Things you can’t say at work

[lizzieoak]

I’m between jobs right now and my confidence is rock bottom due to being bullied at 3 out of 4 last jobs. I’m wondering if there are topics that might set people off? Probably not, but worth a try?

I had an interview right before Christmas and when the nice lady supervisor was walking me out she asked me if I lived far away. I live in quite a nice, middle class area, that for reasons beyond my ken, half the city seems to loathe the denizens of (possibly because we use words like denizens ). I am now wise to that particular trap (as I’ve experienced people getting quite shirty about it - management and colleagues alike do not like someone from the lower work echelons living where I live), so I said airily and deliberately vaguely “oh, near the hospital”. We have a number of hospitals and I don’t live closer than 3 k from any of them.

Another place being the only single woman (with no male staff) seemed to bother the other staff and director (they brought it up), another place it was dressing up a bit for work (jeans and t shirts at home, but I like to wear heels and a dress or skirt to work).

I am polite, show care when people are ill (dole out pain killers and sympathy etc), keep my head down, but it keeps happening. I suppose I am reserved and not great at office pizza lunch type things, but one on one I like people.

I’d really like to avoid this happening again - but it seems sadly inevitable. I’m wondering if I expect it maybe it won’t feel so bad? Lower my expectations?

I think you are assuming people are being judgemental when they aren't. The lady who asked where you live wasn't looking for an excuse to judge or criticise she was just making smalltalk and showing an interest. This isn't surprising given your experience of being bullied but try to keep in mind the possibility that your new colleagues are nice people. If the area thing bothers you then name a nearby area - we live on the borders between a naice area and a crap area and I will name one or the other according to the audience.

One way to deal with feeling awkward in conversation is to try to ask questions that focuses the topic on the other person's life and opinions. Then you can occasionally interject 'oh me too' etc and draw parallels to highlight your similarities.

Spend a bit of time just observing. Dress in the way the work culture expects, learn who likes who, listen to what people talk about. Do this before jumping in with your own views so you already know the likely response from individuals. Ask lots of questions and make the others feel like they are helping you. Don’t go in full of comparisons to other workplaces or pick on the problems or have know it all attitudes. There will be time enough to give your opinion once settled. These seem to be things people do from day one that mean they don’t settle so fast at workplaces I’ve been at. Once you observe you will get an idea which people you’re likely to get on with and can start getting to know them better.

Engage sincerely, keep your comments high level and ask equally innocuous questions back in appropriate places (not in interviews, but outside the i/view room) so that people regard you as a warm and easy person to get along with.

Outside having the right skills, being "a good colleague to have around the place" is top of the list of recruitment priorities.

A sincere smile (but not giggly iykwim - this can be a common problem when nerves take over!) and a steady gaze but not fixed stare are also helpful indicators of a well rounded social individual. Not to say everyone can be like this, we're all different, but rehearsing this for the workplace can get the foot in the door!

Good luck.

Either you have had massive shit luck or 3/4 places isn't a coincidence. Are they all of the same industry ?

You seem very paranoid which may be rightly so if you have a bad time at other
Places.

It will be hard given your previous experiences but I'd suggest rethinking the deliberately vague approach to answering questions and instead thinking about ways to answer openly and unapologetically that you are comfortable with. Otherwise you could seem standoffish, cagey or misleading to genuinely decent colleagues just attempting to make social talk and come across as potentially hard work.

Absolutely do not expect to be bullied - expect to be treated with normal respect, and practice ways of conveying positive expectations about jobs in your interviews. One of the key things that I look for when I interview people are candidates who really want to work with us rather than get any old job. From the perspective of employers/colleagues, it really isn't fair for a new person to come in expecting us to treat them poorly and I would be worried that that expectation would get people's backs up and set things off on a negative footing - decent people should never resort to bullying but it would stop you integrating with the group. Hard as it is, you have to act as if you expect people to be ok until you genuinely feel it.

Good luck

Thanks so much for the advice so far :) Some really great ideas, and things to think over.

The lady who asked where I lived was just being nice - I just see that sort of thing now as full of potential to start up bullying.

My exh is a bully so I think that when I went back to work after my divorce I was a bit vulnerable and the first bully noted that. I was four years there (looking for another job after the second year when the bully was hired and it went to shit), and then took on contract jobs.

