How can I support my daughter in her NQT year?

[jaswales]

Hi I've never posted anything before so hope I'm doing it right. My daughter is doing her NQT year as a primary school teacher but living 4hours away and I'm finding it very difficult. Every time we speak/text something else has gone wrong. This week the school took away her TA with whom she had a good relationship and had developed a routine with and she was very stressed. She hasn't been out on a social evening since she started work at the beginning of September all she seems to do is planning and marking. I'm sure this cannot be healthy she is only 22. She is very bright and very capable at controlling a class she doesn't have behaviour problems thank goodness but I'm really worried about her mental health. Does anyone have any ideas of how I can support her from a distance? I have started writing her letters to update her on home and family stuff because she doesn't have the time to chat, every conversation is about school what she's got to do and what has gone wrong. I feel she is being very negative in her thinking which is out of character. I thought about telling her to do a mindfulness course but she just doesn't have the time for anything and now she is trying to work through being ill and her first parents evening. I'm struggling with her being away from home as it is and now I find myself close to tears because short of getting in the car and driving to hers there is not much I can do. I'd heard the NQT year is a difficult one but it's no wonder so many young teachers leave the job after 2 years, they have no life....

Sounds normal. First year is grim, it eases off (a little) after that.Social life is for holidays.

If you were nearer, I would suggest batch - cooking her favourite meals and filling her freezer with them, that would be comforting and help her stay healthy.

True, other professions have equally gruelling starts. In my NQT year I may have left the building before it got locked at 6, but was generally working at home until 12 at night. I also worked in the holidays. As an NQT, it was about building up the bank of resources I needed and getting the measure of which parts of the paperwork could be done quickly, and which needed prioritising. There are no shortcuts through this, it just takes time.

Presumably many young teachers leave the profession as they realise that the 'long holidays' don't make up for the long hours and (relatively) low pay and perceived status compared to other graduate professions such as lawyers/solicitors and doctors. A teacher is never going to make those kind of wages, and yet will continue to work the same hours.

My daughter loves the actual teaching and I'm sure brokenhearted you love your job too. I am well aware that other professions work equally as hard. I didn't want to get into the minefield of school holidays suffice to say they are only holidays for the children for the best part. It was my observation that this is no life for a 22 year old she would say she knew what she was getting into.
My question is more around how can I as her Mam support her from a distance, in some respects this is just as much for me, as by doing something it helps me to stop worrying and I always handle situations better if I can be constructive. Other people must support their kids from a distance for a whole range of reasons and I wondered how they are doing that. The batch cooking thing could work thank you keeptrudging I will think about that.

Of course lots of young people in different professions go through very tough periods especially at the beginning of their careers. But that doesn't preclude anyone from being able to show empathy and support to others who are in a similar situation rather than telling them to pull it together It's not a competition.

OP it's great you want to find out how best to support your daughter. Have you tried posting in the Staffroom section on here? Loads of teachers there obviously, who will have perhaps more practical and pertinent tips as to what support would most help an NQT.

Things which would have cheered me up (because there's nothing much practical you can do) would be surprise parcels from Paperchase with cute, sparkly pens/stickers and random stationery (Primary teacher), and boxes of chocolates!

Also, at this stage I didn't have time for prolonged phone calls, visits and was completely antisocial - it was like being a hamster on a wheel, I caught up with friends and family in the holidays (which I did feel guilty about), but that improved after Christmas when I felt a bit more in control.

It's tough and I'm afraid teaching is a very busy job and it's easy to be self critical.
I started a perfectionist and now I'm a all about my top priority. Keeping a sense of humour is very important, otherwise it can all get a bit overwhelming.
Send her a card which will make her smile or a little pampering gift. Maybe book a spa day for holidays. Humour and looking after wellbeing is key to lasting the long haul in teaching.

She's an adult. She's entering a demanding career. Be generally supportive but you can't do her homework for her like she was in primary school.

Be thankful she didn't join the army or choose medicine.

I found NQT year tough and I was double your DD's age. I loved getting emails from my mum, which I could read and reply to at a time when I had got through the marking pile - when it would have been V anti social to ring. She was great at mucking in with practical things when she came to visit - cutting out and laminating, sticking labels on books, tidying my study, cleaning etc.

