding about your difficult situation. You sound like a good employee, going the extra mile etc. Could you request a week off (either as holiday or as compassionate leave)? Use that time to really have a good think about what you want. A break from work can do wonders, perhaps you'll come back and be glad you did. Perhaps you'll decide it's time you left. Either way, try to get some time to clear your head. It's hard to make big decisions when you're constantly stressing about stuff and can't get any peace or perspective.

Being burnt out is rubbish. Do you think it's a long term thing you need time to work on, or is it just a short term lull? If it's long term, I would probably resign if I were you. Your mental and physical health should come first and your husband seems lovely and supportive of that. Maybe you just need to go back to basics for a while and just slowly sort yourself out.

You could be bored as a housewife, but don't worry about that now. All you've got to do is look after yourself and your daughter. If you take a year out and find yourself climbing the walls then you can always start reapplying for jobs when you feel ready for it. Your old job may even take you back or you could volunteer there if you really enjoyed it.

I hope you find some clarity and feel better soon.

Would your employer allow an unpaid leave of absence? If you could request six months off, and use it to get yourself well again, you could then still have an avenue back to work if you want it, or by then you might decide that one day a week volunteering at a mental health charity might be best for you instead. Lots of employers do offer this option, and especially as they are mental health related themselves, they should be sympathetic.

I think if you abandon the job while you're already struggling with life in general you might regret it when you do start to feel better.

Perhaps it's time for a frank talk with your DH about how you are feeling? (When I got like this mine had no idea and looked like he'd been hit by a train when he realised).

I'm SAHMumming at the moment and I struggle with the relentlessness of it. I'm probably bored and resentful that the career I desperately wanted never happened for me. I'd hate to think of someone else feeling the same.

I've also just lost my Dad. I was on the waiting list for psychology for PND and now I need to see someone quite urgently. It's in hand.

Maybe it's time you had a bit of help from someone in your profession? Best of luck with it all.

I would talk to your charity and try to be relieved of some of your case load. Sounds like they are dumping on you.

You shouldn't have to make it into an all-or- nothing decision. Regain a work life balance and look after yourself, keep your dream job.

Had you thought about getting signed off for a couple of weeks? You sound at breaking point with stress, I'm sure your GP would agree. Also your caseload sounds ridiculous for 3 days. Could I suggest that maybe it's not your dream job if you're so overworked? I know lots of support organisations are overstretched in the current climate but this seems ridiculous.

Hello - I support my DH with depression, largely set off by grief following his DF's sudden. My first thought, like many others here, is that you need some time off. Properly off without responsibilities during the day, if you can. My DH was off for 4 months and was able to return to work and is much much more clear on what he needs from life/work. He has had his own counselling and we have had couple counselling too. During his time off, we kept on childcare for youngest DS. It feels to me that leaving your job and plunging into SAHP territory is dangerous if you haven't got yourself back to full health first. As far as possible I would delay any big decisions until you are better. You sound exhausted, emotionally at sea and in need of rest. Small things every day that cheer you. As it transpired for my DH, it became clear work was a huge stressor for him so we are working on getting his confidence up to apply for new jobs and he is doing things outside work he ones fun/interesting, as well as spending good times as a family and as a couple. It is hard hard work, there are no simple quick fixes but just take it one step at a time. I wish you and your family the best of luck

Have you spoken to your employer at all? Mine was supportive after my patent died, which really helped. I echo everyone else, too, abut taking time off. You don't need to abandon your career, you need a proper break to recover. If you think leaving after that is still for the best, then fair enough, but making that decision when you're feeling so swamped by everything - you can't see the wood for the trees.