Does anybody else feel like a massive fraud at work?

[Chocwocdoodah]

And I don't mean in a modest way - I mean actually knowing that you're shit at your job?

I've been in the same career for about 10 years and I'm just no good at it. I've been freelance most of that time which has allowed me to get away with staying at the same level without being questioned about why I'm not more senior (as I've been employed by the same companies repeatedly who take me on at pretty much the same level each time). At my age I should be more senior but I absolutely do not want the responsibility and would hate leading a team. I'm a much better team player.

I just seem to lack the most basic knowledge and this is partly because I have a complete inability to retain information. My memory is dreadful. For example I honestly cannot tell you what modules I studied at uni or any details of the books I read. I even struggle reading books now as once I put them down I forget the plot/characters. I am definitely one of those people whose memory has been permanently outsourced to Google.

Whenever someone at work wants a meeting/chat, I feel sick that they're going to ask something I can't answer. I've just started a new role as an inhouse consultant and I feel so exposed. I'm so up and down - I can feel confident in the morning then make one slip up or feel unsure about something and I just feel sick from then on.

Also I'm often mistaken at work for being much younger than I am. Although people say I look young I'm pretty sure it's actually because I don't come across particularly authoratitive. I feel silly telling people what I do as it almost feels like play-acting.

I just wish I could not work - just so I didn't have to feel like this.

Otherwise I'm a really sociable, confident person.

Sorry this is a stream of consciousness and I'm not sure what anyone can say to help, really....?

You are fine!!!!
I feel the same all the time!!!

I never go for promotions either

I think I am rubbish and dont work had enough

Yet last month I was given a performance bonus which has only happened in my department twice in 5 years!

I still think I am shit at my job

We are fools

This is me to a tee. Have spent a full on day in heavy going meetings feeling like everyone else knows exactly what they are doing.

I'm also 36

I send emails then read and re read them, I agonise over every stupid mistake or the things I say worrying about how I come across.

Thank you all for being so supportive and kind. It's soooo reassuring to hear so many of you feel the same as me!

Strawberryleaf - yes, I do that with emails too! Usually it's when I get home from work, I go over in my head emails that I've sent that day and work myself up into a completely paranoid state that I've come across in completely the wrong way.

Ohtheroses - I like that way of looking at it.

Evergreen 17 - thank you and well done on your bonus

I hope this is not too obvious but when you say you cannot retain information, have you tried taking brief notes of what you do and re-reading them from time to time to build up a store of knowledge?

It is what I do to help retain stuff and grow expertise.

Hi blue. Yes - I have to take notes on everything at work - it's the only way I remember what I've done! And I mean everything!

Is it because you do high volume case work that you cannot recall precise details of what you do on a day-to-day basis, as one case merges into another?

I used to have difficulty when I did that sort of work, but now my work has changed my notes help better.

No, blue, I just have a terrible, terrible memory. I can have a phone call in the morning and completely forget the conversation by the afternoon.....

This is exactly me too!

I feel like I don't know enough to do my own job, but somehow they're keeping me on and tell me I'm doing a good job!? Every review I have I get really nervous and think "this is where they're gonna tell me I'm too shit at my job and sack me" but it never happens. Last time I expected to lose my job I ended up being promoted to senior management instead. No idea how that happened.

During my career I've been in so many meetings (with mainly men) who sit and talk bullshit with such conviction people actually buy what they're saying, and I'm sat there thinking "but you're lying! You're gonna get caught out!". They hardly ever do get caught out so I've started doing it myself. If I'm 99% sure I know the answer, I say it as if I know it's 100% true. My previous self would have said "I'm not sure, I'll get back to you."

That is part of the reason why I think I'm faking it now, because I actually do.

The bullshit thing is absolutely true - say something with enough confidence and everyone believes it.

I was once being inspected for a quality assurance type thing. It was important as it involved storage of specimens which had to be documented and traced wherever they were situated. I answered a question about how we kept a careful trail of each item and showed the inspector an example of one that was located in the room we were in, identifying the room number etc. When they left, my colleague raised an eyebrow and said I did well to get away with that, as I had actually talked about a specimen that was in the wrong location but had talked about it with such conviction the inspector didn't notice .

So if as you all are so kindly saying, I'm actually alright at my job - do we think that people who are genuinely really crap never feel like this?? Because surely there must be those who are rubbish and know it - how do I know I'm not one of them? ?!!

Because surely there must be those who are rubbish and know it

They're usually the ones who ask for and get lots of promotions
and they're given the promotions even though they're crap because there's some merit in "promoting people away from people" IYKWIM, so the real effective team players are left working away together in the main office, and the non people people are sat up in their own office

Also, these people suit management well because they don't mind not doing it right so long as it gets done.

the people who care more about doing things well/right are more use on the front line

Confidence does not equal competence. I too suspect you are probably good at your job, or at least more than adequate. I think that the majority of people who aren't good at their job don't know it (unless they're being actively performance managed) and self doubt can just mean you're conscientious.

This thread has struck a chord as I've always had a sense of imposter syndrome and completely share the fear of getting found out if someone puts me on the spot in a meeting or rings me for my "expertise", so very much empathise. Have to constantly remind myself that I know more than I think I do, having also worked in my field for a long time.

Thanks misty. Sounds silly but everyone who posts on here saying they feel the same brings my anxiety levels down a little but more.

Ok.....so......having got this off my chest.... I do actually know what I'd like to do....but I'm really embarrassed to admit it.....as it's a real DREAM job, as in not likely to ever, ever happen....going to start a new post....promise not to laugh.....

I used to believe in myself, be confident, be able to remember things...and then I got a new job (same thing, different company). All of a sudden I can't remember anything, feel like I do everything wrong and doubt myself. Either my brain has fallen out the back of my head or the stress/constant criticism of a boss who puts me down at every opportunity, criticises the fact I can't remember every single thing she's ever said/emailed to me, nit picks everything and gives zero praise has caused it😢