Childcare and commuting with a baby

[chloechloe]

I'll likely be returning to work when DD is 9+ months old. DH and I both work 50 miles from home in opposite directions and I am debating whether I should put DD into a creche near to home, or in-house at my office.

Having her in the office has loads of advantages - I can pop down and see her during the day, pick her up easily if she is ill, and if I have to work late I can take her into my office with me. I'm wondering if it would be crazy to try and commute with her though. My commute is just over 1 hour - 15min walk to train station, 30 min direct train, 2 stops on underground, then 5min walk to the office.

if she were near to home, it would be much more difficult to pick her up if there are any problems (we don't have any family nearby so would probably need to have a childminder on call to pick her up just in case). Plus it would mean seeing her less during the day.

Any thoughts? Am not sure how realistic it is to commute such a distance with a baby on a daily basis. Then again, colleaues I have who live in the city centre probably spend 45min crossing from one side of the city to the other with a child in tow, even though the distance is much shorter.

I have mixed views about this. One of the most stressful sides to WOH is the rush to get back for pick up - having DD in the on site crèche would remove this element of stress.

Having said this commuting with a child is not for the faint hearted. - though there are a few mums that do it on my commute. Do you have any scope to work flexibly so you could do one journey outside of peak hours?

DP and I both commute into Central London. Our DC are currently with a childminder - this was the best option for us as all the nurseries in our town close at 6pm which didn ' t offer enough of a safety window for late running trains. (She is also fantastic)

At my work only the chief exec has her own office, everyone else is in open plan hot desking office space, very different to artandco owning her own company with private office space for her kids.

Formally - that's just office dependant surely? I chose to rent that particular space due to its layout, which others may also do. I admittedly do have the largest office space, but all 8 other employees all have own private office spaces also ( all big enough for desks, a sofa, and additional space they add whatever suits, so big enough for a baby to crawl about for an hour or play on a rug). All the rooms have glass walls so we can see each other but you can't hear each other. In the middle is a communal area with large table and chairs for meetings together, sofas to lounge on together for a break and kitchen area.

Dh has a similar layout at his office which is a much larger company.

Out of 8 employees, 3 in the last 8 years have brought babies in when small. For me this is beneficial to promote as then they all returned after around 3-4 months maternity instead of a year, as then brought babies with them until they were all around 12-18 months. When they felt they were old enough to send to childcare more and they weren't feeding them etc. It means for me nobody has left due to having babies as they have the flexibility to bring them. They know that if they need to bring older child in during holidays they can.

Obviously everyone, including myself try and balance bringing children with other solutions so the children aren't just in the office daily so they don't get bored as they grow.
Now mine are 4 and 5 they are at a mixture of nursery and school, with dh and I swapping who works at home sometimes, occasionally trips to grandparents in school holidays, and in between they are at office.

In a few years time your 9 month old will be starting school. It'd be nice for her to have local friends to go with. IME nurseries often have links with local schools too; in my DS's case this was invaluable.

Wherever your DD goes to nursery she'll make friends and be invited to birthday parties and play dates. Do you really want to travel 50 + miles at weekends to accommodate that?

That's a good point Bike, my ds is only just over 2 and he's got loads of little mates from nursery and has been invited to 3 birthday parties so far and had play dates with others.

I've got to know other parents at nursery too and we all chat when we see each other in the local shops etc. it's a community feeling!

When you're baby is tiny it's easy to imagine things being practical that aren't practical with a toddler.

We also both commute 1hr+ and sometimes we are both in London while DD is at home. We chose a cm for this reason (well, amongst others) as there was more flexibility if trains were delayed. However, do remember if the train line breaks, you certainly won't be the only parent having trouble getting home - in our local nurseries, if the line breaks then there's often a dozen or so kids being held at the nursery.

Local mums are a fantastic resource too. We have no family where we live but the other mums have been great, I know that should disaster strike there are a few other mums who could get DD. Not ideal but better than nothing. And again, the age makes a different - looking after another 2yo is easier than looking after another 9mo.

I see people struggling big time with this every day - rush hour london and buggies are not fun esp. the tube.

Have you thought about a nanny? Particularly cost effective if you think you'll have another child.

6 years ago I was faced with the same situation. I feel very strongly that I child should be part of the community where they live. I love it when I am out in the village with my DC and someone they know says hello to them. Often it's someone I don't know but might be their friend's grandma who gets them from school once a week, or older child at school/nursery; nursery cook etc.

OP here. Thanks for all the comments - it's given me lots to think about, but I see the resounding recommendation is not to even contemplate it!

My circumstances do make it a bit more manageable than many envisage. I live in Germany so the commute is much more civilised than in London. I always get a seat on the train, they're rarely delayed (they can cope with snow here!) and I can roll the pram straight onto the train and underground. Obviously there are times when the trains are in chaos though which would be a nightmare with a baby in tow.

I wasn't envisaging full on working with a baby in my office - more like finishing a few things off once the creche closes at 6 if need be. I have my own office and given that the creche is for staff only it's not uncommon for people to take their kids up to their office or in to the canteen.

