Returning to work - what would you do for childcare? (long)

[wobblyknicks]

I've been thinking for a while about different options for going back to work or studying but either way I'll need some childcare for dd. Have two main options - nursery or my parents (childminders seem to be rubbish round here).

I like the idea of my parents looking after dd because while I'm living with them its convienient, they love her to bits, they'll take her even when she's ill, and be really flexible. So far, so good BUT there's also the fact that they're my parents. In some ways they see it as doing me a favour and giving them an easy life, which is NOT the point. I don't think they can remember what a difficult job it is having total responsibilty for a child and I don't think they realise (even though we've discussed it) that I'd be expecting them to do a lot of interacting with her (like she'd get at a nursery), and take her out to meet other kids - they just see it as long-term babysitting.

I've tried to discuss it with them but they keep putting the issues off. So that side of its making me really uncomfortable, and a nursery would seem easier because I'd be more sure of what they'd 'do' with dd. However, there's the whole thing of how convienient using my parents would be and how I'd never have to take days off because she was a bit sniffly and the nursery wouldn't have her. Also, she's quite happy with my parents when I'm not there so there'd be no worries about settling her in.

I can't even really try her with my parents and see how it goes, because they'd have to give up work (they both work part-time) and register as childminders, so if it didn't work out they'd be out of a job, so I have to decide one way or the other before I go back to work/college.

Really not sure what to do!!!!

message withdrawn

I would be paying them - so they would need to register. I could suggest the trial run thing, see what happens. Hadn't thought about sharing between them and nursery though, would have to give it a lot more thought but it could work quite well - thanks.

If you are worried about them being miffed if you opt for nursery, you could suggest that they do a pick-up, maybe earlier than your work hours would permit, so that dd spends the later afternoon with them on mutually agreed days. And of course, having them as back-up when dd has the snuffles would still be an option - at least on the days when they're not working. Do they both work the same days btw?

Agree with Twiglett there. Mine live 100s of miles away too and we all wish they could see more of the children...I expect your parents are much younger than mine WK, but I also have the "won't be around forever" factor
Can't help envying you your close-by, willing mum and dad

I am worried about them being miffed TBH - but I'm only looking at doing about 20 hours a week so there wouldn't be that many hours to share, for afternoons after nursery etc etc. My dad works until 4pm atm and my mum works for herself but has odd hours that she hasn't got much control over because of her business. So at least one of them would have to give up to make time to look after dd, especially if I was counting on them for last minute care of dd.

marina - my parents had me quite late and they're 58 and 60, so probably no younger than yours. I appreciate that I'm lucky to have them willing to look after dd but in some ways it makes it harder because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Their age too comes into it a bit, obviously as they're a bit older, they aren't as healthy as they could be which is another worry in them looking after a very active baby/toddler.

I'd look into the "shared care" idea.
There are a lot of fantastic benefits to children going to nursery, especially if she's an only child, as they get to interact with other children, learn to share, make friends etc.
Another side benefit is that you are likely to meet other parents with similar age kids and they can be a great support network in times of crisis (picking up if you're unexpectedly held up etc).
But obviously there are also a lot of benefots to your dd having a close relationship with your parents and this way you might be able to achieve this without them having to give up work.
If you're worried about what they'll do with her then you could look into organising a couple of regular activities for their days (swimming or ballet lessons etc) which would mean she would definitely get some stimulation and would take the pressure off them a little.

Sorry to kind of 'knick' your thread wobblyknicks, but i didn't even know a Grandparent could register as a childminder, and then look after their Grandchildren!

I thought there was something that said Grandparents couldn't get paid for it - or am i really thick?!

If they could that would be great for me, as my Mum is really fed up with het job ATM, and is seriously thinking of packing it in. But as you said wobblyknicks, if it didn't work out, then you would be left feeling guilty. Mmmm, lots to think about...

Message withdrawn

If they are looking after a child in the child's own home then I do not think they have to be registered. It's a litte complicated since they do have to be registered in order to look after a child in their own home for "reward" and in this case, the homes are the same! I have a sneaky suspicion this may not relate to family members anyway but can't remember.

As I understand it the gov is really proactive on getting GP's registered as it 'creates an underclass of unregistered carers' IYKWIM
However, there might be an issue with you both being in the same household - ofsted would advise

I use my parents for a limited amount of childcare. I have found that due to their age, it does not work to do this for long or consecutive periods of time. I also think that there are issues which arise, irrespective of age - for example, are they prepared to attend parent and toddler groups, do they share your approach to addressing bad behaviour? do they find it easy to mix with other carers? etc.

However there are compromises which could work. You could use formal childcare for most of the time, but use your parents for 2 or 3 sessions each week. You would all then have the best of both worlds. I sometimes have to work days outside my normal pattern (during which dp looks after dd). I wouldn't want to leave my dd with my parents all day, but on those days, use a childminder and get my parents to pick her up mid-afternoon.

Thanks for all the replies!!!

I was sure that even if they registered it wouldn't count for WTC childcare, so I thought that took the decision out of my hands but I went to the jobcentre to find out what I could actually do and the guy there said that as long as they were fully registered it didn't matter that they were dd's grandparents or that it was in the same home, I could still gte the WTC for them having her. Which is a good thing, but leaves me having to make the decision!!!

My dad could give up work much easier than my mum but that adds another problem. If it was only him looking after dd, I'd be even more worried about how it would go. He used to work a lot when me and my sister were young so he hasn't got as much experience as my mum and he's also got a lot of health problems so it would be hard for him to keep up with dd and he probably wouldn't give her the amount of 'physical play' she'd need. Also, he and I clash a LOT more than my mum and I, so it would be much harder trying to sort out any problems with him.

