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Original poster

Stress leave from work

50 replies

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 05:52

I am a teacher who has been on stress leave since June following a car accident. My headteacher and other members of SLT were targeted bullying certain members of staff. She said very hurtful personal unprofessional things to me during my recovery from the accident. There were a lot of resignations as a result. I was advised by the union to take a grievance out against the school and currently awaiting results. I am now in the process of finding a way out of my contract. Unfortunately my partner who is also a work colleague is now the latest targeted person and is now about to take stress leave too. I want to be supportive but on the other hand am I being unreasonable to want to be home alone during the day. I am not emotionally strong enough to support my own feelings at the moment. I had a stressful summer with DS almost going off the rails, and thankfully he has gone to uni in Glasgow and the latest phone calls from him have been positive and he seems to have found his manners again. It was music to my ears when he told me yesterday that he was off to do some Scottish dancing caelidh ! Going back to my current situation does anyone think my partner going on stress leave too will hinder my chance of getting a reasonable reference and leaving my contract. My union rep is brilliant at her job and is trying her best, but I'm still really stressed as I cannot afford to go into half pay if they don't sort it out in time.
Help ! Any advice would be great !

OP posts:

Poshindevon · 14/09/2017 06:19

You and your partner live together but you dont want him in the house while your suffering from stress. Where is your partner supposed to go?
How selfish you sound.
Has it ever occured to you in stressed little selfish bubble. That with so many resignations , you and your partner both off with stress and complaints against the school, that the school may release both of you from your contracts as a damage limitation exercise.

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 07:20

I'm sorry I didn't mean to come across as selfish and heartless. I'm far from it and I always go out my way to help everyone and put their needs first. This is the first time in my life I have stopped work apart from when my 4th child was born. I was a single parent for years and have never really experienced being alone. I can see how it does come across selfish, it's just difficult reliving it again and again. I will support my partner in decisions he makes as I love him dearly. I'm off to run a bath for him to have a relaxing soak! I actually am glad that he is trying to get out of a bad situation. I'm hoping that we can both get out of our contracts. The bullying has to stop and I hope this latest action will make someone see sense and take action against the head.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 07:55

I also wanted to add that we have as a family been through a lot as my soldier DD beat the horrible big C, we are all recovering from that too, so when I'm talking about being alone in the house it's not a selfish aspect and I'm definitely not living in a selfish bubble. Like I said I always put my family first and I love them more than anything . Sorry for the extra message, just feel that a bigger picture needs to be told.

OP posts:

Fucky · 14/09/2017 08:01

What would be the ideal outcome then? Have you told him you don't want him around during the day?

Finch82 · 14/09/2017 08:40

Fluffy this is awful. It's sounds like you e had a lot to deal with, a really scary accident and now your school are being horrid!

I'm assuming you have your GP involved in this. Are you happy with the diagnosis you have been given? Are you happy with the support you are getting? If not you need to go back and demand more or find a new GP.

Why do you want to be alone in the house at the moment? Is it because you know that if your partner was there, you'd put your own needs aside to meet his? That's rescuer behaviour and it won't do any of you any good. Have you thought about asking your GP for talking therapy? I had this once and it was really amazing. I had a 2 month wait for it to start, but even just that feeling of knowing something was going to happen made me feel better. Those appointments with the counsellor were just for me.

I really hope the grievance goes in your favour. I too work in a toxic school. There seems to be a culture of inhumanity amongst many SLTs these days. It's very worrying. It's also no way to run a school and it sounds like your school at least are starting to pay the price. I'm just sorry you and your DP got caught in the cross fire. Best of luck moving forward.

@Poshindevon the OP is clearly in crisis. Perhaps a bit more compassion is in order rather than accusations of selfishness. She's now had to spend two further posts justifying herself to you. Not cool.

Jellybean85 · 14/09/2017 08:48

But I think it is selfish really. It sounds like you've both had a horrendous time and I feel really awful for you.
But If the work environment is so toxic that you couldn't stay why should he! Where's he supposed to go so you can have alone time ? Please just imagine for a second if when you took sick leave he said he didn't want you at home all day and that he thought you should just struggle on.

Can you imagine this post from other partners point of view

"I'm snowed under and struggling with stress at work and bullying after a tough year in which my daughter suffered cancer but my partner doesn't want me spoiling her alone time"

You both probably need some support. And he probably needs the time off, maybe some counselling? And find a way for you both to have alone time, go for walks, visit a local library, go exercising etc

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 08:50

Thank you so much for your understanding Finch 82. My partner is going to gp to sort out time off. It is true that I will be a shoulder and I will end up putting my needs aside. I have a lovely family and my 17 almost 18 yr old daughter is home awaiting apprentice start date , we are busyimg ourselves with making a dream bedroom for my 11 yr old ( brother moved out so she gets his room). I have been referred for counselling but I've been waiting for 3 months now. Taking therapy sounds great and it's definitely something I'll contact my gp about. I've just finished my PhysioCare for my injuries and am trying to take it easy. Toxic schools seem to be everywhere. I hope yours is bearable and you are fine , I wasn't strong enough to stay there and I'm normally a rock ! My partner is assistant head at ours and can't see a way forward apart from out. Thanks for your advice

OP posts:

PerfumeIsAMessage · 14/09/2017 08:52

You have a lot going on, some of which probably needs a thread in a different area (relationships?) but to answer your actual question- hand on heart- and brain switched on to logic....yes, any long term absence from the workplace is going to affect your reference/possibility of another job. How can it not?

