Having a tough time at work

[Minime85]

Hi. I'm having a really tough time with my immediate boss at work. I would say it is verging on bullying. Everything is very subtle and seems minor but it's all very clever and manipulative to completely put me in my place and in a corner. I ended up in tears today and verging on hyperventilating. This isn't the first time it has happened and I'm not the first person to end up like this. I can't just leave. In every other way it's a great place to work. The grass isn't greener. But I can't bare it. Please help.

Have they always been like that, or has something changed their attitude towards you?

That sounds awful. I'm sorry you are going through it. Hard to give advice without knowing more but

Can you provide any examples?

With subtle stuff, I tend to go down the 'clarifying' route. As in: 'so, just to make sure I understand what you mean, I'm getting the impression that you're unhappy with XYZ, but I don't quite get what you would like me to do. Can you elaborate, please?'

It forces them to either deny they're unhappy at all or be upfront about it.

Agree with bossybitch. Try to deny her the mask of ambiguity to she has to say what she is saying directly or has to retract it.

Don't want to put myself so hard to say too much. But for example there are very subtle put downs in front of everyone. The semantics which are chosen are important too to imply she is completely reasonable and so therefore I am not. It doesn't just happen to me. At least two others have left the dept prior to me for the same reasons.

Are you keeping notes of incidents?

I would log these and then have a conversation with them and if that didn't help I'd escalate to their immediate boss.

No one has to put up with that sort of crap on a day to day basis

Sorry meant to put I don't want to out myself. I am going to start to keep a log. Should have done it 6 months ago when it was particularly bad again.

Wow your post just brought back an awful memory of when an ex-boss first did that to me. I was utterly humiliated and lasted 2 years of subtle bullying before I left, with my confidence shattered.

My only advice is to try to rise above - It's NOT YOU. Escape when you can, it won't change.

Billydavey so sorry you've been through it too. Three years on and off so far. Have to make next year the year I move on. Just need to find right thing. I pay mortgage and bills. Pressured job. Today I was broken in front of people too.

It's so hard, especially when the good days are so good and you love your job, but on the bad days you cry for hours!

I've been out for 4 years now and I did get over it slowly, but I'll never forget how that bastard made me feel, and how often he was at his most cutting in front of other people he wanted to show off to. Yet in another breath he'd be sticking up for me when the bosses boss wanted to tear me a new one! The inconsistency and the injustice was breathtaking.

Oh that's made me feel quite choked, I must have blocked it all out haha! I wish I could tell you something more constructive other than "leave", I know it isn't that simple. But do trust yourself, know that this is about them trying to make themselves feel better about their own inadequacies by putting you down (prefrably in fron of others - doubly effective). It is not about you. Hang on to your self belief, and don't let the fuckers win.

Sorry to hear this, I've been in that situation too. It's unbelievably stressful.
I can't even offer you any advice. I tried everything, but the only thing that saved my sanity was leaving.

I'm so sorry to hear your having to go through this. In the past I've been bullied and it left me in tears with zilch confidence. I managed to get another job...there was no other way as I just could not bear the stress!