Stigmatised as expat wife/'lady of leisure' in job interviews

[jennifer111]

I've been struggling to find a job for a year now in London. I am an expat, experienced and educated. I've been applying for roles that are junior enough you can hire a fresh graduate for it. My work history consists mainly of PR and events work and I understand this is a hyper competitive industry so I have applied to other industries with parallel roles as well.

I can also think of one reason: the trailing spouse/expat wife image that creeps itself during interviews whenever I'm pressed to elucidate on my hodge podge CV and the fact that I have prolonged unemployment periods (about 3 years now).

I've avoided giving any hints about my life of leisure (learnt that lesson before when I candidly disclosed that I play a lot of tennis and travel mainly when asked about what I've been doing, which is a trick job interview question - I was so naive). I am unemployed and I live in a house in W1 (an unavoidable disclosure when you have to put your address in your application - or should I not?). I am well aware that I should never mention at the very slightest that I was essentially trailing my husband who works in finance in Hong Kong, New York and now, London. I have since relocated permanently to London and despite the reassurances I make during the interview that I am no longer at risk of moving, it seems I am being held in suspicion. I'm speculating. I can never really know why I am not getting a second interview.

In my view, my international experience should be a positive for anyone's profile. I do understand where the reluctance is coming from but there seems to be more narrow-minded recruiters and insular employers that I keep coming across with than I was expecting (in London of all places!) who force the issue of my unusual work history and talk to me in dismay hinting that I should have made different decisions and worked continuously like most people who have a straightforward CV.

I cannot change my past nor feel bad for the path I've chosen. I am just as fine and happy, I am just not working at the moment. Am I being stigmatised? I want to work. In my opinion it is no one else's business to know whether I need it or not. Or do employers try to gauge how desperate/hungry you are?

I'm at my wits' end. Please help.

I'm wondering if there were any skills or projects that you worked on when you relocated? e.g. any volunteering that you could use to demonstrate how you kept busy? were you project managing the house move? or working on a house renovation project?

Could you simply explain it as a career break? Perhaps it might come across as more fixed if you explain that your husband was on a 3 year secondment which has now finished (even if it wasn't technically a secondment). So it gives more of a 'done deal' to the travelling aspect.

Good luck.
Sherry

Could you perhaps look at temporary positions where the employer may not fear you abandoning them? That would also add some recent experience on yoir CV.

I would actually give different advice than pp and not look at using project managing house moves as experience. I have seen that on job applications before and I just see it at clutching at straws. I would much rather hear about your in work experience even if it was a while ago.

Maybe take a different tact and explain up front that yes you have taken some time out to support your husband with his career progression and that involved travel but now it is settled and you want to re-establish your career.

I was in the same position, I started by volunteering

I had this issue. I went to lots of interviews, got told not enough recent experience, all kind of reasons. Eventually I got a job for minimum wage in a local supermarket, the next interview I had I got the job. When discussing it later I found out it was because I had 'proved' that I really wanted to work by working in a supermarket, it should I had up to date people skills, time keeping etc (not that I ever lost that). Could you take a different job/volunteer for a bit. Good luck you will get there.

Agree with bretonlover. Referring to house moves etc. as 'projects' is just as cringeworthy as SAHMs looking to re-enter the workforce trying to sell their 'family manager' skills. It's twee and, IME, will go down especially badly with woman managers, many of whom have done some or all of the same while also being employed.

As someone who's both a hiring manager and an expat, I'd suggest you just own your CV. Yes, you've been a trailing expat wife, but you were bored out of your mind. You've been eagerly awaiting the chance to get back into employment because you have some serious talent and people like you are not happy without a challenge.

Of course there are some skills that you get out of having done what you did. Like your international experience and your exceptional people skills. But it just really wasn't for you, so you're supremely motivated to get busy!

I'm not going to lie: the above story line may not work on every employer or even the majority of them. It'd pique my interest, though, and would work on several of my colleagues, too. I'd still expect you to show me you have the skills I need but I'd take you a lot more seriously than if you told me any CV-filler materials stories. And I'd appreciate your honesty.

Also, have you considered that you may be applying for positions that you're overqualified for? You don't give much background on your curriculum but mention that you're basically applying for entry level positions. I'd check with someone in the industry if you're aiming too low. For me, at least, obvious overqualification is a reason not to hire. Not because I've got something against qualified people but because employees who are not being challenged tend to be unhappy at work and are a nightmare to manage. I don't want to to this to either them or myself.

Thank you everyone for all your advice. The timing couldn’t be more perfect as I just received interview invitations for two roles tomorrow.

@SherryBevan I think you’re right about being more definitive when explaining about my husband’s international assignments and expressing it as something fixed and that it is done now and he is back for good in the UK (he is English so this is his home). Thank you.

I’ve avoided mentioning about my husband (even though frankly it does provide the explanation to everything in my work history) for fear of giving an impression and subsequently being stigmatised as this ‘housewife’ supported and lavished by her better half. I am well aware of the acrimony most people have with this type of image. I don’t blame them and I am not interested to confront it. I just want to get on with my life in my own terms and not wallow on the stigma.

Regarding volunteering, I can only admire what you guys did @Athome77 and @Christinayangstwistedsista. I have to admit I am a bit picky about this and I know it is my own fault. I guess I'm just too stubborn (for now, at least) to do something for free that I know is of value and deserves remuneration. I know I am employable and I am still willing to try to defy this red flag of prolonged unemployment. I did apply for a volunteer position once at the British Library in St. Pancras and even that seemed oversubscribed. I was told that they have received a high volume of applicants. I did expect this and I know I am unlikely to be shortlisted.

