Going back on maternity leave - is it possible?

[AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave]

I took 12 weeks' maternity leave and went back to work at the beginning of June. I would have loved to take a longer period of leave but I was left under no illusion by my employer that they wouldn't be happy about it (tbf they weren't very happy to hear I'd be taking maternity leave at all). So I agreed to 2 weeks' annual leave from wk38 of my pregnancy, commenced my maternity leave at wk40, and DD arrived at 40+4. I also have a 22mo DS. I used up all my KIT days in one block at the end of my leave, which in effect meant I returned to work when DD was 11wo - two weeks before my official return to work date. DC are in nursery for 10 hours a day, my house is a tip, I feel guilty every minute I'm away from them, I feel guilty in the evening as DD wants to constantly feed so my time spent with DS is limited. Evenings consist of home, feed DD, bath DS, story, put DS to bed, washing and drying, feed DD, shower, feed DD, sort out work bags/nursery bags/tomorrow's clothes/packed lunches, feed DD, eat dinner, wash up/unload steriliser, tidy and do floors, feed DD. I go to bed at 11.30 without any wind-down time and am up again at 6 to get everyone out the door for 7.30. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but I've been back 6 weeks and if anything it's getting harder due to the cumulative effect of late nights, early starts, and general stress and guilt. Does anybody know whether it's possible to go back on maternity leave, and what I need to do? Or have I simply made my bed so need to lie in it?

OP, I'm sorry to hear that your MIL has a terminal illness.

Having been through that with my own MIL I know how incredibly tough it is to support a spouse through caring for a parent. And I remember clearly looking back, after she died, utterly flabbergasted at how we had somehow made it through. And our children, who had suffered more from our realised stress levels and busy scedules than we knew at the time.

Our youngest was just a baby. And we were both working full time, though me from home. But other things about our situation wasn't as tough as yours - my parents had recently retired and helped with childcare; DH had a brother who although living further away, wanted to help and moved into our house when we we needed a holiday. And we knew we'd inherit some money when MIL died, which took the pressure off financially a bit - cutting corners to create more time is expensive.

Even so, we massively struggled. And then my DH got ill a short time after his mum died and I think fear of what our family had already gone through once as carers was part of what stopped him being upfront with me about his symptoms and going to the GP. Late - too late - he had a lymphoma diagnosis, and less than a year later, he died too. So I've been a carer, and had the grief of loss, twice.

So I hope you'll take it in the spirit it's intended when I say this:
Going on like you are now is almost certainly unsustainable. You are not superwoman. Your husband is not superman. You are human beings with frailties and have two entirely dependant little human beings.
Some suggestions.
-Look out for signs of stress and depression, as well as ither illnesses, and get to the Dr quickly if they occur. And then follow their recommendations, even if that means becoming less busy. Sounds like you'd end up back on SMP if that happened to you. Not worst plan in the world if you get to breaking point.

• Explore whether your MIL is getting every bit of support and respite to which she is entitled. Few people do, until their families are at breaking point. Make it clear that you are, because the situation now sounds unsustainable.
• Have boundaries. Even for the care of your MIL. Your own children - her GC - and your and your dh's physical and emotional health have to come first. That's non negotiable.
• You need time for R&R. And time together. Your little spare time can't be entirely filled with practical matters in opposite directions for the sake of efficiency.
• Yes, look for a new job. Right away.

I'll give it some thought and see if I can remember what else helped us. And please, I don't in any way intend to cause offence to you or your dh. But it's easy, with a terminal illness, to let that person's needs trump everything else. And they don't.

💐 to you Somerville. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. And thank you so much for your words of wisdom.