Challenging child - childminder or nursery? Or is the childminder sacking me? V.. long - sorry

[lalaa]

Dd is 19 months. She started going to a childminder twice a week at 10 months. It was v. v. difficult to start with - she was incredibly distressed the whole time for about the first month, which was difficult for both me and the childminder. However, after about 5 weeks, she started to settle. We still had some days when departure would be difficult, but on the whole, things were OK. The childminder said that when dd was not upset she was, and I quote, 'a joy'. Dd was regularly the only child in the childminders care, with other slightly older children joining her after a nursery session in the morning. Usually, there were a max of two or three children being cared for, plus the childminders own children (both at secondary school). I was content that dd was being cared for properly, but I wasn't sure how much stimulation she was getting, and how much time she was spending in front of the TV. Just as this started to be something I was getting concerned about, we relocated. Dd was now 16 months.

I found an excellent childminder in the new location, hugely qualified, lovely lady and very down to earth. She's had a great Ofsted inspection and I was really happy with the new arrangement. This new childminder had a bigger circle of children to look after, which I thought would be great for dd's development as she's a fairly clingy child. Again, dd found it v difficult initially, but within 10 days or so, she seemed to have settled reasonably well. However, departures were (and still are 3 months later) a problem some days (probably about half the time), and the childminder reported in dd's diary that some days were much more challenging than others, with dd demanding individual time and attention from the childminder and becoming v distressed if the childminder leaves the room (for eg to change another child's nappy). This is difficult for the childminder to balance given that she has responsibility for several children. The new childminder has said that dd is the most challenging child she has ever cared for. Additionally, dd finds it difficult in social settings where there are several children and she's encouraged to play with or alongside them (eg playgroup), always coming back to me or childminder and wanting to be entertained, or hugged, or talked to.

The childminder and I have spoken about this at length and we have been trying to be consistent in the way we both deal with dd, encouraging her to play on her own and going to toddler groups so that she becomes more used to those social situations. Just recently, I have begun to see real progression, and I'm now looking at getting her into one or two educational nursery sessions a week once she is two.

This morning when I dropped dd off at the childminder, she became upset again. The childminder then said that she feels that it would be best if we prepared dd for a nursery setting. She feels that as dd is in a home setting with me, and also with her, this is why she is finding it difficult (isn't this the case for all children at a childminder??!). She said that she felt that unless dd goes into a nursery setting, she thinks that we will continue to have this problem until dd goes to school, at which point, we will really have a problem. I suppose it's a kind of tough love approach...

I am concerned because:

dd has already had two childminders in 9 months, and she's moved house. I really don't want to uproot her again and I wonder whether some of the lingering problems are because of all the change in her life so far!

I think I'm just starting to see some progression with dd's behaviour in social settings and I wonder whether this tough approach will be too much for her.

Since dd started with the childminder, the childminder has taken on a baby, whose brother also sometimes goes. Ofsted have agreed that the childminder can go over her numbers in order to allow the older child to stay with his sibling. Additionally, an existing child's sibling also has been accepted, meaning that in theory, instead of having only 3 under 3, my childminder could have 5. This is obviously more lucrative but I think the main problem is that this situation means that a more challenging child like my dd is much more of a problem to my childminder.

So, (and if you're still with me, thank you), I need advice -

Do you think a nursery approach might help with the problems we're having with dd? Or will it be too much?

Do you think my childminder is sacking me because we're too much trouble?

Thanks in anticipation!

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lalla,
Don't know if it makes you feel any better, but my friends DS has been going to nursery since he was 7 months, he is now 21 months and still screams when she leaves. He is just one of those babies who takes time to adjust. He moved to the pre-toddler room recently and they had to spend two weeks slowly introducing him, as he cried and refused to eat all day when they first moved him. By the way, he screams for a about 30 seconds after she's gone and then is happy the rest of the day.

I guess what I'm saying is, all babies are different and have different personalities (sp).I'm not sure she's really that difficult, she just needs to get used to her surroundings and IMHO, nursery might be good for her.

BR

could you try a nannie or nannie share - maybe she would be happier in more one to one care?

Both mine have gone to nursery and enjoyed it - so check out the local ones and see what "feel" you get - would you have the time, or could you arrange to have the time to settle her in slowly, ie gradually lengthening hte amount of time she is there. I understand that this is difficult with work but I am sure you are allowed time off for childcare issues
TRy not to worry - easier said than done
Good luck - I will be following this thread...

Thanks for both your responses! br, you did make me feel better! I suppose what I'm realising is that it looks like this change is going to happen and that dd will get over it.

Maybe I should look at it as an opportunity....!

