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feeling so guilty

11 replies

snacks · 15/06/2002 14:12

Hi all...i'm loking for some support here as i'm freaking out!!
I have just returned to work full time. My first week went ok as my 7 month old baby was with a childminder for 20 hours only.This week i have returned to work full time .My childminder tells me that my baby is fine and how great she is at sleeping and eatingI have been following the GF routine and asked my childminder to follow the routine as much as she could. I have trusted what my childminder has said but both weekends i have spent with my daughter , she has been a nightmare with her routine. She won't go down to sleep or feed as she used to .I'm now starting to think that my childminder is lying and I'm feeling so guilty that i no longer know my baby.I can't understand what is wrong with her. Does anyone know what i'm feeling.I have been in tears most days this week feeling such a failure.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 15/06/2002 14:37

Snacks, just want to give you some sympathy and support. I know the feeling about going back to work, I did initially when ds was 5 months old and it's a strange feeling: on the one hand, lovely to go to the loo on your own and get adult company, on the other hand missing your baby and finding it hard. It's completely normal to be feeling the way you do IME. You are not a failure! I'm sure others here will be able to advise you about GF, sorry can't help with that, but I do sympathise.

mears · 15/06/2002 14:39

Unfortunately this is the down side of being a working mum. Your baby has missed you and, despite having a routine, she has had her life disrupted. The upside is that she will get accustomed to the change and will settle into some sort of routine again. Please don't suspect your childminder of lying - you will notice through other threads that babies do stray off the routine path with mums that are at home as well.
Your baby is also entering the cling phase and is going to interact differently than she has been up to now. Unfortunately it is co-inciding with you returning to work. We have all beaten ourselves up about different aspects of working.Once you accept that there will be problems on and off - and that they will sort themselves out - you will enjoy your work and your baby. Good luck.

WideWebWitch · 15/06/2002 14:49

And Snacks, give it some time. Try not to rush into any decisions about giving up work (if that's an option) since your feelings might change and it will get easier. I went back to work and left after a while to become a SAHM but before that I would say it got easier (once I'd got over the shock of the first few months of leaving my baby and going back to work).

Marina · 15/06/2002 19:29

snacks, I agree with what Mears and wickedwaterwitch have both said (and I'm afraid I can't help with GF, either...). Going back to work outside the home is not going to be easy for either of you - I do know from experience. You are in tears and feel a failure - dd is expressing her opinions by not sticking to her routine. Give it time and trust your childminder - if you feel it is necessary, turn up early to collect dd one day and see if there is anything to cause you concern. But I honestly think the bigger upheaval in her life and her age has a lot more to do with it.
Please try not to feel guilty - it will only hinder your efforts to deal with this transitional period calmly. Even if she is difficult at weekends, stay serene and loving. A good childminder can be a wonderful addition to a child's life - another adult to form a loving bond with. It should be clear pretty soon if your childminder is someone you both feel comfortable with, as your dd will settle with her.
Please don't think these are bland reassurances - when I first went back to work, I had a childminder too, and we all soon realised that she and ds were not right for each other. For us, a really exceptional local nursery turned out to be more suitable. And I was an emotional wreck for the first few weeks too. I am a mum who works outside the home f/t mainly through financial necessity (although I'm lucky to have an interesting, child-friendly employer) and I found it hard to leave him - I still do. But seeing how his childcare has helped him blossom helps.
You ARE NOT a failure.

aloha · 15/06/2002 21:06

I have to agree with others here. Babies change and they change particularly when their circumstances change - but change doesn't have to be bad. Also she's growing older so will sleep less and eat more etc. Why are you a failure because your daughter sleeps at different times? Why does that mean there is something 'wrong' with her? That just doesn't make sense to me. She's going to be alive for 80-90 years probably, what possible difference does it make in the great scheme of things that she doesn't sleep on the dot of nine am when she's 7months old. I'm not minimising your worries - returning to work can be so hard - but maybe you just need to be a bit flexible so you can settle down to your new 'routine' together? My ds has never had really settled naptimes - only a settled bedtime, and I'm grateful for that. Babies are people too and have their own ideas and opinions IME! Please try and enjoy your baby at weekends instead of worrying. Working mums have happy babies who love them just as much as SAHMs.

SofiaAmes · 15/06/2002 21:34

Sorry to be boring, but I have to agree with aloha. Think about how discombobulated you are with the new routine and you know what's going on. Your baby is just getting used to change. I work more or less full time and leave my son (18 mo.) with a childminder and have done so since he was 11 mo. old. She follows a pretty strict routine with him, (by her own choice, as I am not a believer in strict routines) but on the weekends I let him nap and eat when it suits him and our activities for the day. It doesn't seem to harm him at all to change back and forth. I love my time away from him and therefore enjoy my time with him even more because I am "rested" when I am home. If you feel guilty, your child will sense this and play up on it. Relax, and save your worrying cells for when your dd is 13, want to wear thong underwear and spend the night at her boyfriend's.

tigermoth · 16/06/2002 09:50

Snacks, my second son had a childminder from the age of six months when I returned to work full time. We did not follow a GF routine, but it felt like he was two babies - a weekday baby and a weekend baby. Here are just some of his routine variations over the six months to 18 months period

Nappy changing: he would lie on his back and stay on his changing mat without fuss with his chldminder. He crawled away from me at every opportunity.

