Grandparents and childcare

[CraftyCat]

I have a bit of a family childcare dilemma and wondered what your views were.

DD goes to nursery once a week and is looked after by my parents on a Saturday every so often. My in-laws have never looked after her ? not because they don?t want to, but because I don?t feel very comfortable about leaving her with them.

My in-laws are constantly used as a free childcare service by my SIL, who leaves her 20 month old with them for a large part of every day and both children with them for probably every other weekend. Both my in-laws have poor health (MIL ? hysterectomy, carpal tunnel in both wrists, artificial hip/FIL ? diabetic, heart probs etc) and therefore find it hard work looking after a toddler. MIL is on her own a lot of the time and struggles to keep up with her own housework etc, so this can mean that the toddler is put in the playpen and left in there for long periods of time. She would never complain/moan about looking after the children, but she does let things slip about how hard she finds it.

I am therefore a bit dubious about leaving DD with her/them. I feel it is unfair to add to their workload (although MIL does offer) and in my heart-of-hearts I guess I have doubts about how they would cope with what would probably be two madcap toddlers causing chaos. I certainly don?t want DD stuck in a playpen with the TV to keep her company. On the other hand I don?t want DD to miss out on her grandparents who I know love her to bits. It is also getting difficult knowing what to say when offers of childcare are made ? I keep sounding grateful but never taking them up on the offers. They think I am ?posh? anyway, so probably believe that I don?t think they are good enough.

What would you do?

Why not be totally honest - saying something like 'you do such a wonderful job looking after X & Y that I don't really feel it's fair for you to look after DD as well but why not come & have lunch/supper/an outing with us so that you can spend some time with DD' - that way your DD can be with her grandparents but you will be around to 'oversee' as necessary.

I know suggestion doesn't actually help with childcare but may be a way round the dilema.

Good luck (BTW I came onto Mumsnet to get away from all my own in-law problems - why do I feel I can help anyone else !!!)

craftycat, could you occasionally leave your dd there for a short time, say an hour while you did some shopping or something?

It sounds as if they do want to know your dd and it seems a shame to exclude them. I shouldn't think any harm would come to your dd in such a short time and IMO, an hour in a playpen on the odd occasion wouldn't be the end of the world. But I do see why you don't want to leave her for longer. Your SIL must be very sure that no harm will come to her children presumably, to leave them in their care?

They would at least get the message that you don't think you're too good for them and you could always stay for a while when you get back so that your inlaws see their grandchild while you are there too. They then wouldn't have too much extra work as a result of seeing your dd. HTH

I agree, there's nothing to stop you being around when your in-laws see dd. You could ask them to look after your child when you know that the other grandchildren will not be there, if you want to give them the opportunity to spend some time alone with her. If you are only out for a short time then it won't feel like another burden for them

Could you try being upfront and say you'd love to leave your DD with your inlaws sometimes, but since she is such a handful right now (even if this is not strictly true), can she come when they don't have to look after your SIL's children?

I don't see anything wrong with being diplomatically open about your reservations on your inlaws looking after two toddlers at once - you have your DD's and in-laws interests at heart, after all.

Also, do you know your SIL well enough to ask her how your inlaws and her children get on together? what they do together, how she disciplines them, what she gives them to eat etc. The more you know about the practicalities from both your inlaws and SIL, the better you'll be able to judge when and how long you'd want to leave your DD in their care.

I can identify a little with this dilemma. My MIL and FIL live in Scotland and we have visited them every new year since myself and DH met. My dd is 19 months old and the first year I knew as I was breast feeding that the offer of babysitting, whilst we got out for a bit, could be refused graciously. However, last new year with DD being 14 months was a worry to me. MIL has arthritis and is not too steady on her feet and FIL is generally in poor health - DD is a dare devil - all making a bad combination. However, I am a little over protective I suppose so I assessed the situation over a day or so to see how MIL coped with DD's constant stair climbing and took a chance one evening - we were gone for about 3 hours and DD was asleep and safe when we got home. MIL informed that she had been up and down the stairs 100's of times holding DD's hand as that was all she wanted to do! I know this made my MIL so happy as she sees little of DD.If MIL had been looking after other grand children as well I think I would have voiced concerns to DH as this would have been too much to cope with but one on one turned out to be OK.

Thanks for your views - I guess part of my reluctance to leave DD with the in-laws is because they have a very different outlook on childcare to my own. I'm into routines, cooking 'healthy' meals etc (probably completely OTT first time mother I'm sure) whereas they just go with the flow - it takes all sorts to make the world go round.

DD isn't excluded from her grandparents - we do visit regularly and take MIL with us on outings, she just isn't left there.

SIL and husband are now splitting up after 11 years of marriage, so I guess the inlaws commitment to childcare will increase for a while at least while they sort things out. We'll see how things go!