1.5 days nursery and long hours at work - Am I letting my DD down?

[PavlovtheCat]

I feel low this evening.
I put in application to do 36 hours at work 3 x 12 hour shifts including some work from home. I been told today it is unlikely that I wont be able to work from home due to nature of the work I do, and because my employers would have to demonstrate that I am being instructed to work from home as part of my job requirements, and that if I am instructed to work from home there are lots of complicated legal and practical requirements which mean they are likely to say no. As I not likely to be 'required' to work from home as part of my role, they will say no.

It means, that I have to drop hours, which I cant really afford. It also means I am going to have to work 3.5 days. DD will be with DP first two days, from 8am - 7pm and at nursery 3rd day from 8am-6pm and 4th day from 8am - 1pm.

I just wanted to stay at home a bit more. I have debts from a while ago which are not sorted, and feel stupid and responsible for being in this position as if I had not got into debt as a student, I would be able to do 3 normal days . We have a 5 year plan to sort out debts, and its working fine, but, we found out I was expecting 2 weeks after the plan kicked in! So, I will be in a position to drop hours when DD goes to school! [hmm} - Dp says in time for the second baby!

I do want to work, but I really wanted to be able to have DD only in nursry 1 day a week, which I think is actually good for her.

I just feel like I am letting her down, like she will resent me for not being there, that she will not want to be with me as much as DP or nursery. I dont want her not to know me.

Am I just being daft? Is this the normal 'wobbles' people talk about when mums first go back to work? Will it get easier?

Will my baby girl be ok? Can I still be a good mum? Oh I feel really quite tearful. DP is not much use, says, dont get stressed about things I cant change. I know he is right...

BTW, I have been at work for 3 days so far, two last week, and today

When I went back to work I actually started doing 2 full days - it was tiring for me and I think for ds, he was always bloody miserable when I went to pick him up from nursery (he loves his sleep). I moved jobs and now work 3dys a week but do similar hours and ds loves nursery now - he gets really excited about being there and I certainly don't feel like I am letting him down.

Would it be possible for you to shorten your long days and lengthen your short day? Prob more for you than your dd, if you are like me you will be knackered and could really start to resent work.

You will be a good mum whatever you decide to do - some of us have to work, some of us don't want to - it sucks!

Yes can stil be a good mum , think of quality time not quantity, you are also doing this to give your dd a better life in teh long term, plan your time wisely to ensure you have time with dd on your own to do something fun or lovely, keep this time special and ensure nothing stops you having it sometimes you need to be flexible as to when you have this time but make sure it happens

Pavlov

Of course your DD won;t resent you! She's not going to be in nursery for nearly as long as many children are, and you will still have 3.5 days of the week to spend great quality time with her (that's half the week!).

I think veryone feels like this when they return to work and leave their children for the first time in daycare.

It will get easier. I was in tears / stressing with DH permanently for the first few weeks of going back to work (and I chose to return p/t, didn;t absolutely have to).

As for not knowing you - this won't be an issue at all. Sometimes I envy my dh and ds's relationship because they seem so close even though dh only gets to see ds for about an hour a day mon-fri (he sees him at the weekend)

Hi there. I think you are feeling very normal but that this sounds like a lovely plan for your dd. She will have lots of days with you and dp and also some fun/messy/social time at nursery. And (I hvae just checked your profile!) I see she is 9mths old so I am sure she is too young to feel resentful about anything - she will just come to bond with the people at the nursery as well.

I work 4 days and I have to go abroad fairly regularly and I don't feel at all that my sons don't know me or that I don't know them so I am sure you will feel the same once you get used to it.

It does get easier, and you will be a good mother.

Hi Pav

Don't be - your DD will be absolutely fine.

I know the settling in sessions went well so don't stress about it.

DS loves it at nursery and is getting so much out of it so I am sure your DD will do too.

I am in the same situation - I also have to work due to loads of old debts and it is crap.

no solutions for you really - just hope you get your head round it and feel better about the whole situation.

Plus, at least your DP can look after her 2 of the days which is saving money isn't it?

Wanted to echo what another poster said - DH has been away Mon-Fri for the last 6 weeks so only seen DS at weekends - and he gets huge smiles and giggles on a Friday evening and certainly DS doesn't ignore him, or not know him.

In fact Dh gets far more smiles and giggles than I do - and also DS will look at DH when you say where's daddy, but not at me when you say wheres mummy - so it certainly hasn't affected their relationship at all.

Yeah why is that Ceebee?

You'll be okay, your DD will be okay. I work three days a week, and DD is in nursery for all of those, about 8.15 till 5.15. I've had my fears that she prefers her daddy ... in my lowest moments I've decided that she somehow knows she is 'entitled' to lots of mummy and very little daddy, and because she gets less than lots of mummy and more than very little daddy (he works full-time but is v hands-on with her) and therefore resents me. But I have had that many reassurances from friends who are SAHMs that their kids are the same with mummy vs daddy that I don't think about it any more. And then recently she had chicken pox and was off nursery, and I was too sick to look after her, so her daddy took her to the local bird & deer park ... she spent the whole time asking for me. It made me a bit sad (she was supposed to have quality time with beloved daddy but missed me and got attacked by a pheasant instead!) but was also oddly reassuring.

Thanks everyone. I guess, deep down I know it will be ok.

I had thought 1 day at nursery not only ok, but good for her in the long run, I just thought she was a bit young for more than that.

I hope it gets easier, as I do enjoy my job.

