I'm being bullied at work

[GotSunshineInABag]

Name changed for this...

I'm a bit shocked I'm writing this but I'm being bullied at work. I'm a confident, competent, respected and well-established senior member of staff at work but my manager is bullying me.

I've made a complaint (yet to be dealt with) but it's just not stopping. How the hell do you rebuild a working relationship with someone after this? I hate him for what he's doing (all fairly "low level" stuff in the scheme of things but it doesn't feel low level).

I don't think he'll get sacked for this but he's making small digs at me all the time and I think he's setting me up to fail in small ways. How can it ever be a good outcome?

I don't even know what I'm asking. I just feel a bit desperate.

Sorry to hear this , it must be very unsettling .

What sort of digs does he make ? Can you question him when he does it ?

You may be doing this already but write down the date and time and note of every incident/remark. It always helps to have contemporaneous notes.

Sadly don't have much advice about best way to move forward...

How long have you worked with him? Has he always been like this?

He says I've been told things (by him) when I haven't and then he'll say it again and again despite me telling him it's not true.

E.g. Him: "On Monday I told you about X upcoming meeting".

Me: "You didn't tell me that".

Then he'll send an email saying "The upcoming meeting (which you've known about since Monday)..."

I'll say again that he didn't tell me about it.

Then he'll say "In the five days since Monday that you've known about this meeting..."

And on and on. It's tiny and infuriating.

He's humiliated me in team meetings by shouting at me (literally) and he's begun setting me impossible tasks or tasks so complicated they take hours and hours more time than I'm employed for.

He's not even bothering to hide how angry he is with me.

It sounds so pathetic written down but I'm not paranoid. I'm usually positive, upbeat etc. I hate calling it bullying but it really is. I honestly haven't done anything wrong.

I brought all my notes up to date yesterday and will continue with them.

He hasn't always been like this but my role is a technical role that he can't do (like computer programming but not that). He has big ideas but I have to tell him what's actually feasible/possible. I think he thinks I'm blocking him and could make it work if only I would try harder.

This is such a dreadful situation to be in, I'm so sorry. The concern for me (from experience) is that as he continues to bully and undermine you, you will naturally be more and more upset by it, then defensive, and eventually so wound up that you really will make mistakes. This is presumably what he intends so please try to keep calm and not let him win.

Do you have the support of your colleagues and / or your boss' boss?

I'm pretty sure I'd have their support (feel immensely lucky about this). But I'm worried there will be pressure to reconcile and it's hard to imagine working together after all this.

Mana - you're right about my growing upset and defensiveness.

Oh dear he sounds an absolute pig. There's nothing really , from how you describe it, that you can actually call him out on as its all so subtle. Unless you feel brave enough to ask him outright why he is so angry with you .

First of all - why hasn't your complaint been dealt with? Did you make a formal complaint via your company's official policy? If not - do so immediately. Every company should have a bullying policy - talk to HR about how to take this forward with time-scales.

Secondly - all this "I told you X" when he clearly hasn't - keep a paper trail, anything he claims to have told you but hasn't - get it in an email. Keep it very polite, but very formal, and very clear. "I would like to confirm that I have no record of you informing me of such and such" and keep repeating.

Bullying by a manager rarely has a good outcome (been there) as the organisation will almost always automatically take the side of the more senior person. HR is also automatically on the side of the manager - HR exists as a management tool.

As it is all pretty subtle stuff it makes it harder - however, he shouted at you in a meeting. There will have been witness - get their names and get that in writing as part of your official complaint. If it helps, my DD was required at her work to make a written statement against a senior staff member who had verbally humiliated a junior colleague in front of her other staff members, so take heart - if this guy has a bad rep anyway the organisation may be looking at ways to deal with him already. Although the default setting for organisations is to believe the manager, as this shows it ain't always so!

You say he has set you impossible tasks - make sure you get a clear written set of objectives and a clear time-scale for these tasks. If they are really impossible you need to tell him (in an email) exactly why, being very very factual, calm, clear and objective. Make sure you get his response in writing. If he responds verbally, email him back "May I just confirm the conversation we had on such and such a date regarding....." If you don't tell him the tasks aren't do-able, and then you fail - he has the perfect excuse to turn it back on you when you do fail. If you outline immediately your concerns (and always couch it in terms of "concerns") that the tasks are not achievable, it is then up to him to explain WHY they are achievable, and let him tie himself up in knots!

Good luck. Just make sure you get everything in writing, and EVERY instance where he has shouted at you in team meetings, and get on HR's case!

Agree about following up with emails; it'll keep you right when he's trying to tie you in knots. With the meeting thing, I'd start sending him replies confirming that you do not recall the conversation, but to avoid further confusion in the future he needs only to send an outlook diary invite so everyone is clear. But I couldn't let that lie- I can equally see you wanting to avoid confrontation or needling him in case it gets worse. Tough one to call, situations like this are very depressing and demotivating.

Oh how horrid. And I don't think they're small things at all.
Is there a more senior manager? If so, can you email them both saying that from now on, you would like to be notified via email about all upcoming meetings because there are some that you have not been told about?
Absolutely make sure that HR deal with this and take it seriously.

Thanks everyone. Your advice is great and I will follow all of it.

To be honest, just the fact that you're all saying that's it's awful really helps me feel vindicated. My DP keeps saying "Remember, you have done NOTHING wrong" which helps too.

I'm very grateful to you all for responding.

Good advice on the thread.

You are being undermined. Take care of yourself.

Been there. Was a BOGOF deal on the t shirt.

Get a good support network here and in real life.

Your confidence and competence will be a red flag to this person for whatever reasons.

I'm you, but two years down the line (although bullied by same grade colleague and not manager). I'd say make sure you either fight it properly or if you can have a plan b and then act on it if needed.

I've flagged the bullying up to my boss but never made a formal complaint as it kind of died down but has got worse in recent months. I have unrealistic workload and the thought of the having to cover my back all the time with who said what, getting everything in writing made it all even more stressful! My husband and work managed to convince me it would get better. However I'm now off with stress and my confidence is shot. I have made some mistakes at work recently as so I was so stressed out second guessing all the bloody politics of it all. I wish I had trusted my instinct and got out 18 months ago, instead of ploughing on.

On the plus side I've worked in roles where I have been totally appreciated, no nasty colleagues, reasonable workloads, so I know how it should work - i just need to trust my gut more!

Good luck whatever you do. If I could go back and do it all again I'd would have got another job, and I think sometimes the best way to win a fight is to not join the fight in the first place.

Sorry to waffle, I've been signed off recently, so all very raw .

My bullying was so subtle too, but consistent enough to wear me down. I'd normally consider myself a very confident person and couldn't quite believe what was happening.

I don't want someone else to go through what has happened to me, so please have a plan b set up.