Advantages of Going Back to Work Early

[Judy1234]

Coming out of several other threads this is interesting. As I said elsewhere with my first child I went back to work after 2 weeks. I always work up until I went into labour. I think the longest I took off was 5 week with any of the 5. You don't often get parents writing about returning to work quickly so I thought just setting out some of the advantages might be helpful for those who can't decide how much time to take off at home. I don't want this to be seen as me saying all parents should both be back at their desks within 2 weeks however; just food for thought particularly with the new paternity leave rights coming in next April.

1. The baby does not have a huge wrench when you suddenly return at 6 months or a year. At 2 weeks she can get used to her good childcare from the father, relative, nanny or whatever so has continuity and no shock to the system of a later return.

1. You don't have time to get out of the swing of work so it's all less disrupting to your life.

1. You can establish a breastmilk expressing system early on without worrying about how to manage breastfeeding when going back at 3 months.

1. Both parents are equally as involved with the children. The pattern at home isn't established that the mother does everything to do with the baby. The mother isn't better than the father at child things. You may get a more involved husband.

1. You only lose 10% of pay in the few weeks you take off.

1. You don't lose touch with work, lose promotion, position etc.

1. If I'm allowed say it, being at home with babies can be boring (not for everyone, I know) so you can skip all that and concentrate on the fun cuddles bit.

1. You inconvenience an employer or your customers less. No one will like me for saying this but in the real world fathers and mothers taking leave is hard to manage. I can say this having had to manage maternity leave for two of my nannies over the years.

1. You may find the physical recovery from birth easier in an office than managing small children and domestic work at home with heavy lifting, toddlers who kick you, heavy rubbish to put out, floors to scrub etc.I certainly found sitting still at a desk, time to rest, relax, get drinks at my leisure helped me get back to normal. Dressing in office clothes too helps get you back to being your normal self. I loved leaving behind the clothes at home covered in baby sick etc.

10. Sometimes it aids mental health particularly if you hate being home with a baby.

Xenia, was that directed at me?

Not really seriously. I know what a lot of men are really like. I'd much rather have had a slightly sexist one than my own who was abusive but fair in terms of chores at home.

What do mean by abusive? You seem so together, I can't imagine you allowing yourself to be abused. Tell me to shut up if it's none of my business.

I think I have identified another assumption in your posts here Xenia. You seem to think that the only thing that would make a woman not want to rush back to work is guilt. Also that the only negative emotion a working woman would feel is guilt. I just don't think that is true. When you first fell in love really passionately, when you couldn't see your beloved did you feel guilt? I guess not. But did you feel yearning, sad, lonely? I think a lot of women feel those feelings about their children. They actively and positively want to be with them, and if they spend too much time apart (and the definition of 'too much' can only ever be individual) they become unhappy. There are also women who feel exhausted and stressed by trying to combine work and parenthood. And many people in relationships regard their family as one unit, in which there are several roles. Just like a company. And just as in a company one person will do, say, marketing, and another do accounts, and neither feels like a drain upon the other, so in families sometimes one person does the childcare and another earns the money. Both have to be done and it is up to the family unit to decide how those jobs are shared. Sometimes both do job-shares. As to men, in all the families I know, men do want to contribute more in terms of looking after their children and miss them when they work. And when men are sole carers, as I pointed out earlier, they often do give up work altogether, at an almost identical rate to women. I think trying to make this a feminist issue isn't really working tbh.

God, my husband is very much a bloke. A northerner, football fan, big and doesn't even want a wedding ring as he doesn't like jewellery...but he regards his fatherhood as a badge of manhood and is totally present as a father and has definitely compromised his career for it.

It's a bit of a feminist issue as women often end up with unfair roles at home and not as much chance to forge a career even if they want to because of men and then get left on the financial scrap heap after divorce when he wants a younger model. Not all couples of course.

u, physical, mental etc. It's amazing what people will tolerate in some marriages and how things can look very okay from outside but they aren't within the marriage.

Dara - ITA with your post.

"But did you feel yearning, sad, lonely? I think a lot of women feel those feelings about their children." That yearning is a strange feeling isn't it? It can be so physical and hit you when you least expect it. If DH and I are honoured with a night off from our children (thank you grandma!) I'm always ready to pick them up again sooner than is expected.

I personally didn't miss my DD1 when I was at work 3 days per week. Her nursery wasn't far away and DH picked her up and took her home an hour before I finished work. But, I have heard many accounts of women giving up work because they were so miserable at work parted from their children and you're right Dara, it probably had little to do with guilt and much more to do with that physical yearning to be neaer to their babies.

Well, I've just gone back to work after 4 yrs as a SAHM. I am doing 20 hours (5 hours, 4 days) which in all honesty is a bit more than I'd like to be doing. I am lucky tho as I work in a school I get the hols off - I don't think I would have gone back to work anywhere other than a school for that reason. My dcs are 4 (at nursery / about to start statutory schooling) and nearly 3 (just about to start pre-school).

The reason I would not be happy living within the scenario that Xenia does is that I want to be there, physically, for my dcs most of the time. I want to drop them off at school and pick them up. I want to know the names of all the children in their class, I want to teach my dcs to read and write and play sports, I want to understand what my dcs experience when they're at school, and I want to be there for the plays and the sports days and the fetes. I want to be the world expert on my two dcs, not because I'm a control freak but because I love them passionately and I hate the thought of not connecting with them on a daily basis.

I want to be part of it all, and I know that if I'm not now, there's no way I'll be able to relate to them when they're in their teens. I feel that I'm laying down a foundation now for life-long (hopefully) communication with my dcs, everyday sharing of experiences and problems, and just good friendship with them which only comes through times shared together (going down the park for an hour after school, that kind of thing).