You need to keep lines of communication open with the school (via the union if necessary) to ensure that as much damage limitation as possible happens, and that all parties are kept within the boundaries of legality as far as references/contracts are concerned.

Aside from the issue of not wanting your partner at home with you- (I'm going to be brutally honest here, please don't think I'm getting at you, either of you, because I'm not) it isn't going to look good in anyone's book that both of you are off work with stress. Whatever the rights and wrongs of that are, it just isn't. You need to make damn sure that everyone is well aware that he isn't just taking stress related sick leave because he "fancies a month off" (comments that sadly you hear bandied about when people are off work with this kind of illness.

I can understand it happening- I am lucky and work in a lovely school, but have friends at the other secondary school in the town who are also in a toxic workplace run by the most awful woman who thinks nothing of humiliating her teachers in front of the kids/parents anyone, just to stamp her authority. The turnover of staff is phenomenal there.

Hope you get better soon and sort all this shitty stuff out.

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 08:53

Jellybean85 thanks for advice. I do see it as being selfish too and we will find a way to work this out together. We have just spent another six week holiday in each other's company and we are fine to carry on doing so. The walks are definitely a good idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 09:34

Thanks for your advice . I was afraid of it looking like that but we have both kept in touch with the union with all things that have been done. It is an awful way to run schools, while teaching is taking place , the head along with about 4 other people from SLT come into lessons with clipboards and start questioning and you , belittling behaviour in front of the class and to make it worse they do it to the children too. It's been an absolute nightmare in there this year . I have been working there for 6 yrs and it was never this bad. Turnover at my work place was very high, and now they don't even have enough teachers to teach, they are actually leaving a TA with no qualifications in charge of taking a class. The TA in question was employed about 15 years ago. She doesn't have GCSE's and was taken on as a lunchtime supervisor role. I can't wait to be out of this toxic school and hope that it gets sorted out soon. I'm actually really happy that my partner is making a stand against it too.

OP posts:

Jellybean85 · 14/09/2017 10:42

Sending for you both and your daughter, sounds really tough. Hopefully you can both get the space you need

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 11:01

Thank you so much Jellybean85 , we celebrated by going on a trip to China , was so great that she took her BF on a second holiday ! 💙💙

OP posts:

Poshindevon · 14/09/2017 15:01

finch82 this is mumsnet. I am entitled to my opinion and I was being compassionate to the OPs partner who she did not want in the house and she thought might hinder her chances of leaving her present contract.
She has justified it all since with the full sob story.
Sorry not to be dripping with compassion but I am still entitled to my point of view.

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 14/09/2017 15:27

Finch82, I'm with you on this one....so, so NOT COOL poshindevon !!!!

OP posts:

Mclaughlan · 15/09/2017 12:18

Hi there needing some advice so please help I'm booked to go on holiday in 2 weeks to Florida, the problem is I work in schools so won't get time off as it during term time, I'm so stressed and feeling really anxious and depressed about going away, when I should. E so excited my only option is to get signed off work, never done this before how does it work? Either that or I don't think I can go 😡😡

Appuskidu · 15/09/2017 12:22

WHY the hell did you book a holiday to Florida in September when you work in term time?

Mclaughlan · 15/09/2017 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 15/09/2017 14:07

McLaughlan hope you get this sorted. It's nice of your mother- in law to treat you and your family. It is always difficult booking holidays with family unless it's summer. if people are stressed the doctors signs them off, however those who take time off when it's not genuine make it much more difficult for those who are genuinely sick to take time off from school. Regardless, hope this is sorted out.

OP posts:

Mclaughlan2017 · 15/09/2017 14:12

Thank u fluffyduster im genuinely feeling really stressed as I have a history of depression and anxiety and this isn't helping, my only option is to go in and see doc at moment, I can't miss opportunity to go to Florida thanks again 👍X

lougle · 15/09/2017 14:24

@Mclaughlan2017 I would think very carefully about how much you want this job before you proceed. If you go to the doctor's and get signed off sick, then go on holiday to Florida in that time, you could be dismissed for Gross Misconduct. It is taken very seriously by schools. It is not acceptable and is considered to be fraud.

abacuss · 15/09/2017 14:26

Not sure if doctors do sign people off so they can go on holiday? When I was signed off (against my will and better judgement) I had to go into occupational health meetings a few times too.

OP, I don't blame you for feeling stressed as you want some mental time off, BUT there are things you can do. Talk to him about how much you value your alone time. Say that right now your brain can't handle caring for you both and if he's at home he needs to be ready to (say) make his own lunch, tidy his own stuff, and that you're enjoying some restful quiet alone time and will still want that a bit. Keep talking to him and each other, you're both going through such a shit time.

lougle · 15/09/2017 14:28

To be clear, it is a different matter if you are signed off long-term sick and are considering booking a holiday, or if you break your leg so can't work and already had a cottage break booked, or decide to go and stay with relatives, etc. In each of those situations, the holiday is incidental to the sickness, and you can inform your employer that you are going on a holiday, and your doctor would likely say it's a good idea. What isn't ok, is going to the doctor to get signed off work so you can go on a holiday when you have been, or would be, denied time off work.

Original poster

Fluffyduster12 · 15/09/2017 15:05

Thank you for your lovely advice abacuss

OP posts:

Mclaughlan2017 · 15/09/2017 15:07

The thing is I have been feeling really down and feel mentally and physically exhausted as I work to jobs and have 3 kids and a house to keep I'm really thinking of not going because it will just make things worse but no this break would help me a lot thanks for ur advice

Appuskidu · 15/09/2017 15:10

I strongly suspect you will lose your job if you get signed off and then go to Florida

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