This time, as @bretonlover and @BossyBitch both said, I will own it. I will, in a tactful way, just fess up to the fact that I have taken a break to support my husband’s career. Any reasonable person I hope would understand that had both of us been tied to our own high flying careers, then none of us would have progressed as we’d simply be holding each other back by our unwillingness to uproot.

Thank you again everyone.

Best,
Jennifer

I doubt you are stigmatised as a lady of leisure, instead people will wonder why you have been unemployed for so long. It can be hugely competitive and I am constantly impressed with the enthusiasm, ambition and sheer hard work of new graduates and those in the early stages of their careers. People sleeping on their friends' sofas or working in pubs in the evening to supplement a poorly paid internship. Personal details such as names and addresses are now removed from applications when we sift, but when I have seen home addresses in the past, I have interviewed people from rough council estates and homes worth millions, including in W1. I have not interviewed anyone in recent years, however, who was unemployed and not doing something constructive with their time such as volunteering or studying for a further professional qualification. That would be what would stand out for me.

It is precisely the fact that I am a 'lady of leisure' that no matter how much I'm able to demonstrate that I can do the job (I do have work experience just not recent) my skills are being overlooked and may not even matter. You can raise the issue of motivation, reliability and willingness. I don't blame employers for being suspicious of someone who hasn't worked for awhile. But I do not believe that those who have worked all their lives are the only ones who possess these values.

I would never claim that I have done something constructive with my time (which by your own definition is either to study or volunteer, if not working). But that is basically saying that the only thing that one can do in life is work. And if I don't meet that 'constructive' criteria, then I am prejudged as either incapable therefore unemployable. I made a choice to live a life of leisure for a time because I was lucky to have the privilege and the means to. I enjoyed it. But I've decided now that I want to work. What I'm sensing is hiring managers seem to be unforgiving of people who made this choice, not that it is wrong to be a lady of leisure in my opinion. I suppose some people can't agree to that.

Wow. You're really defensive and sound like you feel you're entitled. That what you have to offer companies should want and it deserves remuneration, I do wonder if you're not getting jobs because of how you come across at interviews rather than any shortage of skills.

It's one thing to be confident, it's another to be defensive and entitled. Based on the way you've written here, I'm sorry to say, I would not employ you either.

I don't know if that helps, but if you really wish a job then thinking about how you come across might be the first hurdle.

Have you thought about a returnship?

Many of the big companies are running schemes to get back talented people (mainly women) who have been out of the corporate world for whatever reason. My friend has recently done this after 6 years of expat life, exactly like yours, where she hasn't worked at all, (though she did volunteer work), and she now has offers of returnships with 2 of the big 4. They start from the assumption that you do have a gap on your CV, but they look at what you did before and during.

A company called Women Returners run some coaching sessions on how to optimise your CV, how to structure it so it comes across that your career break was planned, and how to present in interviews to the best of your advantage. They also collate loads of returnships for you to look at: this is the current list.

The Return Hub is a specialist recruitment agency in London who are also looking to harness returners. They ran an excellent seminar recently on how to hone your interview technique with a gap on your CV - you should be able to still access it.

There's a whole industry out there starting up to address exactly your problems. Good luck!

I think if people were prejudiced against your expat experience you wouldn't get interviews. You are obviously aiming quite high in terms of employers, if you'll only consider volunteering at the British Library! Maybe your interview technique isn't good? Have you worked in the U.K. before? If not, maybe there are cultural adjustments to be made.

Most employers want recent experience so that's one thing and they don't like CV gaps for any reason. The other issue is that as a trailing spouse they know you don't have autonomy over duration of tenure. You say you're home now but there are a lot of ping pong expats. Lastly, you don't mention children but if you don't have them they might wonder why you weren't working while in the countries you mention.

I think there is something in what you are saying - interviewers are just people with their own prejudices, pre-conceptions etc.

I wonder if it might be a combination of how all the aspects of you are coming across in total? Perhaps you are a mature applicant, very smartly dressed, well-spoken and the whiff of 'lady of leisure' on your CV adds up to an overall impression that you might perceive yourself to be a cut above the rest - sorry, it doesn't look very nice written down, but it may be that your interviewers are reacting instinctively to their impressions.

I think:

Write a skills-based rather than a chronological CV
Mention that you were accompanying your husband abroad, as that gives the reason for you to go and to come back.
Consider trying the charity sector for marketing roles - often a bit more open-minded
Dress down a notch.

Hope that helps.

I appreciate the critiques here. Thank you. Ideally there wouldn’t be any talk about personal life during interviews. However, because of the gaps and the constant relocations that I’ve done for the last 10 years, this topic just simply cannot be avoided. There’s just no way (and I’ve tried many times to skirt around the issue which I think only made interviewers suspicious) that I can credibly explain my gaps and travelling without the “trailing spouse” bit creeping its way into the conversation.

I've had three interviews over the last two weeks and one resulted to a job offer and the other two are on to the final stage this week. I just owned up to my circumstance and didn't skirt around my situation as previously advised by the posters here. I cannot emphasise enough what a massive difference it made.

Thank you, thank you to everyone. I appreciate the honesty, and please don't worry about sounding harsh. It is often when one hears the cold truth that leads one to do better! Hope everyone's having a lovely Sunday.

Congratulations on your offers! What great news. Hope it all works out really well for you.

Congratulations!