don't like my job, want to be at home, worried about the implications...HELP

[jeangenie]

I am in a real dilemma and would appreciate any thoughts/experiences
We have two DDs, one 4 about to start recep in January, 2nd 20mths (how did that happen?)
I work 4 d a week (compressed into 3.5 long days, one of which is at home so I can see the kids)
I've always worked outside the home, mostly in an industry/role that doesn't really excite or stimulate me but pays the most of anything i feel qualified to do. 3 years ago I started a job with a small company in a demanding role. it's really too demanding to do part time (i've tried it 3 d a week which did suit me better but was difficult as my workload doesn't change and I just end up more stressed), things aren't helped by the fact that I am under motivated (variety of reasons, including being on 80% salary for 6 of the last 12 month due to company financal problems)- apart from the salary my benefits and pension are non-existent
I've felt hugely guilty about being back at work since I went back after DD2. The company insisted I come back p/t after 4.5 months and maybe that was just too early, I don't know. I think that having DD2 and DD1 being nearly starting reception has also made me supremely concious of how fleeting these early years are and how much I am missing out on...(we have good childcare so the kids probably aren't missing out on too much, I am not sure what the latest research is on this !!!)
anyway, I was talking about this with DH, its been on my mind a lot, and he says that since I've been exploring the same emotions for over a year now (ie pretty much since going back after DD2 mat leave) it's obviously very important to me and I should resign.Have to say he has been on at me to leave the company (although his idea was that I'd get another job) since the 80% thing started as he thinks it is a complete piss take. Anyway...(sorry about the long and garbled nature of this, it's pretty stream of consciousness i am afraid, I'm feeling sick just thinking about it all)
if i gave upwork we'd be broke, not literally but we'd be surviving on one (not mega high but reasonable enough in principle) salary and we are in London with a large London mortgage.DH salary isn't going to get much bigger (he is an academic)
we'd probably just about scrape through from month to month if we put the mortgage on interest only and cut back everywhere and on everything...
I have never liked the industry/job I do particularly - it's a project mamagement role in IT and my real love is creative stuff, art and crafts, handmade objects, retro design blah blah doesn't pay the bills stuff. I have degrees in both computer science and fine art (long story) but obviously the IT won in terms of financial stability for my career so far.
What is the point of this post? well,obviously, I need someone to tell me what to do...
my heart tells me to quit (yes I worry about going a bit barmy as a sahm (no offence tosahm, it's just everyone goes on about the lack of intellectual stimulation etc, can't see it myself, not with the lot I work with anyway, the DDs will be a step in the right direction!) but after a bit of uncomfortable self analyis I guess I realise I have always been a very safe, sensible sort and it feels a bit like falling off a very high diving board to think seriously about giving up this career. I worry that maybe I'd think I ad made a mistake and wouldn't be able to get a job again, but tbh I don't want to work in this industry, I just do it for the money and at the moment that's not great. I don't want to change jobs in the same industry as I am feeling more and more that now is the time to take some timeoff, spend it with the kids, enjoy them a bit more, support DD1 in the move to school and think about what I REALLY want to do with the rest of my life. But I am almost 38 so it all feels a bit scary...what if I still don't know in three years time and we are in debt and I am frazzled and even more stressed by the money stuff

I probably shouldn't post this, it is late and the post islong and rambling...

still, maybe it'll strike a chord with someone who'll be able to tell me what to do
fingers crossed...

I think you are rightly worried that because you now know how precious your time with your dc is, you would regret not spending time with them while they are young.

Financially work out how hard it will be, and then I would recommend trying to save all of your salary for 3- 6 months. You will feel how difficult it will be to survive on one salary, and will go into the decision well informed. Plus you will have some savings to dip into over the next couple of years.

I think that the childcare will make it difficult to go back on a contract basis once you have given up, so I would be prepared to stay at home till the children are both at school. If you don't like it at home though, you will probably walk into another position that you might enjoy more anyway.

hmm, that is a very sensible suggestion wswqm

and I'd be more able to bear the work situation if I knew there was an end date in sight...

thanks for that

(and I could be off for the summer hols!!!)

We have tried this since I have been on mat leave, and as a result i am going back to work, because we can't survive on one income!

But at least I feel that the decision is well informed and I have lost the feelings of guilt and indecision.

I am still going to save every penny I can, just in case at any stage I feel I just can't carry on.

Good luck.

sorry to hear you couldn't manage it wswqm, sounds very sensible to continue to save just in case though

well, I worked it out on paper and it looks like we could just about do it - we've been spending a lot on groceries and lunch out during the working week (almost £1K ) and I am sure I can get the groceries at least down to about £100 a week without problem, DH will just have to take sandwiches!

we'll also save about £1k by not paying for childcare

DH did look a bit grumpy when I said we'd have to limit his pints after work (he doesn't do it much, but likes to feel he can iyswim) so will have to tread carefully with that. I guess if we both have a set amount of "spare" cash to spend each month we can choose what we spend it on and his can be the odd pint if that's what he fancies

work are pissing me off big time now (hence lots of posts on mn recently, am so demotivated there) so am thinking of giving myself 3 months until handing in my notice a) to see if I go off the idea of leaving and b) to check the finances WILL work (and save some cash)

thanks guys, have been feeling much more positive since I realised I DO have a choice...