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Original poster

Why does DS doesn't want to come home after daynursery???

18 replies

Chandra · 08/06/2004 02:16

I don't know whether to be worried or happy about this. DS who is 15m old, has been attending daynursery since he was 8m, mainly because we wanted him to have contact with other children as we have no family around or friends with children his age. He is a very confident and sociable child and in most ocassions, he has not a problem in asking to be carried in arms by people he has just met (not that I allow him but he asks anyway )

Last week he became more confident about walking and he seems to be very happy with his new "mobility" and potential for exploring. At home he is always very happy (I guess because he's always smiling, laughing and is terribly affectionate) but since three days ago he has started a tantrum as soon as we get out of the nursery, he has even go back to the door and knocked to try to get back in.

This could mean that he's having a great time at nursery or that he is getting more attached to people there than to us . In the past a friend told me that my child was not making any fuss about being at the nursery because we have not correctly "bonded" with him, could she be right?

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colinsmommy · 08/06/2004 03:16

My son is only 9 1/2 mo, so I don't know if this applies, but he is the exact same way. He loves being around people, and goes to anyone who asks for him. We don't go to nursery, but we go to a playgroup. He leaves me during playgroup and is gone for the whole 1 1/2 hr. He is never fussy until we leave and then cries all the way home. I don't think he is more attached to the kids there, he is just having fun. I bet that is the same thing with your ds. I don't know what your friend means by correct bonding. My mom told me something once that made me feel better. She said that she thinks that my DS is just a really happy, confident baby who is surrounded by people that love him, and expects that he will be taken good care of because that is what he always gets? I bet that applies to your DS. He probably is just having a good time with other kids and fun exploring.

kalex · 08/06/2004 06:20

Chandra,

Firstly waht a horrible thing for a friend to say

Secondly this is completely normal! My DS loves the nursery and goes through phases where when I arrive he runs in the opposite direction! this normally lasts a couple of weeks and then he goes back to normal.

He also goes through phases where he doesn't want to go into nursery, but always settle after a minute. I have watched from the window, and by the time I walk around the building he is as happy as larry!

IMO your son is just realising that he can control some apsects of his own little life and is testing the boundaries ie what will happen if I do X. HTH

katierocket · 08/06/2004 07:07

chandra, how dare your friend say that, what nonsense. He just likes it that's all. It's good that he's happy there. And when you come and get him he probably just feels a bit tired and emotional and it comes out as a tantrum. It's just a phase, try not to worry, and don't listen to rubbish about bonding.

moominmama86 · 08/06/2004 07:47

Chandra, don't take any notice of what your friend says. It's absolute rubbish to suggest your ds is fussing because you've not bonded with him! Please don't worry - it's upsetting for you that he is having these tantrums but it really doesn't mean anything other than he's happy at nursery and wants to keep on playing!

Original poster
Chandra · 08/06/2004 11:12

Thanks for the reassurance, this friend had a girl who cried for weeks before settling in nursery, when she asked me if DS was suall day long), ffering a lot by being in nursery and I said that he was OK and seemed very happy she told me that thing of the bonding. Why do people is this horrible some times? I wouldn't have said anything like that if my son was the crying one and her girl the happy one

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Original poster
Chandra · 08/06/2004 11:14

oops! what was that? here:
Thanks for the reassurance, this friend had a girl who cried for weeks before settling in nursery, when she asked me if DS was suffering a lot by being in nursery, and I said that he was OK and seemed happy she told me that thing of the bonding.

Why do people is this horrible some times? I wouldn't have said anything like that if my son was the crying one and her girl the happy one

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sponge · 08/06/2004 11:34

She sounds like an ignorant cow. My dd settled very happily into nursery and often doesn't want to come home. She went through a phase where she wanted to go home with one of her friends every day and would scream blue murder if I said we were going straight home - but once at home was normal, affectionate etc.
She was often very tired after a full day at nursery when younger and this can be a cause of the tantrums.
The only "bonding" issue relates to when they start nursery. Apparently if you start them before about 8 months they find it easier to settle in. Afetr 8 months they have become more exclusively attached having spent most of their time just with you and find the separation harder to come to terms with. It's nothing to do with how you bond with them or how much they love you. Personally I think that learning some social skills early on is very valuable and having children who aren't so 100% reliant on you is healthy and makes your life easier.

Fio2 · 08/06/2004 11:36

Chandra my son was a bit like this, except he used cry when I left him but not want to come home when I went to fetch him. I have no problems with leaving my daughter, she is quite happy to be left.