The hardest thing overall I think is the issue of 'who's in charge'. With a nursery, I could 'lay down the law' and if the worst came to the worst I could change nurseries with no problem. But if there's any problems with my parents, it would be much harder to sort out and they already think they know more about how to bring up dd than I do, which can be very tricky.

I think if I can work out the sharing idea well, that would probably be best. It's just all too mcuh for my little brain!!!

Wobblynicks, despite having a willing set of grandparents to look after ds, I opted for a childminder. DP's parents would have their own way of taking care of ds and I wouldn't feel in a position to ask them to do it my way as they'd be doing us a favour. I also felt that if they had DS all day then they wouldn't like to look after them at other times - i.e. give us a break when we were off work. Childminder worked out great and grandparents have great relationship with the kids. You sound in a similar position - will your parents adhere to your methods of raising your DD (i.e. disipline, food, routines), would you be able to tell them what you want without offending them? If they see it as doing you a favour, then you'd be expected to be obliged to them all the time, and that's not good for any relationship.
I think the idea of shared minding sounds great. Your DD would be with her grandparents, who love her very much for some time, the nursery would help her social development and you wouldn't be overly obliged to anyone. A big plus - you could still ask your parents to babysit some evenings - give you a chance to get out. Does the cost of the nursery have a bearing on your decision?

eefs - the cost doesn't come into it, I'd pay them the same as a nursery (might even have to pay them slightly more). I couldn't afford it without WTC but it looks like I'll get that either way. So cost is the same for both.

I really agree about the fact that I wouldn't feel able to use them for babysitting at other times if they had dd most of the day, which is another downside. And they would definitely look on the whole thing as doing me a favour, and I'm not sure how to get it across that its not much of a favour to me!!!

I think I'd be able to tell them what I want without offending them but getting them to stick to it would be another matter. They see me as inexperienced and I think they 'humour me' so if I wasn't around, I think they'd be too tempted to do what they wanted.

I'll definitely look into shared minding, its sounding like that would be best all round.

Hi WK,
My DS is at nursery 4 days a week and his GPs take it in turns to take him on the 5th day. They volunteered their services and we don't pay them anything.

Various thoughts and our reasonings on the subject as follows:

Saves us a fair deal off money as DS nursery fees are £40 a day.

Means the GPs get to spend valuable time with DS which, as we both work full-time, they probably wouldn't get otherwise.

Although they offered to take him for a day each every week, I believe this wouldn't be fair at their age (I'm a think I'm a fair deal older than you so our parents are pensioners) because it would be a resposiblity and a tie for them. They've raised their children and earnt their retirement.

Also I think this would cause problems if they want to go on holiday or are sick. I would then have to take time off work to look after DS.

I give my parents DSs food for the day so I know what he's eating, and I also printed out a schedule to give them an idea of when his sleeps and meals should be. I have also shown them the day form I get from DS's nursery so they have an idea of the sort of things I like to know when they hand him back. (how much he slept, how many nappies etc)

I was very uptight for the first few weeks about him not having his lunch or sleep at exactly the right time, but as my DH pointed out, they are his GPs. They are allowed to spoil him! As he gets older he will hopefully enjoy spending time with them as I did my GPs.. and no doubt they will spoil him rotten!!

The arrangement works very well for us, but it is only 1 day. I would not be happy for his routine to be out for more than this, so would probably put my foot down more if it was.

One last point, they don't take him to play groups etc. but mum always takes him for walks with the dog and they take him shopping and to see friends. All of this is stimulation and he is learning all the time. IMHO as he does lots at nursery in a closed environment, I like the idea of him spending time in the real world as well.

Sorry to go on...

BR

You're not going on at all BR - thanks for all the advice. I think my main problem is the nursery turning down dd if she's slightly ill and me having to 'beg' the GP's for a favour then. How old is your DS by the way?

Think shared care definitely sounds like the best - maybe I could put dd in nursery for either the morning or afternoon and GP's have her the other time.

And thanks for the advice about routines - sounds sensible to set down a schedule, so they should know what they're doing. I'll have to get into a much better routine with dd - at the moment I'm doing my 'earth mother' impression and I don't have a great routine, I just do things as she seems to need them but I'd have to get it more structured for the GP's.

DS is just over 9 months.

As far as being ill is concerned, DS nursery have never 'turned' him away, and his had some rather messy colds!! But then, if he has a temperature I keep him home anyway. I have picked him up early once, but this was my choice as he had a nasty cough and I wanted to take him to the DRs.

The schedule is basically a spreadsheet with mealtimes and the time and length of his sleeps. I suppose if you're feeding and sleeping on demand this might not be possible for you, so maybe an estimation of how much sleep your dd needs and roughly how much she drinks/eats might be helpful.

BR

Thanks br - have heard other people say their nursery will turn a child down for a 'messy cold' - I'll check that out with the local ones. Have a good mealtime routine so could set that out, its mainly sleeping and playing that are on demand.

Most nurseries will only exclude a child if they have something infectious, and this doesn't include a cold as they would all be out all the time if this were the case (they get lots of colds, especially when they first start nursery). So in nearly 4 years my dd has only been out a couple of times - for a day with conjunctivitus, once when her eczema got infected and once with chicken pox.
Once or twice when she's had a high temperature they've called us and one of us has left work early to pick her up, but provided the temperature has settled they would take her back the next day.
So occasionally you might have to make an excuse to leave work early or have one or two days off a year, or perhaps the GPs could cover sick days, but they shouldn't amount to much.