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Original poster

How will I be able to leave my baby when the time comes???

31 replies

JenAlice · 04/03/2007 14:53

I'm going back to work 4 days on 30th April, baby is going to a good nursery which I'm sure she'll love as she's so sociable but what if I can't leave her? My big worry is that noone else can anticipate her needs like I can. Help!

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Chandra · 04/03/2007 14:58

You will just cope, believe me, a few tears the first days (mostly from you) and then things will settle down and you both will be fine.

About anticipating the needs... I'm sure she will survive

Good luck, is awful the firt time. I remember the person in charge of DS's nursery ahnding me a card with their phone number asking to ring if I felt it was too much, followed by the comment "Babies are fine you know, they settle very soon... it's more difficult for the mother!"

Original poster
JenAlice · 04/03/2007 15:10

Thanks Chandra, I'm sure it will be me that struggles to cope not her! The nursery is on site where I work, so I'll only be 2 mins from her, don't know whether I should pop over to see her during the day or just leave her to get on with it???

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Chandra · 04/03/2007 16:32

I wouldn't. As it would be as leaving her in twice in the same day. Better for her to understand that when you leave you will come back, and that if you come back you are taking her with you

HTH

tulip27 · 04/03/2007 21:22

I completly know where you are coming from. I am looking at nurseries at the moment having been offered a place to retrain on fantastic course at uni. Only thing is I am crying myself to sleep with worry about how the children will cope in full time nursery and like you, will they really care for them in the same way I have done for the last 3 years.

Original poster
JenAlice · 05/03/2007 11:56

I know. I'm sure nursery will really benefit her social and language development etc but still worry because I am the best person to look after her. But I have to go back to work to pay the mortgage and provide for her. It's a horrible decision to make. I keep thinking someone else will feed her more than I do!

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doggiesayswoof · 05/03/2007 12:00

I found this hard at first too. You just have to give up control to a certain extent - which is so difficult when you've spent all your time together.

I used to go over to dd's nursery at lunchtime to bf her - she was 6 months when she started nursery - but when that petered out, I didn't go back to see her during the day. Think it would have unsettled us both. If it's a good nursery like you say they will be happy for you to phone and check she is ok - which she will be

GooseyLoosey · 05/03/2007 12:07

It is a horrible thing to do - have done it twice with dd and ds and the feelings of guilt were terrible. The first time, I wrote instructions for the nursery which were a kind of baby equivalent of war and peace. The second time around, I realised it was a good nursery and they were infact more experienced with children than I was - although this did not lessen the feelings of guilt.

To cheer yourself up, consider the parental positives:

  1. Ability to consume entire cup of coffee while hot.
  1. Ability to have whole uninterupted conversation (about none-baby related things).
  1. Ability to go to toilet unaccompanied and without having to hurry.
  1. Ability to have lunch when hungry rather than when there is a spare 2 minutes.
Ceebee74 · 05/03/2007 12:14

I went through this about 6 weeks ago - 6 weeks later and I can honestly say it is the best thing for me and DS. He loves nursery - has settled really well, they entertain him far more than I can at home (so far he has made me a valentines card, made biscuits, finger painting - and he is only 7.5 months old!) and he always has a smile on his face.

I went through the same thought processes as you - what if they don't feed him properly, don't let him sleep when tired etc but as another poster said, you soon realise that these people at nurseries are far more experienced with bringing up babies than we are - they have done it hundreds of times.

It is about giving up control - I turned into a real control freak with DS and had only left him twice before he started nursery - but once you do it and see that everything is ok, you will wonder why you were even worried.

Also, I wouldn't go and visit him - on DS's first day a colleague asked me if I was going to ring (my nursery is near where I live, not where I work) and check he was ok but I said no because what was I going to do if he wasn't?? Another colleague did go down to see him on her DS's first day and came back in floods of tears - so I really would recommend not doing it - however hard that would be - surf MN on your lunchbreak instead

Original poster
JenAlice · 05/03/2007 13:32

Thanks folks - it really helps to hear other people's experiences and know that you have survived! I definitely think I'm a control freak! As for the conversations about non-baby matters... that is my other worry - do I still have the bit of brain that allows me to do that and will I still be able to do my job? And what if the person who is covering me has done a better job than me and they wish she'd stayed??? all my paranoia is out now!

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tulip27 · 05/03/2007 13:35

I think you would have to worry if you weren't feeling all these emotions. It means your a good mum who cares

OrmIrian · 05/03/2007 13:44

One day at a time. Keeping thinking of how good it will be to see her at the end of the day. Work will distract you and it will be time to pick her up before you know it.