I don’t think it’s bad luck per se. I think it’s that with the bullying from the ex and the first job I was in after being a SAHM I was likely a bit nervous and that gets on supervisors’ nerves. So I start off fine and then in time they are having a bad day and turn to the one with less confidence to pick on. My last supervisor was so difficult I had to speak to my union rep and he said she does this every year, and that’s why they have such high turnover. I did finally summon up my nerve with her, though, and told her that I was tuning her out when all I got was criticism. That if she could mention a good point now and then I’d be motivated and take the criticism more seriously. Which, to my amazement, worked!

I never had these problems at school! Offices are a snake pit.

The lady who asked where I lived was just being nice - I just see that sort of thing now as full of potential to start up bullying

You need to find a way of not associating past bad experiences to every new company otherwise you will struggle to meet your full potential. Remember you are there to work and use your skills not have to tiptoe round every question worried in case it's a potential for bullying.

Could you use the next few weeks to build up confidence with some assertiveness training.?

I’ve kind of given up on my full potential to be honest. I had a job that I loved and had to leave because the hours weren’t enough. It stretched me, I felt really proud of doing it, it’s way too niche to find anything like it outside of the one employer (who will never have enough hours). And since then it’s been downhill.

I’m just so fed up that I just want to scrape by paying the bills and so long as it’s low stress and no lady-monsters to give me a hard time I’ve given up caring what it is. I’ve gone from fairly skilled white collar to thinking I should do cleaning again (did this years ago) as at least I’d be my own boss without the aggressiveness of an office.

I wouldn't dare judge from afar and without ever having met you in person - but speaking as someone who coaches others as part of their job: your posts come across as slightly defensive and as though you almost expect others to pick on you. Is it at all possible that this ends up being a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Otherwise: good advice on this thread re. dress style, conversation, etc.

I hope you don’t mind I’m having a bit of a chuckle at your username.

I do expect people to be awful, of course I do! After a bully of a husband I got divorced, went back to work, and it was like they could smell it on me, like he’d marked me as a good target.

I guess I’m just out of optimism. First time I thought “that was just her”, second time “jees, I’m having bad luck”, third time “wtf?”. After the 4th time it seems sensible to expect it as then I won’t be unpleasantly surprised.

But I shall try to match colleagues in terms of clothes, conversation, fudging where I live etc.

Two jobs ago I had amazing colleagues but one of the supervisors had a reputation for scapegoating one person at a time. It was my turn and that job became untenable.

I’m 10-12 years from retirement and I’d like to find something I could do well and relax into. Not worry about being bullied. Not worry about money when I’m between jobs. That would be nice!

You absolutely get to have a chuckle at my username! I do, too! It's chauvinist for 'female manager with degrees trying to convince me that we can't do IT like it's 1985 anymore!'

And, yes, I get that you'd start making assumptions after a few bad experiences. We all do. In case it helps: I've found that 'fake it till you make it' works rather well in a lot of situations.

I find bullying in the workplace is sadly too common. I was bullied at my last workplace and although not in my current one, i'm witnessing people being bullied out of their jobs due to the company restructuring. It's a bit 'dog eat dog' and cut-throat in my workplace. I'm not very assertive so the plum jobs that get oneself noticed are being given to others who arse-lick so I think my time is probably numbered as well

It saddens me a great deal because this is people's lives the bullies are playing with. I just want to come to work, do what i'm paid for without all this shit

Yes, baking, that’s it exactly (& I bake a lot too). I’m a bit introverted (though enjoy a good chat) & am a gentle person who dreads upsetting people. This seems to feel like a green light to some people (all women so far) to bully and demean others.

I just want to do my job well and go home. I don’t want to have to self-promote all day (way out of my comfort zone), rat out other staff, or be a target for other people’s personality disorders.

I feel it’s so unproductive, workplace bullying. People underperform and quit when bullied. How is that useful?

My honest advice to you, as your confidence is a bit low, would be to try to blend in a bit more in the workplace. You don't have to sacrifice your entire individuality, but try to 'go along' with a few things for now and perhaps someone will take you under their wing?

I have quite a high level of confidence in the workplace so am happy to stand out a bit, but if you are feeling fragile then it is possibly better to run with the herd.