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Original poster

What would you do?

7 replies

moominmama86 · 08/06/2004 08:07

I'm in a bit of a quandary about whether to go back to work or stay home with ds for a bit longer. I'll try to keep it brief but I'd really welcome any input from lovely Mumsnetters!

Currently I am at home (at my mum and dad's after splitting with dh) with ds, and I do really enjoy it, most of the time. However, my situation is such that I am torn between being an SAHM for a while longer (i.e. taking advantage of my no-rent, no- bills situation to be with ds, but effectively living off my parents and not earning any money for the future) or going out to work, either full- or part-time (i.e. sacrificing time with ds now to provide a bit more stability and financial backing).

We can't stay living with my mum and dad forever (even though they would probably have us) - at some point ds and I will have to find a place of our own. I don't want to carry on living off them - I'm 31 years old ffs! - and do want more independence, both financially and emotionally. Plus I feel I could do with going out to work for myself, IYKWIM. But maybe I should be taking advantage of the fact that I can afford not to work at the moment and investing my time in ds instead?

I am one of those people who feels very uncomfortable not having a little 'nest egg'. I do want to provide for ds properly and I do also feel that it would do me good to go out to work. I actually get panicky at the thought of being 35, still living with my parents and having no money! But I also want to spend as much time as I can with ds. What would you do?

OP posts:

pesme · 08/06/2004 08:51

My dd is 4 1/2 months and I am loving every minute of being with her. I would love to be a SAHM and the thought of going back to work makes me feel abit ill. I am going back part time for a few reasons. In 5 years time when dd is at school I would probably need to go out to work anyway and this way I will have a job and will not have to start out from the bottom again. Much as I hate the idea of dd going to nursery I think it will be good for both of us. The extra money will be EXTREMELY useful. Everyone is different but when making this decision it is important to think long term for both of you. So in short I would work part time.

Good luck.

marialuisa · 08/06/2004 08:53

would it be worth trying some sort of p/t work at first? Would your parents look after your DS to save on childcare costs (at least for a trial period)? You don't say how old your DS is?

personally, if I were in your situation I would want to get back to work, but that's just me. it depends on how comfortable/uncomfortable you are to be reliant on your parents.

WideWebWitch · 08/06/2004 09:19

Will your parents provide cheap childcare while you work? I think I'd work, for several reasons:

I've been broke and hated it
I couldn't live with my mum for long!
The longer you're out of the workforce,the harder it is to get back in. I've had some patronising comments in the last couple of months (was a SAHM for years)
You might enjoy it. If you don't presumably you could change your mind?

How old is your ds? Is he starting school soon?
Having said all that I was a sahm for years and did enjoy most of it. We were very poor though!

Original poster

moominmama86 · 08/06/2004 11:36

I should have said how old ds is! He'll be 1 year next Saturday

My mum could do some of the childcare but not much - she is not really up to it. Dh could possibly do a small amount too, then I guess the rest would have to be covered by nursery or a childminder. It would be a rather bitty arrangement but would probably be okay.

I do really hate being broke but more than that I hate the thought of being reliant on anyone else to see me through, and the thought of ds and I not being able to live our own lives.
I guess part-time work is the best option for the time being. Am obsessed with our future!

Thanks everyone - you've given me things to think about!

OP posts:

hatter · 08/06/2004 13:22

without wanting to sound nosy where does ds's father fit into all this? Maybe the fact you don't really mention him means it's all rather complicated and maybe this is irrelevant but you shouldn't be made to feel like ds's current care and financial future and security is all down to you. A small child needs an awful lot of care (stating the obvious!) whether it comes from a parent or is paid for - if you are doing the more than full-time and incredibly important job of looking after ds then why should the financial sacrifice (ie that you're not working, not earning, not saving) be all yours? I would argue that his father has a responsibility to ds but also, if you like, to you - certainly for as long as you are foregoing earning in order to look after your - and his - son. I would say not to be tempted to view pursuing the support you are entitled to as being dependent on your ex - it's more a case of tipping the scales to make things equal. Effectively - if you're not getting any support - then ds's father is currently dependent on/taking advantage of you! I know this is not what you asked about so sorry if it's a load of irrelevant rubbish....!

Original poster

moominmama86 · 08/06/2004 14:11

Hatter - you are right about xdh and his responsibilities. We are only recently separated and at the moment just playing things by ear as far as access/maintenance etc goes. We have not yet made any specific arrangements because he has only just moved back to the UK, is setting himself up in a new home, sorting out new job etc so I do not want to start making demands for XY and Z yet. He is devoted to ds and wants to do his fair share, so I hope I haven't given anyone the impression that I'm completely on my own. We will sort all this stuff out properly in due course...

However, it doesn't really change the fact that I feel I am, to all intents and purposes, ds's primary carer and I feel very strongly that I don't want to have to rely on ANYONE else to provide for him. Maybe that's the wrong attitude, maybe it sounds stupid? I don't know really! I am a bit once-bitten-twice-shy about xdh's sense of responsibility (don't want to badmouth him though) - it's not that I don't think he will play his part, it's more that I want to have a fallback - does that make any sense?

Ooops, sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant. I really must start trying to post about happier things

OP posts:

hatter · 08/06/2004 20:22

Hi again,

it makes perfect sense. And whilst I may espouse the theory of equal roles and responsibilities etc I know that in practice there's probably nothing so secure as your own independence. It just makes me cross (I mean in general not with ref to your particular situation/ your xdp, of course) when men don't take on the full role they should and as a result they limit the choices of/rely upon the mothers of their kids. If that makes sense....

I'm not on my own but fwiw I work p-t and it works for me, from the point of view of my own sanity and self-esteem and I really enjoy my two days a week with the girls - they're v. special.

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