I hadn't really thought through how disruptive it would be to go and see DD during the day. I guess that's why my colleagues with kids avoid walking past the creche windows! I was thinking more about myself and how much I will miss DD when I'm away from her!

Maybe a nanny would be the way forward. I thought having DD around other kids would be beneficial, but maybe it would mean too much stimulation at that age. Finding the right nanny seems like such a daunting task though!

art Shame there aren't more forward thinking employers like you around! It sounds like you have a great set-up which I'm sure makes for really motivated and loyal employees!

Ah, sorry - as you mentioened tube I assumed London. Maybe it would be more doable.

Is the creche free or subsidised?

Even with an easy commute this would be a pain. For a significant portion of time DS was at his grumpiest when I picked him up (went back to work at 7 months). An hour long commute then would have made life hell. Also there are lots of periods when you are trying to stop them napping or alter nap times (so they go to sleep at night at a decent hour) and if I was in a moving vehicle for an hour I would find that impossible to enforce.
The other two points about not having local friends and also not being able to drop her off if you are ill or need time off is very valid.
Most kids can wait an hour or so after they are properly unwell before their parents turn up.
The popping in to see DD is a no no I am afraid. At 9 months this would have really distressed DS who had no concept of time (but a general idea of routine) so would have been v upset about Mummy turning up and disappearing, not knowing when she was coming next. Kids will be clingy at the point of separation but having to do that multiple times a day would be distressing for everyone.

Remember op that nothing in life has to be permanent. In Germany she won't start school until around 6 years usually anyway. So even if you wanted her to make kindergarten friends there's nothing stopping you say using work crèche from 9months -3years. And then reviewing the situation and swapping into a local kindergarten 3-6 years. By then you may have another child and could review looking at getting a full time nanny, using local tagsmutter, or combination of a kindergarten local to home with an Au pair.

Also I disagree with not popping into see child during the day. Sure in and out all day may be disruptive, but you could easily work out a good time to visit with the crèche ie every day at a set time for 15 mins. If she is breastfed still this will be helpful also

Also we have never done early bedtimes during to late arrival home. I would ask the nursery if they can encourage long naps during the afternoon so at 6-7pm she isn't exhausted and tired. It's much easier to just do 9pm bedtime, with more naps in the day so they are awake and happy at 6-9pm and you can all play/ eat together etc.
( for me this worked great as i could let them nap 3-4hrs during work time at office so I could work easily, and then they could get proper play time with me in the evening when we were more available)

Do you have a decent toddler sling? Would be easier imo as can then just sit them on your lap on train. Get some nice books and you can use the train commute 30 mins as a nice 1-1 time reading to her each morning and evening. This will help her feel readier to be left without you in the day knowing she gets closeness right before and after daycare. I also fly a lot with mine since tiny on work trips and this is how we got through hours and hours of travelling, there are some lovely fairytale and Classic books

My experience is London based which I appreciate isn't so relevant. One of the big concerns for most parents who work FT is the constancy of the primary carer. ie the turnover of people who look after their child on a daily basis whether its a nursery, nanny or au pair etc. Starting at a work/city nursery might be ideal for the first year, but after that you may start to fret about the outdoor opportunities/fresh air available in a more rural setting. So best case, that could be two separate nurseries before starting school at which point after school care is required in any case. It's worth thinking about the long term plan before you decide as ad hoc changes forced on you will usually result in the self imposed guilt trip.

I know a few families who have employed a nursery worker to start early [eg: 7am] ahead of their shift at the nursery so that they can come to their home, get the child ready, give them breakfast and take them to nursery. Or on the other end of the day, to take them home and give them a bath. That extra hour allows parents to leave for work and work an 8-4 and be home on time for bathtime.

Alternatively, I know some people who have put their children into nursery but also employed an au pair or a reliable retired person as a babysitter and emergency nanny who does a similar role.

Ah german efficiency! My mum still raves about how great kindergarten there was, from age 2 I was collected at the door each morning by minibus and dropped off having had a good lunch! I remember nothing about it other than the actual minibus and the 80s music playing in it!

That and your office set up might make a big difference then.

Agree with PP who highlighted that whatever you decide could change in the future.

IMO nursery is good for older toddlers and preschoolers for social stuff, less so for smaller DC.

IME DC are ill much more often with nursery than when in care based in a home.

Re nannies, you only need to find one! Cost / having to be an employer is the main barrier in the UK, not sure how it works in Germany.

I don't think a couple of days a week nursery is a bad idea but all week was too hard for dd at any point - too much stimulation - still too much now she's 4 (ive long since backtracked on ft nursery although perhaps not soon enough). I wfh 3 days pw - lovely for me, but dd2's eyes light up when I pop out for a quick coffee - not lovely for her (she's 8 mo). Dd1 purposefully ignores me. It doesn't have to be all one childcare solution - a mix is worth considering too. I have nanny 3/pw and nursery 2 days/week and it is working best for us