Am I being bullied?

[Starlive22]

I can't BELIEVE I'm going to write this, at 33 years of age, but I think I'm being bullied by a co-worker...
I've worked at my current employment (solicitors practice can you believe!) for 2 years, I work in a room with 2 other women, both senior to me and both have been there 15+years.
It all started when I got pregnant earlier this year, one of my coworkers has changed towards me completely. Unfortunately my pregnancy hasn't been as straightforward as I'd have liked so I've had to have a bit of time off sick (unpaid) and it's stemmed from there really.
It's hard to pin her down to one behaviour as she's quite nice when others are around but basically telling me not to be babyish when I've asked about pregnancy related aches and pains, eye rolling, bringing up morbid topics such as preterm labour and stillbirth. Leaving me out of secret Santa, Xmas meals etc. They have gradually gone out of their way to push me out, and when I've brought it up to both them and my boss I've been told I'm hormonal, and that's the end of it.

I don't want to start maternity early but feel it's my only choice. DH says this is her essentially taking money from our baby but as I intend to find a new job after the baby is born I don't mind.

Anyone else has this? It's literally since I've been pregnant, before that although I found her difficult I never had any actual problems with her.

I know I need to grow a pair... but how?

I don't mean to sound silly, or babyish. I just want to get out of there and not have to have her asking me stupid questions like if the baby will be born with a turban or it I will put curry in it's bottle again with her good natured 'banter'

That is absolutely appalling!! I'm sorry, I know it must be hard for you to stick it out and be in the same space as her, but she really needs to have some consequences for that, which is racist bullying.

She was off Work for a fortnight when her German shepherd had to get put down If the comments don't stop from her I'm afraid I would be finding ways to give something back on this subject. I didn't have that long off work when my DF died.

I'd have your phone down on your desk with the recorder button activated when you know she/they are about to start up.

Isabelle I know it sounds nuts, and I'm not defending the woman, but I don't actually think she realises that those comments could be upsetting, I think that's her attempt at lightening the mood! The eye rolling and leaving me out of stuff, that's all deliberate, same as the horrid subjects we've suddenly had introduced to our room such as her being an expert on stillborn babies and death during labour. All that stuff is to upset me. I see her smirk when she thinks she l's getting to me.

Unbelievably though I think she'd be shocked if I told her her comments were racist. They have an Indian friend apparently so that means they can't be racist 'in a nasty way'

She's a nob! Ha!

*But then again she calls my husband Peter Poppodom as he's Asian
*
I was going to agree with hundredmilesanhour's post about arranging a meeting to wipe the slate clean and start afresh but after reading that, I'm absolutely appalled!

That's totally outrageous behaviour and I would be ringing Acas for further advice.

Not only is this outrageous behaviour on her part but it is also foolish in the extreme.

Surely you have very strong grounds for taking a case against the company? They would be on a hiding to nothing.

Tbh I know how expensive and time consuming employment tribunals can be, I just want to get out of there, forget about them and enjoy our much longed for baby.

Just need some advice re on how to grow a massive pair and front it out, I know I want to do that, but the reality of putting myself through all that stress seems daunting.

It's one of those things I know I'll feel differently about later, like after I'll wish I'd stuck it out but while it's happening it's like every day is a battlefield and I'm not exactly up for the fight

WTF! [Peter Popperdom...baby born wearing a turban]...in my opinion you are massively under reacting to this based on these comments alone. Have you given these examples to HR as inappropriate comments?
And this is a legal firm/solicitors?

peter Popperdom...baby born wearing a truban...sorry bold fail...
I’m raging on your behalf.
I would be constructing an email saying something along the lines of ...the environment is hostile made worse by comments which ‘could’ (ARE) be interpreted as racist. Banter which has racial connotations is not acceptable! I would send the email to the senior partners, HR and ask then to circulate it to remind employees of acceptable behaviour!

I'm seething on your behalf OP. I do understand the thought of taking things further may seem daunting but I'd still ring ACAS for advice. She surely needs a formal grievance raising for repeatedly making shocking racial comments about your husband and child. And document everything in a diary.

If you still don't want legal advice, I'd post this on chat or even AIBU which gets most traffic, as otherwise it will get lost on here.