And that is what I want - not what I feel I should do or feel duty bound to do. That's the life I want my dcs to have and that's the life I want. It's not even that I feel I do it better than, say, a childminder would. It's simply that they are my dcs and I want to be with them! I'm lucky to be able to choose whether or not to work (my salary is the icing on the cake for us financially) and my decisions would always be centred around the dcs, not me or my needs or fulfillment. There are so many other ways to be fulfilled apart from work - and again I'm lucky in that I do find my job very rewarding and stimulating anyway.

Just thought I'd throw my thoughts into the pot. I'm not saying I'm supermum - I wish! but I do want ot be the best mum that I can be, and in a way that is true to who I am.

I think it is maybe different with babies.

I could quite happily ship out my 14 month old for a day or two per week. I'd forgotten how difficult and tiring toddlers are

I know most people think that. I find the needs of babies much easier to meet.

I got good at nursing at a keyboard with both hands free.

Great post, Texas.

Ah yes FITMS - we got to that stage and then DD2 came along. Fun times ahead

Have not read the whole very long thread so apologies if repeating what has already been said.

Went back to work at 10 wks with ds - although only for 1 or 2 days a week until he was 6mnths. It was good for me as with hindsight had pnd and it helped me cope. However, nothing can express the horror for me of having to express in the tolilet and looking down at my blouse and seeing wet marks on it - I found bf and working very hard.

Did I feel guilty about this - a little, but I could not have coped being at home all of the time. Do I think it was harmful to my son - not sure, DH stayed at home and looked after him while I was at work until 6 mnths and it was great for their relationship. However (I think) it has undeniably damaged my relationship with ds (as I didn't see him at all the days I worked).

With dd, stayed off for full 6 months which was the right decision for both of us.

Each time people have judged me for the choices I made and I have been told several times it is cruel to have left my children to work (and I do only work part time so I can spend time with them). Grrrr.

Each to his own - no one other than me and mine know what my life is like and my families' needs are. Likewise, I would never pressume that what worked for me would be good for someone else and increasingly I must confess that I am a little envious of some of the SAHMs I know.

Think this may sound a little like a rant but just realised how strongly I feel about this as I type.

TR, good post. It just shows we're different. I do now walk my sons to school most days and pick them up on one day but I was equally happy with the older ones just dropping them off at the school coach. I do remember how useful it was that my father drove us to school every day up to age 17. It was a chance to talk in the car. We used to read the Times Leader column aloud to him and stuff like that. I think the fetching and carrying by a father or mother can be good thing particularly when you've teenagers and want to try to wrest from them details of their day.

I am quite happy now not remembering the twins' teachers names or their friends but mothering for me has been a slightly different process from people on here. I started it at 22 and at 44 it's still going on. It's beena constant thing combined with my working life, not wokring 15 years, then 5 years off for babies so perhaps that's just a different dynamic. I suspect big families (we have 5 children) may not be as into each child's life as smaller families. Hard enough remember the children's names at times (joke).

I can remember the feelings of spearation from a baby. It's not fun. I never felt that once they got older. I can also remember it when I've been in love too but you have to get used to being apart at some stage. In fact now I'm 44 it's men who've never left their mothers who I try to avoid like the plague.

GL, the judging thing is interesting. One person at work 22 years ago said he thought children should be with their mothers but no one else ever did. My family never said I shouldn't work. I never wanted to mix with other mothers of small children so perhaps I was insulated. I feel protectd by that. I never went through the compare my child with another child problem my sister has had, the competitiveness of some other mothers. I was well well out of all that. I suppose also I came from a family where we were brought up to pursue careers so no one really would have expected me to give up work.

..re leaking breastmilk at work... I don't think I had any accidents and I had breastpads. For me expressing made me feel better. Before I needed to do it there is quite a build up and then it's a relief to get it out so I didn't find it unpleasant but the hassle of it is and it's much more fun to feed a baby and not bother with bottles at all. With the twins as I worked from home they were brought to me to feed and that was really really nicer, also quite nice then to hand them back to their nanny to do the nappy changing during working hours.

I only went back part-time at 6 months but have to share my expressed breastfeeding horror --- I'm in the single toilet expressing away. There's a knock on the door. I'm feeling so uncomfortable I just ignore it and expect them to go away. But no, it's the male cleaner complete with set of keys which he uses to open the door to find me in all my glory!!!!!!! That was it. Mums who express at work have my absolute admiration. I never did again.

Message withdrawn

Thanks, Pitchounette I think working helped a lot with pnd too.

Xenia - had breast pads, but weren't enough as could not get up half way through meetings and explain what I needed to go and do. I cringe even remembering it.

I wasn't in that many meetings at that stage. I was 22, 24, 26 when I was in the City expressing. So not with enough responsibility to be in meetings much. For me the balance that I really wanted to work was worth the price of the expressing and I really liked feeding them when I was at home and at night so it was just the price I paid for that and it doesn't last that long. I used to just leave my office and do it. I found a toilet no one used and had an insulated freezer bag and ice pack. Bigger companies nowadays because I think there's an EU directive relating to breastfeeding mothers at work tend to be more accommmodating these days.

Definitely much easier with the twins although I do remember one very long day going to Liverpool and there was so much milk. With twins you produce double quantities. It's not the fac tthe milk's there it's the kind of physiological huge need to get it out and let the milk let down and your need for the oxytocin dose your body gives you when you feed. Anyway the twins at home much easier. I could have put off babies until that stage but I managed the first three and I really like being 44 with 3 grown up children. It's fun.

I was 34 in a City firm. Had to throw away the milk as could not have faced putting in in the office fridge (that may actually be my sqeamishness rather than any of my colleagues but never wanted to test it). Also found expressing a very time consuming task and would often get questioning looks when I returned to my desk. Really admire anyone who could keep up b/f and work for a long period.