Ignore your friend she is silly

Original poster
Chandra · 17/06/2004 22:28

OK, ten days later I'm back on the same thread but now I AM VERY WORRIED...

OK, he doesn't seem very happy in the mornings when he is left in the nursery, he doesn't cry but doesn't seem as happy as before. The problem is that now he doesn't want me to hold him and hugs the nursery nurse in all desperation and doesn't want to come with me.
Another thing that worries me is that even though I speak Spanish to him and DH catalan, he has more English words.

I guess the easier thing would be to take him to the nursery less often during the week (he is going 4 full days at the moment), but in a way it seems to me a bit of a selfish decision as it would be like preventing him to see people he really loves and have a good time playing with his little friends.

Both DH and I have a lot of work at the moment but we still try to play with him as much as we can, but there are some times when he just looks a bit bored. What shoud I do to make the most of our time together? any suggestion will be highly welcomed

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Original poster
Chandra · 17/06/2004 23:07

Anybody???

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Easy · 17/06/2004 23:30

Chandra,

I think your little boy is twisting you around his finger, playing emotional games. He may be only 15 moths old, but he has more knowledge of you than you realise.

Don't worry too much about his relationship with the nursery staff. It's good that he feels confident enough to be affectionate with them. Don't let him see that it bothers you if he won't come to you. He is probably enjoying your reaction right now.

If you say "Okay then, I'll go home without you" what does he do? My guess is that you'd take a few steps to leave and he'll be with you. Have you tried?

When it comes to playing with him, then I'd try to learn some of the songs and things they do at nursery. He can join in then, and of course teach him your spanish nursery rhymes and songs. Otherwise outside (running around) entertainment was my son's favourite at this age).

And with the language, well he's bound to speak english if he's at nursery 4 days a week, and that's good if you're going to live here long-term. But if you always speak to him in spanish, and dh in catalan, then he'll know those just as well too. How about having a rule that he only speaks spanish at mealtimes or something?

Don't be too despondent. We all feel like we're the worst mum in the world sometimes.

Original poster
Chandra · 17/06/2004 23:40

THanks Easy, answering to your question about whatt does he do if you pretend you are leaving without him... well, he goes back to play and forget about it , I feel that probably is my fault, I spend a lot of time playing with him but after a few hours it's not only he who is bored...
I try to do nicer things at home, like trying new games or experimenting with different things, but still is a long day for both of us, he is a very sociable child, and really enjoys being with other children, I guess I am not such good fun as they may be.

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Original poster
Chandra · 18/06/2004 12:02

I went to the nursery today and found out that all his frieds have been passed to the older children room (mine was a late walker and has stayed behind) so he is now in a very empty room where most babies should be around 8-9m, Ds is almost 16m. I guess that may be the reason he doesn't seems as happy to stay (is breaking my hearth he has been separated from his friends) but in a way probably that means that being the only walking kid he may be getting lots of attention form the staff? I also noticed that the tantrum days take place when he has been allowed to stay sometime with his older/better walkers friends... Will it be sensible to ask the nursery to send him to the older children room?

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Original poster
Chandra · 18/06/2004 12:02

fried=frieNds

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Easy · 18/06/2004 16:02

Chandra, If all his friends are the same age, it does seem odd that he's been left behind with the babies. Is it just that they were all older?

I'm worried that you think your child needs entertaining ALL the time. just as important is that a child learns about down-time, when he entertains himself, or just daydreams in front of the telly for 20 mins or so (nothing wrong with telly as long as you decide what he watches, IMO). Neither you nor he can keep going all the time, it isn't realistic to think you can.
You say that ds tends to tantrum when he has been with his friends all day. Could it just be that he is more tired on these days?

I think you may be worrying too much about his behaviour after nursery.

Easy · 18/06/2004 16:04

sorry, I am trying to reassure you, my last sentence sounded dismissive, didn't mean it to.

Original poster
Chandra · 18/06/2004 16:15

Thanks Easy, as dismisive as it may sound, you are most probably right. I have posted another thread about this, as he stayed behind because is not a steady walker/lack of space in older children's room. But his only "roomates" are now children who don't crawl or cruise. I will speak to the nursery tonight, I really hope that they can accomodate him in the older children's room soon.

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Original poster
Chandra · 18/06/2004 16:17

By the way, I didn't think it sound dismissive, actually, my English is not yet so good as to "read between lines" (gosh, I don't even now I am saying what I would like tosay, anyways, I toke as it is

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