Listening skills/conflict with manager

[PassTheSatsumas]

Hello everyone - looking for some advice/suggestions/words of comfort

Basic issue - am in a moderately high-flying career, and have a job that really suits me (like it, good pay, commute etc so want to stay!)

I have a bit of history of interpersonal issues at work - people think I am rude, don't listen etc: I actually take this quite seriously as has caused me loads of problems (plus who wants to be rude!) so gone into psychotherapy to sort issues out and making good progress

Meanwhile, I inherited a new boss in a restructure who particularly does not appreciate my style (which I am working on!)
She has: refused a promotion I applied for last year, and now promoted someone above my head -always get great ratings for work, it's the personal stuff that is the issue, problem is I don't even know I am being rude
Her issues with me: I don't listen, apparently am disrespectful/rude 'don't realise I need to change'
I have a new line manager now, who is (apparently) coaching me on this (all under big boss who doesn't like me) I am not sure if I am being set up to fail/put on disciplinary - as give a dog a bad name etc
Feeling battered, want to improve to fix these issues, not sure if I can though

I think my next moves are

• look for a new job!! I have been looking for a year though and not found anything
• NEVER interrupt
• be super respectful I suppose (keep my head down, maybe get in early/leave late..)
• never disagree/challenge others (I think this is the problem)
• be 'super sweet'

Any suggestions? Especially from anyone who has resolved this issue themselves, or if you are a perso who would be annoyed by me: what can I do to quickly demonstrate a changed attitude (whilst I am slowly working on the real deal)

Thanks Erinaceus - I've just bought a kindle copy so will have a read today while I have the time :)

Couple of things here OP.

Firstly to chime with a couple of other posters, you really don't come across as this brusque, confrontational person. You've acknowledged that there are some issues of your behaviour that you need to address and have taken proactive and expensive steps to address them. To me if I was your Line Manager I'd be delighted with you.

No one is perfect. I had someone working for me once, really clever guy but had to hone some of his interpersonal skills. He asked to do a 360 where you get feedback from other people and it came back to me first. Some of it was really damaging stuff and reflected more on the person who filled it in than him, but I pulled it together and picked out the pertinent learning points and he coped so well through what must have been a painful exercise and took it all on the chin. He then went on to get a promotion, so it must have worked.

Also people have default styles when they are pushed or stressed. I was annoyed at mid year as I normally score very highly on my behaviours, but got an average instead. I realised it was because of my behaviour at one meeting - totally ignored all the other great things I'd done in those six months - but unfortunately sometimes all people see is the negative as that's what they are conditioned to notice.

So a couple of pieces of advice. Get yourself a mentor who's more senior than you but in a different department. It serves two useful purposes. One - it helps you hone your behaviour and get tips from a pro, two - it gives you a bit of a face in another department which may come in useful in time.

Also and this may be off the mark, but I wonder how old you are? I progressed (pre DS) at a very quick rate and looking back whilst I clearly had the business acumen I feel I lacked the Emotional Intelligence to deal with some of the situations I found myself in. So I'd take a step back and keep all your options open. You sound like a clever, hardworking person so I doubt they want to get rid of you.