Lalaa
Yes that's defnitely the best approach. Thing is with babies is they sort of pick up on what you're feeling, so if you're anxious, they are liable to be too.

Also, best not to linger at drop off. I don't mean throw the baby from the door!! But my friend says she hands him over, gives him a kiss and says I'll see you later.. then she turns around and leaves. If you linger it's worse for both of you.

BR

Don't let this get to you but I think that twiglett is probably right. That doesn't make her a bad person or your child unusually difficult, just that in the circumstaces the cm would have an easier life with fewer children. It could well be that she is already pushing the number limits and obviously she would not want to risk losing 2 kids from her care if she can just lose one.

Your dd may well find it more difficult in the short term switching between a preschool/nursery, cm and home than just 2 places so perhaps if you want to find somewhere else anyway then swapping from cm to nursery completely might be a better option for her. dd was similarly clingy until she started at her playgroup at 2 but settled quickly, although even now (she's almost 3) she is pretty discerning about where else and with whom she is left.

hth

Lalaa - I think that it takes all types and that if your child is not a joiner in at the present stage in her development she will be better in a situation where she gets more one to one care. I think it will actually be quite hard for her to get past this point if she doesn't have this spell of one to one as it sounds like that is where she gets her security from.

Once she has a good spell of this then she might be secure enough to learn to enjoy mixing with other children and accepting that she can still feel secure even without one to one adult attention.

TBH I think it sounds like your childminder has too many children to look after - how much attention is she really able to give them?

I think your dd would probably be better with 0ne-to-one care right now, if possible in your own home.

I know from experience that it is incredibly difficult to find one, but a part-time nanny would probably suit, if you can afford it. Make sure that you and Nanny take her to toddler groups and stuff to mix with other kids as much as possible, but I should try to get individual care if possible.

I'm with soapbox on this - I think if your dd is the type who feels more secure with one to one attention, that is what she should be getting (she's still v young remember, much too early to be worried about 'getting her prepared' for school etc). Maybe you could find a childminder where she there are fewer children?
I should add that my own ds1 is v socialble so I'm not talking from experience, but I had a good friend who's children were very demanding of adult attention and hated social settings - her approach was to be much more gentle with them, they went to a childminder where they were the only kids, and only went to more formal group settings once they were 3.

My son has always been a "clingy" child who demands a lot of attention. He has thrived in nursery though. Many people seem to think that a childminder is the best option for a child, who requires, or whose parents want them to have individual attention. I tend to think that if a childminder is looking after several children in different age-groups (and perhaps also doing school-pickups), then a child might get less attention from a childminder than in nursery. In our nursery the ratio between staff and children are just as good as at a childminders. I see it as a benefit that there are more than one person available, so if a child is in distress or hurt for some reason, he or she can get individual care. That's not easy for a childminder who is also looking after a baby to provide. All activities in a nursery is also geared towards your child's age-group.

I think it's possible that your child might settle into and accept a nursery environment easier than a childminder's environment which is trying to be "like home".

my experience is like fairymums - ds would scream unless carried at home, but took to nursery at 5 months like a duck to water. Because there are several adults in the room, one can always do one to one attention when its needed.

Just a quick addition from an ex registered childminder.......I always offered parents of more demanding children the option to pay for two places if they wanted one-to-one care for their child. Some took me up on it and some moved on leaving me free to take on two less demanding children.

Another point is that there is no way that this childminder has been given permission to go over the nationally prescribed limits WRT numbers. It would totally invalidate her insurance and without insurance, a CM cannot trade from her home.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Is it impossible for you to stay at home for a while with her yourself? She is obviously craving a parent-type relationship and that is going to be very hard to find in a childcare situation unless you have a nanny.

Good luck.

Thanks to everyone who has advised here - it's been really helpful.

Upshot of this is that I spoke to the childminder today to get clarity on what she meant, timescales, etc, and she said that she was sorry, that actually dd going to a nursery would probably make the problem worse and that it will be better if she stays put.... so all that emotional upset for nothing! However, it is good to hear everyone's views on the clingy child problem and how to handle it because my gut feel is that dd needs more one-to-one while gently introducing more social activities, whereas my childminder has been trying a more aggressive approach. I do think that we're probably through the worst of it now (crossed fingers) but it's great to hear about other mum's who experience this same issue. Don't feel quite so isolated now!

Lalaa, I wonder if maybe your dd just hasn't really gotten on with either childminder. One would think it totally normal for an adult to have preferences about the people they spend lots of time with. I personally think it's normal for even babies to have preferences. I personally would suggest trying another childminder. Your dd will adjust quickly, especially if it's someone that she takes to.