So down about being back at work

[Eminybob]

There is just nothing I can do about it. I had 14 fabulous months off after having DS and now I'm back down to earth with a bump.

I know I'm really lucky that I am able to just do 3 days a week but that doesn't help when I'm lay here awake at 3am feeling sick and dreading going in.

I've disliked my job for a while now, so I should have done something about it while I was off. But I can't afford to leave or step down. It's quite specialised and reasonably well paid, and I'm not qualified to do anything else so I would have to take a massive pay cut to retrain and start again. Which I can't afford to do whilst staying part time. And I can't bear to leave DS for any longer than I do.

That's another thing, the guilt. It's eating me up leaving him at nursery. He actually loves it but every day I pick him up and they tell me what he has done and I feel so upset that I missed it. I'm stuck in my shitty office doing my shitty job while missing my sons mile stones.

I know this is a pity party and I'm sure lots and lots of people feel the same way, and lots have to go back full time. But I have suffered over the years in this job with stress and anxiety, been on various meds for it, plus insomnia and while I was off I felt happy and relaxed for the first time in years, and now I'm back to feeling like crap again.
Even on my days off I feel anxious and feel I can't truly enjoy myself and my time with DS as I'm worrying about work.

My manager hasn't made it easy for me, I don't feel welcomed back and she has already told me that she doesn't think that the role is suited to part time. I'm on a trial period for the part time hours and I feel she's going to do her best to make sure I fail. I'm not even doing my actual job yet as I need to go through some training first so I can't imagine what I'm going to feel like when I am properly back up and running.

Sorry for the long rant. I just feel so so down.

Has anyone else felt this way? And how did you deal with it?

I found a new job. And 5 years later, DH found a new job, so I'm now a SAHM. Week 3 ATM

God I envy you. Well done for making it happen.

That would really be the answer to my prayers, if DP got a better job. He is more than capable but had to take a step down last year, losing us even more money, and I think it's really rocked his confidence.

It gets easier with time. I used to work out how much I was earning each day and plan what I would spend it on, work out the cost of a holiday etc. I also got my DH to do the nursery drop off, so I was just leaving the baby with him, rather than nursery.

I would plan things for my days off so I was up and out early. Work wise 8 years on I still just view it as a way to make money and seem to have lost all my career aspirations, but I know that for lots of my friends, they switched back into work and career mode quickly.

I hope things get easier for you.

Sorry if I have missed it, how long have you been back?

I'm one of those people that preferred work to being at home so I am probably not much use but I did want to say that in my experience over the years, people say it gets a bit easier with time but the initial return is very difficult. (I wonder if it's because leave is so much longer than it used to be?)I used to go out and buy a box of tissues and chocolate for my staff when people returned from maternity leave as I knew the first day usually involved tears. Within a few months though a lot of people said they felt much better and actively enjoyed the child free time.

We had a nice workplace however, if your job has been a problem before the leave, it might not be like that for you. Do you have any specialist recruitment agencies in your sector, who could give you and your dp some advice? Or is there anyone senior in your organisation you could approach for some mentoring/advice on a move within your company?

I'm sorry it's so hard. I also have lost a job that paid well and we took a massive pay cut as a family. It was terrifying and I worried massively but actually it's been manageable and our quality of life has much improved, despite the financial change. Is there any room in your finances at all for lesser income if it gives you a happier life?

It's been a month. It actually started off ok and has gotten progressively worse. I do hope it does get better.

I picked DS up from nursery today and his key worker was telling me about stuff he'd done, words he's started to say and stuff, and it made me so sad that I wasn't there to see it. I know it's good progression for him, I do, but still.

My manager asked about DS today for the very first time since I've been back so I guess that's a bonus.

Hey OP, no advice but can I join your pity party and hopefully pick up some tips for re-adjusting?

I'm going back this week after 14 months off and dreading it. 13-month-old DD also seems to be finding it hard to settle with the childminder. My workplace is nice, I'm well-paid and get lots of holiday and benefits, but I'm struggling to see it as anything other than a golden cage atm and feel disproportionately negative and bitter about it.

Haha yeah come on in and join the fun. Not got much in the way of tips though.

It's rubbish isn't it? I was so happy while I was on maternity leave, I felt like I'd found my place in life. I know what you mean about bitter. Sometimes I feel positively angry about it.

I will let you know if things start to improve. And in the mean time I'll keep putting my lottery numbers on

Perhaps if you start looking for another job, or your DP does, it would give you a "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling?

It must be very hard to go back to a job you don't like anyway, after such a long absence. I do think the leaving the DC bit will get easier for you, but if the job's awful anyway, it's worth trying your best to change if you can.

I sympathise with the early hours fretting, poor you, and anyone else struggling. I hope it gets better.