Angry confrontation with workplace bully - what to do next?

[Namila]

I have been working in a small team of 3 people since the end of last year. I work for a big company with a very relaxed and "young" culture so it is normal for employees to socialize after work, be friends and even date each other.

I have been having issues with one of these two colleagues I work with, that resulted into me blowing up at her yesterday and I don't know how to handle things from here.

This colleague is a subtle workplace bully, the type that makes snarky remarks trying to make it seem like she was just joking. Initially the remarks were on a personal level, mostly when we were out on Fridays after work with other colleagues. Initially her remarks were mostly catty comments about the (uncalled for) male attention I received at the pub. I remember the first time she did this to me she said: "you are new here so now all the guys are crazy about you because you are the new hot thing, but it is only a mater of time until they get tired of you".

I thought she was feeling insecure about herself, so at first I let it slide and just blamed her young age (she is younger than me). Then the remarks moved onto my personal life, what a mess it was, I was too emotional, I was too full on etc etc. With hindsight, I should have never shared personal information with her but at the time I thought we were friends. Big mistake.

Then the remarks became professional, like shutting me down when I come up with a new idea at work, or subtly putting me back into my place when I show too much enthusiasm for something.

This dynamic has been going on for nearly a year and the pressure has been building up inside me. These comments are always subtle so each individual case never felt important enough to be addressed as an issue, although comment after comment I started feeling more and more insecure and attacked.

This colleague is on my same seniority level, although she essentially acts as an informal team leader (without having the title). We have different areas of expertise, so our roles are not directly comparable. Things have gotten worse since I stepped up in my role and, after talking to our manager, I started taking on more responsibilities and widening the scope of my role.

Yesterday she made one of her passive aggressive remarks to put me back in my place during a meeting with other people and our new manager, and I just lost it (after the meeting). I confronted her privately and I was very angry and shaken. I then apologized by email for the tone of the conversation, admitting that I should have approached it more rationally, but I also added that if she has an issue with me or my work she should come talk to me directly instead of dropping snarky remarks in front of other people.

Now I am really unsure on what to do. I appreciate that talking to her in such an angry state was a bad move and automatically put me in the wrong. However, I NEED her to stop making those remarks because this issue with her has been making me absolutely miserable at work and it is having a real impact on my job.

I got to a point where even just talking about this issue with someone else makes me cry out of rage and frustration. I let this go way too far and now it is hard to address it without making a fool of myself.

What do you suggest I do? How do I approach this without digging a deeper hole for myself? Please help!

You need to disciss this with your line manager or with Human Resources.
You cannot keep blowing up or being upset as you will look neurotic

She now has an email where you have apologised to her so she can probably spin that to make it look as though you were in the wrong and therefore apologised.

I think take it to your manager/HR and let them deal with it.

As others have said, you need to talk to your line manager or HR depending on whom you think will be most supportive.

In parallel with this, start logging every incident. Date, time, what she said and the context. This log will support your case (especially if your line manager or HR don't take it seriously at first).

Try to keep your cool with her. Do not let your emotions show, you need to show that YOU are the professional (not her!) at all times. I know it's hard but it's necessary. I was so angry with someone at work yesterday that I had to walk away from my desk and have a stroll round the office to calm down before I could come back and engage with them annoying useless muppets from hell Do whatever it takes to stay calm despite her provocation. If you don't, you will be perceived as the difficult, emotional one.

And whatever you do, don't put anything in writing to her!! (other than business communication). You can't leave evidence she can twist and use against you. Emailing her an apology was a mistake. Learn from this and don't do it again. Actually, this is a good rule at work regardless - don't ever put anything in writing that you don't want shared round the office or shown to senior management. Always be careful. If you do end up getting upset and kicking off at her again, make sure there are no witnesses so you can deny everything and it's your word against hers. By contrast, when you're staying calm ad professional, the more people who witness her snarky comments the better. This will strengthen your case.

You sound like you're doing well in your role so please try to hang in there. Unfortunately this is a lesson in workplace politics for you. We all tend to learn the hard way so don't blame yourself.

Hopefully she has got the message not to mess with you on any level in future.

As other pps have said don't write any more emails to her.
Keep her at arms length even when out socialising with colleagues.
She is a covert bully who will probably move on to a mother target now that she knows you will not take anymore of her crap!
Try not to worry about what's gone on too much and congratulate yourself for standing up to her.

I agree, go to HR now and say that you've been putting up with personal remarks since the day you started and that you're too much of a people pleaser.

Because she might have backed down but she might also be delighted to have that email 'proving' you overstepped a boundary with your tone

Good luck

Thank you all for your precious insights and advices. Unfortunately going to HR is not an option as our HR department is completely useless and I know for sure it would lead me nowhere.

I could talk to our line manager, but he only started a couple of weeks ago and I am a bit wary of raising this type of issue so early on, as I am afraid I will be labelled as a "troublemaker".

In that case keep your head down and log everything as a pp said. Logging everything will make you feel a little more in control.
When your line manager has settled in you might have some fodder.

Regardless of how long your line manager has been in post, I would still speak to him. If your working relationship is really strained and it becomes a difficult atmosphere to work in, I'd request some form of mediation. It sounds as thought there are a lot of underlying issues here and it would probably be helpful for you to have a third party there so you can say "when you say x, this makes me feel ....." The role of the mediator will be for them to move things forward and for you both to try and agree and come up with ways of improving your working relationship going forward.

You shouldn't have emailed her the apology as it now looks as though she hasn't done anything wrong from your perspective, so you may have difficulty raising this as an issue later down the line.

I always find socialising with work colleagues a big no no as that way your private life overspills into your professional working one. I'm seen as a bit of an anti-social bore at work, but I'd much rather keep work colleagues as work colleagues. As I also line manage staff I never attend any work functions with the staff group I supervise.

Good luck.

Totally agree with everyone else.

Speak to your line manager and log everything from now on. Minimise your contact with her and try to avoid all situations where she has an opportunity to stick the knife in. Adopt a neutral stance to her comments. Don't react, don't fight back, either ignore her or pretend you haven't heard her. It's amazing how stupid people look when they have to repeat something two or three times. I've adopted this approach with particularly difficult people and it works really well.

I am very careful what I share at work these days. Have been caught out a few times in the past. I'd also rather be viewed as a boring git. Very few people know anything about me at work.

Never send an email apologising. You'll know this for next time.

Even if HR are "useless" you need to have it logged with them same as your manager. Show it as you were at the end of your teether and proactively tried to address.

Keep a diary. You shouldn't have emailed her after the yelling, but as you did from now on and before keep track of every comment she makes- dates, times, witnesses.

Please listen to this weeks episode of the guilty feminist. Its about silence.