Its good to know others feel good about working. Like I said, I do want to work, just would like to have had a better balance.

Floating - I think yes, your right, DD is lucky, DP so wants to be involved, even though he struggled a little today, spent all day, feeding, trying to wash face, stopping her from terrorising the cats!

I was told I would feel like this, I just, well I am usually so in control of everything, I just cant do anything about this and I was not actually expecting it. I had told myself it was normal, fine for DD and for us as a family, and would make us strong, but I just feel so, well, crap about it
ceebie - how you coping without DH around .

Molly - how old are your DS's? If you dont mind me asking? How old when you started working? What things did you do with them to keep the time quality time? Did you just let the washing up and hoovering go out of the window? I am at that stage after such a short time!

I know our situation is better than lots, I think I want perfection, to have the perfect situation for LO, and well life is not like that, so I suppose its just a refelction of how life is, you deal with what you have and make it work well?
I just feel so tearful !!

Mine are 3.9 and 1.9. With each of them I went back when they were about 6mths (contractual reasons - tbh I would have liked a bit longer but that's life). They are both lovely, can I just add that? Dh works 4 days too and he had them today. It was last day of ds1's "school holidays" (he goes to pre-school in the mornings) so dh brought them to see me for lunch. Can your dh do that on any of "his" days with dd?

Anyway, I digress because I am trying to avoid the question about housework, which, yes, does go out the window. I should be washing up right now in fact.

Actually I now manage to get stuff like the washing done (kind of) when they are busy (I take my chances when they get involved with a train or something). It was quite hard when they were littler to do anything much other than basic making of their lunch/doing nappies etc when they were awake. But then I am soft and always say yes to requests for books to be read etc.

Molly - thank you, its very reasuring to know that others are able to do work and family well. I know its a hot topic often so i did not want to spark a row about it! I am not questioning people's choices, just feeling emotional about my own choices, and its good to hear positive stories from others to re-inforce that I am making decisions that wont damage my DD and in fact will be good for her in the long term.

DP does bring her to see me, as I am still BF and she wont take a bottle (v independent) so need to feed her in the day atm. Work give me 1 hour per day to feed, which when DP is looking after DD is fine as he drives in, a bit more of a hassle when in nursery as its further away from work, but do-able with lunch times etc, and means I get to see her during the day, for now at least.

I posted this in my antenatal thread but thought it sounded more positive, I have been sat here, thinking about it all evening, and think I have, with the help of my MN support network, found a more positive space. For now.

For the next few weeks, probably longer, I will have a lot of 'theory' to plow through, so whilst not part of contract, I can probably sneak of early some days to read at home with managers auth. However, obviously cant add these to paid weekly hours in the first place.

In the longer term, within next year, I will have stopped BF (although that is not positive itself), and means I can run two evening programmes, which is usually hard to get tutors for, I may be able to do these as 'extra' sessions rather than part of my normal hours, and thus increase hours, and get unsociable hours pay too.
Also, got lots of training coming up, which means I am given travel time, so 5 days at 12 hours per day x 2 weeks means lots of flexi to claw back, plus 6 weeks leave, bank holidays, Its not all bad, just cant do the full time hours in the first place.
I am finding some bright sides!

Sounds like you are doing a great job - very few people manage to BF for as long as you have for a start! I BF'd mine morning and evening for a few months after going back (until my period reappeared which was a clue that the baby wasn't actually drinking much!).

Anyway, I think you are bound to feel a bit emotional for a while. I hope you settle into a nice routine.

By the way, I would hate you to think I do anything "well". I aim for "okay" and sometimes manage that . Being a "Good Enough Mother" is my ambition!

Molly - OMG does periods mean not much milk? I have had two in last 6 weeks .
Boobs still get full and she seems to drink a lot, however, she usually has morning feed and did not this morning as fell asleep in carseat and unusually took 3oz of bottle which DP thought he would try, when I fed her at lunch time, she was not bothered about BF, although drank when I offered.
Is it habit, or is she still getting lots of milk?

sorry all, I deviated from the topic

Oooh gosh, now I am stressed that I have worried you! I am not an expert on BF. I may be completely wrong about that. There may be something about how many times a day you BF that stops periods returning. But if you feel "full up" presumably your dd must be drinking whatever is there. I think even a low volume of breast milk is good though isn't it?

LOL dont be stressed Molly, I am not too worried, just knew periods had something to do with BF level but not sure how. I offer her BF whenever she wants it, so guess she gets something too! And, she often has a little dribble when she pulls away to grin at me! I have cut down no. of feeds so that is probably what it is!

I am off to bed, and feel a lot more positive now, thanks everyone for your advice and experiences. I think, as the general consensus seems to suggest, that I will just enjoy the time I have, which is a good amount, make it productive and be pleased that her daddy is involved in her life too.

Night night all, good sleep vibes being sent.

Pavlov - your DD will be fine. She's going to be with your DH after all.

This is very similar to my situation, except I work 5 days a week, 1 of which is now from home (after much persuasion on my part). DS goes to nursery 1 day a week, which like you I think is good for him.

It works out as DH 2 days, nursery 1 day, me working from home 1 day, DH 1 day, weekend.

I do a 37 hour week, but it's usually more like 40ish. But I can honestly say that now I've adjusted and have more energy, DS and I have a great time when we are together. I do the majority of baby care in the evenings and at the weekend, and on my day working from home.

It works for us - that's not to say I haven't had my doubts though. I think that's only natural.