Could do with some understanding support...

[Pollyanna9]

Hi all

I've had quite the day today, really unpleasant and actually quite upsetting.

On another thread I've been slated for airing this issue, for assigning this person with the possible title of NPD (even though today's events on serve to reconfirm my thoughts on that)...

This person has been completely vile to me today:

Basically took over the agenda at one point of the meeting that I run
Challenged me (not in a good way)
Repeatedly (ie just arguing the toss really) went back over stuff the Director had already discussed with him and told him he was an idiot but he kept going over the self same points over and over again
At one point he actually stared me out for at least a minute without speaking, then told me 'Don't roll your eyes at me Pollyanna9 (I literally could NOT believe his behaviour)!

I've never had to raise a grievance against a colleague before (although there were times when I should have done probably!), but this behaviour is completely unacceptable, I've had a banging headache all day and it was pretty unpleasant tbh.

And whilst I may not be a psychiatrist and unable to formally diagnose NPD, seriously, this guy is 90% an NPD. It goes too far to just be arrogance, it's something a lot deeper and I'm not the only one who thinks it. He's severely irritated and annoyed people in the past, but he now has really crossed a line to escalate into outright hostility, meddling and aggressive attempts at control that go way way outside of his remit.

What are suitable grounds for raising a grievance and must you go through informal routes first before you can raise it formally???

First thing. You need to remove all emotion.

Emotion makes the lines blurry.

You need to sit down, list all of the incidents where you've been made to feel belittled or that you have proof of something happening.

Then you go to your manager initially

If you feel your manager has not addressed the issues, you then go to H.R and follow the grievance policy

You will be unsuccessful in any kind of grievance procedures if you go in saying 'hes annoying' or diagnosing him with NPD.

Obviously it's unlikely that in anything other than a court case that you'd get to call experts that could diagnose him so it's not going to be a factor.

It was witnessed by a meeting of 5 other people and I'm hearing more and more about how he's been reported as going wayyyy outside of his remit with other colleagues in this team, the IT experts helping us with this piece of work, managers and senior directors.

I'm considering recording future interactions - sadly though you can't record someone's deliberately intimidating and deliberately sabotaging things, is a little more difficult to capture.

You and everyone else who has criticised me for 'labelling' him as NPD - well, I had passed it off as a quirky quite demanding personality prior to this; the catalyst for the vile behaviour today was me telling him he needed to not do something a particular way. Sorry, but he genuinely appears to be someone who probably does indeed have NPD - I can't help that, I'm not 'diagnosing' him, but given his behaviours today I'd say I'm not wrong on this. It doesn't get me anywhere anyway as I say, other than to cause me to watch my back before another knife if stabbed between my shoulder blades. I have literally done NOTHING but support this person, and it's only because recently I said to him look you're really being excessive here and are way way out of your remit, that he's become more challenging, more hostile, more aggressive, and more openly and inappropriately argumentative.

Sorry, but it's not my fault - I've supported him quite significantly in some key areas but I bet he's not at home going through a bottle of wine as someone who has anxiety like I do. It has had a real effect on me - today's meeting was humiliating, embarrassing and upsetting. And I'm a tough cookie, but his behaviour was completely and totally unacceptable and fully unprofessional.