What is it with the bizarre words used at work, can't people use plain english ?

[Rookiemum]

I went in for a training day this week whilst I am still on maternity leave and the thing that really struck me was that I'd forgotten, or been so used to that I didn't notice, the bizarre way people speak.

All the favourites were there, "downsizing" "brainstorming", the tortured old sayings "we need to work smarter not harder" ( well duh ) and the one I hate more than anything "wordsmith" as in "This needs to be wordsmithed" i.e. I'm too bright and important to write a proper sentence so someone lower down the ranks can do it. Its not even a proper word FGS never mind turning it into a verb.

I need to refresh my working vocab for the return day so can anyone help me with their own workplace words.

I actually thought David Brent invented "There's no I in team" but my sister tells me it IS a real (well, ykwim) phrase and he just added "but there is ME"

I think all this management speak is a new way men have invented of keeping the glass ceiling intact.
Because it seems you HAVE to talk it to get promoted, but most women don't because they can see it for the rubbish it really is.
However, it is wonderful to listen to fluent speakers, who can talk for ages without saying anything.
Even the pre-school prospects for our local infant school is full of it.
Does no one speak plain english any more?

I had a boss whose favorite phrase was 'I want to share this with you' Translation: I am dumping this load of work on you........
I also hate "cutting edge/bleeding edge" (I work in IT)
"Singing froom the same hymn sheet"

"on the same page" anyone?

'hot desking'....(you will have no personal space)

'by close of play' used to irritate me no end.

This is an Hr related one but when people stopped saying fte (full time equivalent) and started saying wte (work time equivalent) instead for no reason other than the new MD said it. I once asked my manager what the difference was (assuming there was a difference in the way they were calculated) she just shrugged and said she didn't know but it just seemed to be what everyone was saying now. wtf?

......and don't forget those other favorites "Let's speak offline", "Can you give me a dashboard on that?" and last but not least "Let's talk about that at our next One2One", ....I mean, honestly, what are these people on about?!

I just nod like an idiot, work my 2 days, and take the cash!

Methinks tis time to play Buzzword Bingo..... Im a teacher, my most hated word/phrase is enrichment, as in enrichment of the curriculum yuk yuk yuk! The only enrichment I would like would be in my paypacket.. Playing Buzzword Bingo makes you realise how many times these stupid phrases are used.

I worked with someone (within a team) who really overused:

ballpark figure
hit the ground running
touch base
singing from the same hymnsheet

...to name but a few. I think she used them so often it made everyone else aware of how stupid they sound hence she was the only one who used them!

Oh yes "singing from the same hymn sheet" I'd forgotten that one, roughly translated, You will do what I say you stupid little minions but I'm trying to appear inclusive.
We don't use the word enrichment, I'm going to introduce that one as in I'm enriching your job i.e. giving you more to do with no extra money

when i worked for a bank i hated that i had to get a certain 'penetration' of customers!! my boss would ask me what my 'penetration rate' was..eugh.. what they meant was what percentage of customers i had sold x to, usually insurances. so with loans we had to get something like 75% penetration...eugh..

Education is one of the worst fields for jargon - my pet hate is 'emotional literacy'

I read about a teacher who regularly added the acronym ACI to her lesson plans. Nobody had the courage to ask her what it really meant until a friend spilled the beans, it's 'Advanced Colouring In'.

Sobernow, BOBFOC is one of my favourite phrases!

This management bullshit is everywhere now. I am a librarian. Now you would think that was a fairly safe job from all this 21st century waffle. Apparently not. I have recently been advised that I should avoid calling myself a librarian because of the connotations (grey cardigans, cats and puzzles presumably) and I should instead refer to myself as a Knowledge Manager or Information Scientist. FFS. I'd rather refer to myself as a Book Whore thanks.

lol at these. Yes, we have

CoB (Close of Business)
agree with "let's take that offline" (what, we're ONLINE now when we're, er, talking? such shite isn't it?)
let's look at the pareto effect
you can use these figures to tell a really interesting business story (I don't tihnk you can actually matey)

lol at All Bar One and librarian too!

'face time' bleurgh

rofl at these.
Sober,they are ace.
There are a few used in salt circles that cannot possibly divulge or would be struck off.

Thinking outside the box

Firing off an email

My absolute favourite is 'we have to make sure we have all our ducks in a row on this'

ie let's get our stories straight.

Dp works in a Uni - they aren't allowed to refer to mature students now its 'adult returners'....

I did however, quite like PICNIC (Problem in chair, not in computer...)