Secret Santa Stress

[DeciRed]

Work colleague doesn't want to take part; has their reasons (has been totally shafted by work this year & finances are an issue) and is very much keeping themselves to themselves as a result, whilst still working well and meeting all targets. Is not a very sociable person regards work, keeps work/personal life separate.

Boss had a 'word' re not being a 'team' member and said although not obligatory, their lack of joining in is 'casting a pall' over working relationships.

It doesn't bother me if colleague participates or not, in fact I don't think many people would be bothered either way but is the boss wrong for putting pressure on colleague?

Posted elsewhere originally but think this may escalate unfortunately so posting for advice for colleague.

Support you colleague. Get others to also support the person. Decide this year there is no secret santa.
We did similar a few years ago. Sent a powerful message straight to management that although they didn't see the individual not being a team player for not wanting to take part, that actually we did. Because being a team player involves more than a one off event.

The boss is a BIG SS fan and pretty much everyone else is too spineless to say No.

In the case could you not ask to opt out too so that it is not just the one person or could it be fixed so they get you and you them and then not buy for each other

In an ideal world yes, but if we were in an ideal world this wouldn't even be happening...

The presents are exchanged and opened at the Xmas lunch that we have to pay for -yet more money worry for colleague.

It's crazy that the boss can effectively bully somebody in this way.

It's awful Deci.

in that ideal world, if the boss is so bothered about SS twat he should use some budget to buy small presents (stocking filler type things), wrap them up and do a lucky dip with raffle ticket numbers.

Employees shouldnt.be forced to spend cash at Christmas, it's an expense they can do without! And singling out one member of staff as a dissenter is vile.

You should all get something from home and wrap it to yourselves
Obviously work out who boss has and then get him something crappy

Oh FGS what an idiot (your boss).

If you can get a group of you to request that you all drop out, do so. Even one more person dropping out would be good.

You could also be publicly warm towards the refusenik, without intruding on their boundaries. Make sure copies of any email you send/anyone else sends giving them good feedback also goes to the big boss. Speak up in meetings and say 'thanks to R who has really supported this process' or anything else you can truthfully say that makes it clear they are valued.

If you must take part in the SS, either go for something much smaller than the budget, like a pocket money toy, or something that fits the budget but is absolutely dull and uninteresting like a Family Circle pack of biscuits or something. Don't do a big reception for your present, just say 'nice, thank you' and change the subject. Kill it off.

If she has to take part, pray she gets the boss so she can buy him a pocket pussy. He sounds like a total dick.

Thanks for the suggestions Boss is female! Don't think blokes would be this invested in SS, tbh.

I really admire this colleague's bravery in saying no but they are now very stressed about it so not sure if it was a good idea.

Anyway that you can intervene? Say to your colleague that you had a jokey / small present lying around at home, wrap it up for SS?

I would explain that I didn't have money and that I felt I was being bullied in to participating. No actual blaming, owning the feelings etc so the boss can't really argue against it.

Why don't you have a word with the person, let them know the boss's thinking and offer to provide the secret santa gift on their behalf (say you have something suitable at home).

The thing is, that if I do then the person making a stand against SS will have their opinion/choice ridden over again.

I believe it's their choice (or damn well should be!) whether they join in with SS or not and if they don't want to participate then they shouldn't have to.

I picked up on the fact she said she's been "shafted". Are you absolutely sure that there's nothing else afoot? Maybe she's not meeting expectations in general and this is one of a number of issues the boss has with her. Don't get me wrong, it's a very, very silly issue - but all the same, perhaps you should be wary of intervening because there may be "proper" issues that you don't know about. It's between them.

As a general rule I dislike the notion that absolutely everyone should be excited in December and spending money like crazy, and that people who don't (for whatever reason) are miseryguts. I think we'd all do well to think about people who are financially compromised/bereaved/newly single/ill etc when the jollity starts. It's just - as I said - there might be more at play in this case?

Certain nothing else is afoot. I work alongside colleague and all targets are met.

I can't intervene but will continue to support my colleague.

For the record, they never go to the staff Xmas party or the work Xmas lunch (they usually take leave for that) it's just not their thing. Occasionally they do SS but not every year.

The boss is new to us this year and likes throwing her weight around, aka bullying.

That would be lovely, to support her by not taking part. I was also bullied/shafted earlier this year and have also disengaged, just go in, do my job, meet my targets and in general keep my head down until I can afford to leave. It would mean a lot to me if I felt supported by colleagues en masse. Sadly my colleagues mostly toe the line, which whilst I can't blame them, makes me feel isolated.

Secret Santa should be a choice. Not everyone wants to spend money on/receive more tat.

I would support her.

This is the type of boss who is earning a six figure salary while no one else has had a payrise for five years. Someone should tell her how it is.