Day naps: he often happily went down to sleep in the childminder's quiet living room, inside the play tent. At home, I had to take him to his cot in his bedroom for a nap, and listen to him grumpily settle for up to half and hour. As he grew older, chances were I would have to forgo the arranged nap and bring him downstairs. He would then get some zizz when taken out in a pushchair.

Feeding: he had a wide range of food at his childminder's, most of which apparently he ate without fuss, while sitting in his high chair.
At home, he refused half the things I offered, in favour of milk, and by 18 months easily escaped from his high chair at every opportunity.

I know my childminder was not telling fibs, because several times I saw the above with my own eyes, and could hardly believe it!

That's not to say my baby didn't give my childminder grief - throwing food, crying, etc etc. And sometimes my childminder would say he had been in a horrendous mood all afternoon, yet at picking up time, he would be all smiles and I'd have a lovely, easy evening with him.

IMO the diffenent home environment and people he saw had lots to do with his changes in routine - that's why he also took days to settle whenever we went on holiday.

As others have said, please, please, don't beat yourself up about different routines. As long as he is happy 7 days a week, what does it matter? Of course, I am not saying this from a GF perspective, and I don't want to underestimate your worries at changing GF routines. Hopefully you'll get specific advice about this.

Just one small suggestion: how about asking your your childminder to write down a brief diary of your baby's day (feeding, sleeping, trips out in the pushchair etc) and give it to you when you collect him? It can be difficult to go though issues in detail at collection time. I have found it helps everyone to have a list of what went on when. You say your childminder follows GF routines - a daily record from her would serve as back up.

Looking ahead, once your baby can talk a little, IMO it gets easier to leave them. Slowly you and your childminder will begin to get a little feedback direct from your toddler. I've found this so reassuring. I do remember how unsure I felt at times about leaving my non-talking baby with anyone but myself or dh. I'm sure that's only natural. It really helped to pay daytime visits to my childminder so I could see for myself how settled my baby was with her.

Sorry, I am straying off the original subject, so I'll end now.

Alibubbles · 16/06/2002 10:34

I am a childminder and often hear that the babies and children I look after 'play their parents up" at home. I have looked after about 30 children from babies and have seen and heard the same stories many times!

I have had many a parent look in utter amazement at their child as they lie compliant on a mat whilst I change them! One parent said to me that it was a two person job to change her 14month son in her house!

Babies are very manipulative from an early age and are experts at giving working mums the guilt trip. Don't worry, you baby will setlle down with as long as you continue with you normal routine with her.

Enjoy being back at work, relax and try not to get stressed about little things, baby will soon pick up on your anxiety and will play up!

Look forward to hearing how it's going in three months time!

pupuce · 16/06/2002 19:28

From a GF perspective
My 2 kids have seriously strayed from GF when at nursery (as nursery won't follow a GF routine specifically, they just can't with so many other kids) - both my kids were absolutely fine and went back on the routine once home.
I'd say the following :

  1. What you have establisehd with the routine is going to stay with your child. GF says (and I believe that as I have seen it many times) - after 4 months old, if the routine has been successfully achieved, the baby can stray or change the routine he will still sleep well.

  2. Your baby is just being very "unsettled" but that's very very very common at 7 months ! I have read several times that it is when the babies are at their most clingy and difficult to put into nursery...

  3. Do trust your child minder... share your worries with her but show confidence !

All the best !

bloss · 16/06/2002 23:50

Message withdrawn

snacks · 17/06/2002 21:41

Hi all..
Well i've been so busy that i have not had time to check my messages ....but i'm so comforted by all your messages . You are all right , i know you are but it is so difficult.
I suppose this feeling i have is also because it is my first baby and feel i should have everything under control.
I think you may also be correct about babies playing up with parents and being the perfect little devil with the childminder, i suppose i didn't expect it at 7 months. I didn't think she could be so manipulative at that age .I'm comforted to read that what i am feeling is normal. I dropped my daughter off this morning and told my childminder about the problems we had over the weekend...and i have to admit that i find it difficult to stand and listen to the childminder making suggestions as to how to change things..i suppose i feel i should be the one that makes decisions ..but again i know that's stupid as she has years of experience and is only trying to help. Oh god , i'm the paranoid ,controlling mother..how did i end up like this? Anyway, picked up my daughter and again was told that she had eaten all that was given and slept reasonably well....
During the day i have to go and feed my daughter , and whenever i go she is always so contented and my childminder says frequently that she is so easy to be with and so contented .I just can't believe it. Anyway i will hang in there as i do enjoy my work and do want to continue full time emplyment ..i suppose work has also added to my stress as it is a new post .Thanks for all your support and will try not to keep strong..easier said than done

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