Sorry to ‘bomb’ you with comments but I’m raging.
If you know you are not going back after baby and you want to protect a reference and complete your last six weeks/earn for your last six weeks I would be sending the email as I mentioned above and suggesting that if they cannot provide a safe and non-hostile working environment then they need to:
1/Let you work from home
2/ Pay you to stay at home
3/ make the colleague work from home...or somewhere else...maybe her husbands office!
Wish I could be there to defend/back you up!

Thanks Formerlyknownas99 really appreciate your comments! Have had loads of really really supportive replies here, has given me a bit of much needed confidence!

Tbh the racist thing has always been there a bit, I've just learned she's one of those people. Funny thing is, in normal life I'd tell her where to stick her opinions but Work life isn't real life!

I'll see how well I can stick it out. I'm starting to feel angry about it...which is better than just completely helpless which is how I felt yesterday. The power of Mumsnet!!!

What Formally said ^^
What a horrid and toxic person.
I would list all examples of racism, unkind and innapropriate conversation topics (still birth etc) and bullying behaviour in the email as.
"In the last ....weeks I have been, on a daily basis, subjected to the following..

"I have tried to address this by...(list what you have said/done, how you have behaved)
But that this has had no impact on her behaviour.

You now wish to make a formal grievance against her (and the company, if you want to provide evidence of how thay have dismissed your concerns so far).

I would cc in the bosses boss and absolute head of hr is there is one.

Also mention that you have contacted acas and set out your conditions for working you would find acceptable

Foodylicious all absolutely great advice, I just don't know if I've got the fight in me to go through it, it will make the working environment worse. I've already decided I won't be going back to work for that firm after maternity (not that I'm telling them that yet) but I just want to get through the days and weeks ahead without any more drama, but the whole 'bipolar' debate of last week makes me think she's not going to make it easy for me.

God only knows how she would treat someone who did have genuine problems with mental illness. She told me she was in two minds whether to ring social services because I was going to be such an overbearing mother, the baby hasn't been born yet She's so interfering it's untrue. Then when I mention the baby in a passing comment it's all eye rolls and 'Ugh not that again'....makes me feel pretty stupid x

Oh and don't get me started on how worried she is about the baby because I'm too FAT!!!! 'Are you sure there is only one? Your awfully big...' Just what you wanna hear!!

That's a fairly big drip feed about the racism OP and changes things significantly. I wouldn't tolerate it for a minute. Why have you put up with racist comments? Raise a grievance asap (Monday!) and get moving down the formal route. If you approach this by the book, you could quite probably get them to agree to pay you off so you get to leave early plus you get a nice lump sum to keep you going.

I appreciate that you feel like you can't be bothered but.....think about the people who come after you who may suffer the same treatment. Racist comments like these need to be nipped in the bud immediately. And from what you've written, raising a formal grievance will hardly make the atmosphere at work worse. And if it does, it strengthens your case so it's win-win for you.

Complain, complain, complain. She sounds terrible. Nobody should have to put up with bullying in the workplace.

She's been racist ever since I started, it's more that her actual attitude has changed so much towards me, that's what bothers me. I know racism is awful and I probably should have said something earlier but I just wanted an easy life so I didn't. The atmosphere although awkward (for me) wasn't actually this awful toxic environment where you could cut it with a knife. I'd always planned to leave this particular firm after I'd finished my training, just didn't expect to have to leave it this way with her being so shitty about the pregnancy.

HundredMilesAnHour it's not really the racism thing, I understand it seems like a drip feed but it's hard to condense everything into a few lines of text. The comments a it DH have always been there, it's just all this new stuff, excluding me from the Xmas meal and the secret Santa. Last year the three of us put our money together and bought my boss a Xmas present, this year just her and the other lady...it's that stuff on top of everything that hurts.

I get that maybe they are under pressure at work, but she gets privileges we don't get as she is married to the boss, such as car parking etc. And yeah, maybe I went on about the baby, in fact as you pointed it out, I probably got way too excited and over shared that, I can see that it could be annoying. But annoying is one thing and making someone feel unwelcome is another. I've worked with people who drove me mad....I've NEVER treated them like that, I just wouldn't.

So what is it you want OP? You said in your first post that you know you "need to grow a pair but how?"

The "how" is standing up to this behaviour by raising a formal written grievance. And hitting them with everything they have done. None of this "it's not really the racism" attitude. If you decide to go down this route (and personally I think you should), you play to win. Given the racism alone (and this is the key issue you should be emphasising), you have a good case for them settling with you so you may get to leave early AND you get some money. And you behave like a professional (unlike the woman).

