I'm having problems at work that are seriously getting me down. For context, I'm 24 and have been in work for 3 and a bit years. I started my third job three months ago.
My manager has a reputation in the organisation for being difficult to work with. She's often described as rude, and she describes herself as 'grumpy'. At times, she can be aggressive and confrontational in her tone and manner. However, despite this, we do sometimes have a laugh and she can be very kind and thoughtful. I would say we do have quite a good working relationship.
It's the changeability that I find difficult to work with. She can be short and snap, for no apparent reason, leaving me nervous. She is also a huge perfectionist, micro managing me to the extent where nothing I do can leave the door unless she's seen and approved it. She expects me to micro manage processes in a similar way, which is not my nature and, in my humble opinion, also not really my job. She will often make changes to what I do seven or eight times, leaving quite harsh comments and abrupt criticism, which is having two effects; one being that my confidence is at an all time low and I have no faith in my ability to do my role, and the other being that work is being delayed and delivered late. I'm being criticised by her for my time management. I've mentioned this to her at catch ups and she has been supportive - but my work I've submitted since still isn't up to her standard.
I regularly take work home, work on the weekends and stay late most nights in the week, in an attempt to improve and win her approval. When she does give me feedback, I keep it and refer to it when preparing new pieces of work. She knows all this, and has seen me do so. I am trying so hard, and it's still not good enough.
This role is a step up from my last one, and I was so excited to start, but it's all just gone so horribly. For what it's worth, I excelled in my last position, there was never any real criticism of my work - of course constructive suggestions on how to improve, but nothing on this level. I was even praised personally by our old CEO for work on several of my projects.
On Friday I went to see HR for a confidential chat on the advice of another colleague in a different department, who witnessed me becoming very distressed at a mistake I'd made that I knew I would have to 'confess'. I told them that, despite a reasonably good working relationship, I felt demoralised and low.
Over the weekend I received several emails, one of which was in response the mistake. I found the emails intimidating, and saw HR first thing on Monday about them. However I decided not to take things any further.
Today, I was criticised for something very minor about 5 minutes after I walked in the door. As I say it was minor, but I just felt so ground down that I went to the loo and burst into tears. I was spotted by my boss' boss' boss, who was obviously concerned - and took me straight to HR. I was questioned as a 'new case' and told them pretty much everything I've said here. I said I couldn't be a mini version of my manager, and that despite working incredibly hard, I couldn't meet her expectations.
They spoke to my manager straight after and I saw her leaving looking upset. I was told she wasn't coming back for the afternoon. I was told that other things are going on, not just what's happening with me - it's 10% me apparently - and she needed some time. I'm glad, as I said we have a good relationship, and I hope she gets any extra support needed. Our line manager has told me not to worry and that, in the nicest possible way, it's not all about me.
But this is the bit that made me nervous - I've been asked to send examples of recent work to my boss' boss. As I say, my confidence is at an all time low anyway and I'm terrified what this means. What if they say it's shit?! I told them in the meeting that I believe my performance is being affected, as I'm so anxious. Why would they want to see my work?
I also mentioned after the meeting that all of this is making me feel worried. The response was 'if you've told the truth you have nothing to worry about. If you've lied then you do.' What does that kind of response mean? I'm scared that I've been made out to look a liar. But I'm not! I've been open about everything that's happened. I took advice from my mum, my boyfriend and confidentially from another manager on my team (who noticed something was up and gently asked me about it), and I've tried to do this all the right way.
I just feel like poor performance is going to be used against me, despite the fact my performance is poor because my confidence has been destroyed by my manager. I'm dreading seeing her again tomorrow and I'm wondering if i should just cut my losses and leave. I throw up daily from anxiety, can't sleep, don't eat properly and become tearful at the slightest thing (which doesn't help!).
As I said she's got a reputation for being difficult, and other colleagues are being very supportive - obviously I can't tell them what's happening with HR, but they know. A few have asked if everything is okay, and I've leaned on them in the past for support - I've been upset or anxious at work, and at times I've had tears in my eyes during meetings which happen straight after I've been criticised (see - tearful at the slightest thing!), which they must have noticed - and I'm worried that will be used against me too, and it'll be made out like I'm a trouble maker. Will they ask colleagues about me?
I'm not trying to start drama, in fact it feels like it's ruining my life. I'm young and junior and I think people feel sorry for me, in this situation which i'm obviously finding difficult so early on in my career. Two people came over with little pick me up gifts today, and another emailed offering a hug. I just want to get on, do well and be happy.
I just wondered if any of you had any advice on dealing with this kind of situation - just getting through the awful days, but actually long term too. Will it ever get any better? Thank you so much if you read this. I have never felt so low.
So as not to drip feed: I'm still technically on probation.