I know it's horrible but you will both get used to it. If you're happy about your childcare arrangments that will make things much easier.

lizziehoney · 05/03/2007 22:09

Would echo whats being said here about the control thing. Yes it'll be hard at first, yes you'll feel guilty BUT look on it as giving your child the enormous gift of starting to explore the big wide world and build relationships with other people. Look at it this way: when your dd is 5 years old, 15 years old, 25 years....you'll be delighted that she's a well adjusted girl who isn't afraid to live her own life. That doesn't come from nowhere - the process starts now! Try to see it this way and I'm sure it'll help. Many mothers have a desperate desire to control, and find it very hard to share their children with anyone, which truly isn't in a child's interests. I remember very clearly the huge shock of being prised off my mother at the age of 5 to go to school - she had literally never left me with anyone, and I don't think it did my self confidence any good at all. You'll be fine - and so will dd

Judy1234 · 05/03/2007 22:37

It will be fine. I went back to work when mine were babies (the oldest 3 are all at university now). Leaving them just gets easier and most parents manage it well. if I thought about them my milk would let down sometimes (so take good supplies of breastpads if she's still feeding!) but I was expressing at work so that was okay.

On talking to colleagues remember everyone finds other people's children deadly boring so just make sure you read the newspapers the day before and have lots of views on cash for honours or whatever.

OrmIrian · 06/03/2007 07:35

Just read some more replies and I too agree about the control thing. Just because others don't do things the same doesn't mean they aren't doing it well enough.

anniemac · 06/03/2007 11:32

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anniemac · 06/03/2007 11:34

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lorie · 06/03/2007 11:48

brilliant advice here....I'm also dreading the day when I go back to work....and I am leaving baby in grandma and mother in laws care! I'm still so anxious, is this normal?

I am a control freak!

Original poster
JenAlice · 06/03/2007 13:58

Thanks so much folks this really helps so much I'm in north lincolnshire anniemac. I somtimes think it's worse with parent lorie -trying to get them to do what you do not what they think they should do, but I guess that comes straight back to my control freakery!

Any tips on being able to get out on time in the morning?

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Ceebee74 · 06/03/2007 14:20

Hi Jen - be organised!! Get as much ready the night before (bags packed, clothes for you and DD out/ironed etc).

Another tip is to get yourself ready before you wake up DD - I have a shower, dry hair, put makeup on, have breakfast, all before waking DS - it does mean you have to get up at a ridiculously early time but so much easier - then when I wake DS up at 7, I can focus on getting him fed and ready.

Good luck x

anniemac · 06/03/2007 15:04

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Original poster
JenAlice · 06/03/2007 15:30

I know! Don't get me wrong I know I am a control freak over DD and I know that letting go of that will benefit us both. I guess I'm in the process of starting to make that mental shift, not easy when DD is all I've focussed on for the last 4 months. Probably part of first time mum syndrome too!

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anniemac · 06/03/2007 16:00

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Original poster
JenAlice · 06/03/2007 16:27

I won't - am intending to make the most of them and have fun doing the 100% bit while I can! Thanks x x

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Gemmitygem · 10/03/2007 13:35

JenAlice, just sending you support from a 1st time mum of 5 month old DS, went back to work full time one month ago. The first day was hard but I really am glad I went back, he's with a nanny not in nursery but is very happy, I'm happy, I feel about 100 times saner and like my old self, and that makes me a better mum in the long run. like you I was adding up how many of his waking hours, feeds etcs he'd get from me as opposed to someone else, but really it's fine, the big things I've learned are:

  1. you're doing the best for your child, try not to beat yourself up
  2. throughout history, women have worked, and before labour saving devices were invented they probably barely spent any 'quality' time with kids (having 10 of them etc etc)
  3. You are contributing to the world as a mum and in your job as well
  4. Your child can only benefit from having other people around them
  5. (this was a hard one for me to swallow: it REALLY doesn't matter all that much who looks after a child a lot of the time as long as they are adequately cuddled, fed and played with.
  6. They know who mum is and you are still number one!

don't know if this makes you feel any better but all I can say is, I'm doing it and it honestly is OK, and getting better all the time! best of luck!

Original poster
JenAlice · 11/03/2007 17:01

Thanks so much Gemmitygem it really does help to hear positive experiences from other mums. We went to visit the nursery again the other day and I do feel a bit better about it - they were really nice and when we got in the baby room and sat down on the floor all the babies that were mobile came over to say hello to Alice, which I thought was lovely and showed what confident, social babies they are. I am reassured by you saying they still know who mum is too! I think I'm starting to make that mental shift towards going back and it will be nice to feel like more than a mum again, although I do worry about my confidence to do my job! Have just been out for lunch with one of my colleagues and they are all looking forward to me going back which is great too.

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