But, it seems like really you want this all to just go away without you having to do anything. You just want an easy life (I will admit to being horrified that you accept the blatant racism and don't seem to see this as an issue - I would have been screaming blue murder from day one, but we're all different I guess). An easy life isn't going to happen, you know that don't you? Their behaviour won't change over your last 6 weeks unless YOU take some action.

So you have choices:

1. Leave now (and accept that you're pretty much running away - and will be financially worse off)
2. Stick it out and be unhappy but put up with their crap for 6 weeks (not a long time really - and at least you get paid) and never go back
3. Stick it out and raise a grievance and leave after 6 weeks (or earlier if you agree a pay-off - and reference - with them)

It's your call.

Personally I'd be typing up my grievance up right now rather than posting on MN but we are obviously very different people.

HundredMilesAnHour just wanted to use this as a bit of a sounding board and to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable. And to rant. And for a bit of support. You didn't make me feel better, but everyone else did. Still, you did make a few good points and I respect your opinion.

For the most part I got a lot of empathy and a lot of 'me too' and I feel much better. I got what I wanted really.

Anyway, gonna leave this here thanks to everyone for giving me a lot of good advice and it's a bloody shame so many others have been through similar.

Starlive there is absolutely no justification for you to be treated as you have described.

The official term under the Equality Act (2010) for unwanted verbal aggression based on protected characteristics such as pregnancy and race, as you've been specifically targeted, is harassment .

If you raise a Grievance and cite harrassment with the specific examples you've given on this thread, highlighting the emotional impact on you, how it has made you feel - I believe they will take you seriously especially as they are solicitors.

They have no excuse whatsoever to be so unprofessional and exclude you purposefully, even if you did talk about pregnancy. You could say if they wanted to address their concern, then they could have had a quiet work with you and asked you to desist, not harrass you instead, you find that unacceptable behaviour. Keep it factual and professional throughout.

Good luck.

HundredMilesAnHour when someone is being targeted (either bullied or harassed) in the workplace, do you really feel it's as simple as screaming blue murder from Day 1? If so the Tribunal courtrooms wouldn't be full of claims and the workplace would be harmonious, as if!

Normally, such as this case, it involves an abuse of power and authority, with the weaker person feeling one inch tall and too scared to breathe a word for fear of losing their job.

Daisy yes one inch tall is exactly how I feel. The whole thing has left me humiliated with no confidence.

One of my worries is that as they have already stated to my boss that I'm hormonal, I have a mental illness (which of course is unjustified but still, it's in my boss' mind now) and that I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown is that they are taking away any credibility I had with my boss. He's even started to talk down to me like a child himself for fear of setting me off on one of my 'episodes' (co workers words not mine)

As far as I know I've had two 'episodes' one where I had a bleed early in pregnancy and I left to go to the hospital and the other was when the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat and I admit I got a bit tearful.

But it's the way they describe me to others... like ssshhh don't upset crazy Cassie she's losing it.

It feels like a no win! One thing I will say, she's damn manipulative! She wants it to be her and her sister working there and for me to leave at the earliest opportunity.

I would spend some time documenting all the detail on this thread, it is serious stuff. Talk of you being hormonal, treating you like a child, infantalising you and accusing you of having 'episodes' when they are not medically qualified.

You need to think about where you want this to go, as I think you'd need to think carefully about the timing of all this with your pregnancy and whether you feel you want to take it down the .tribunal route, or whether you need to just survive the next 6 weeks then leave and never return.

I'm not in a position to influence you either way, because these are crucial decisions at a time when you have your family to consider. What I did want to do is highlight to you how badly you've been treated and that you have no need to feel bad about it, because they could have handled the situation a lot more professionally and they've failed miserably.

Oh, starlive - that sounds awful

Daisychain thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. I totally agree and if it was someone else in this situation I'd be telling them to get down to acas as soon as. Sadly, it's a small firm and it's very old school. Had the same partners running the place for years and is well overdue a shake up, but at the moment stuck in the dark ages. It's not somewhere I want to continue with, I just want to get through the next few weeks with the tiny bit of dignity I've still got and then leave and never look back!!

Guess I will see how it goes tomorrow, I'm dreading it!