I know other professions work very long hours, but I think what makes teaching particularly tough is that there is almost never a sense of completion, and almost always a feeling that you could have done better. I say this having done a lot of different high pressure jobs before teaching. The inspection and performance management regimes compound this, with senior leaders feeling they are only doing their job if they are identifying things to improve. Encouraging your DD to develop a sense of "good enough", rather than aiming for perfection, would be a real service. Perhaps get her to think about prioritising her to do list into essential/ will really and quickly improve outcomes in my classroom / nice, but not worth burning out for.

Finally, organisation is critical. If you are an organised sort of person and she is less so, maybe helping her set up some systems which she then just has to maintain would help her work smarter. She is nearly through the longest and toughest half term - hope she starts to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I really surprised at how people are being so unkind and talking about when they were a newly qualified lawyer or doctor or whatever. And someone mentioned "pulling herself together" - the OP was asking for advice as to how she could support her daughter.

OP I am a mum (and grandmother) and so know how much we worry about our adult "children" - my sons are heading for 50 and I still worry about them. One of them is a primary school teacher and he had a real baptism of fire and ended up going off with stress after the first term. The road was very bumpy with one thing and another but 11 years later he's still teaching.

I feel for your DD and as others have said the NQT year is so hard and she will be spending all her time planning, marking and a thousand other things teachers have to do these days. Do you know what the Head's like, as that can make a difference. Not that it reduces the ridiculous work load of course, and I know quite a high percentage of teachers give up in the first 12 months, and even more in the first 5 years.

Are you planning on seeing her at half term. If so making portions of her favourite foods would be a good idea. Take her shopping and get her something nice - how about a massage (not stone massages are excellent) for helping to de-stress. You sound like a lovely mom so I'm sure you will know how to help.

Being a parent is a life sentence isn't it...........

Hi jaswales,

I am currently doing my NQT year too, and I sympathise with your daughter. I am a career changer so I have something with which I can compare teaching - it is very tough. You can become so invested in your students that it s easy to lie awake at night thinking about what you might have done better, what else you can do etc. The marking, planning and NQT admin can be overwhelming too.

I am lucky in that my parents live close by, and the way they have helped me is to provide food . It is lovely at the end of the day when they turn up randomly at the school gate, armed with dinner for the evening and a couple of days beyond. If you live far away, is it possible that you could sort out a delivery of easy to make meals for your daughter? When my friend had her baby, I sent her a delivery of meals from COOK, which she really appreciated. I have grand ambitions for what I'm going to feed the family most days, but the reality is that at the moment, I don't have the time to prep and cook anything particularly time-consuming.

She is nearly a sixth of the way through the year, and the first term is the longest. I hope she is feeling better soon.

How long do parents want the carefree, zero responsiblity, out every night culture to go on for? Until they are 30?

you can't do her homework for her like she was in primary school.

Okay I have to address this. Who said I wanted my DD to have this lifestyle? In fact she was very hard working and had top grades throughout her teens and beyond. BUT she could take the odd Saturday night off to have a social life. Work life balance is very important.

I have never done my child's homework and never intend to, I may have supported them when they were younger by explaining what was required or getting relevant books to broaden their knowledge.

I repeat I was asking for ideas of how to support not wishing any different life for her she is an adult and has chosen her path but that doesn't mean I stop being a Mam/Parent/Friend/Supporter/Biggest Fan!! Oh and we would talk IF she had time

Thank you everyone for your practical suggestions, especially

Encouraging your DD to develop a sense of "good enough", rather than aiming for perfection, would be a real service.

My DD is a perfectionist and I'm sure you are right with this one, hopefully we will see her at some point over half term but I'm conscious that I don't want her to fell under pressure to fit us in or feel guilty that she hasn't as much time as she would like to spend with us.

Parenting is for life not just for under 18's

Buy her noise cancelling in ear earphones. Staff rooms are often very noisy.
Be there for here even listening and nodding. Shem may have no one to talk to about her job.

NQT year is the worst. As a career changer, nothing comes close to the bone crushing tiredness, constant illness and mouth ulcers that come with the first few years. Reassure her that it will get easier over time (slightly) I'm with the person who said about sending little treat parcels from time to time and also the person who said about emails. Teaching can and does take over every waking minutes, particularly at first. I'm an NQT mentor and the drop out rate is high, partly due to the hours and partly due to that sense that nothing is every completed and there is always something more than you can do. I tell the teachers that I work with to divide work into piles:
Urgent and important
Important but not urgent
Urgent but not important
Not important and not urgent

Generally the stuff in the last pile doesn't happen! Nothing bad happens and it does help you to prioritise. If it will impact on the children in a positive way, it needs to be done. If not....