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Original poster

DH lost interest in his career......

17 replies

jjack39 · 20/04/2015 12:27

Sorry to bore you with a bit of a moan, but I don't know what to do. Since DS was born (now 7), DH has lost interest in his career completely. Juggling kids and work has worn us both down as we have no family nearby to help us out. I work part time, and I'm desperately trying to get promotions, pay rises etc to pay for stuff but DH just is not interested AT ALL in career progression. He has every excuse in the book - he's there for the kids, he's not stressed, he has a good pension plan etc etc. But he has no desire whatsover to take on any additional responsibility that might increase his salary.

I feel overwhelmed by the responsibility he puts on my shoulders by taking this attitude. He's helpful around the house, but the bulk of 'parenting' issues still falls to me. I feel like I'm giving 150% to every area of my life, and the resentment i feel is creeping in.

I've tried to tackle it but he refers me back to old problems at work that caused him stressed and points out that he's not 'Director' material and makes it very clear that I shouldn't push things. But he still wants foreign holidays, an extension, etc etc..........I'm trying to fill in the gaps.......

What would you do? I don't want to open a can of worms by giving him an ultimatum?? I'm worried this could blow up and cause a rift that we can't fix.

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 20/04/2015 18:01

My dh is the same, as am I .We would both rather have a less stressful job even if it means having to go without some things or working more hours. I wouldn't dream of putting any pressure on my dh to go for a promotion which could make him stressed or unhappy because I've seen what it can do to people. Does he put you under pressure to earn more to afford luxuries, if so you need to make it clear to him that you are not prepared to put yourself under more stress for luxuries you can do without.

CalicoBlue · 20/04/2015 21:30

My ex was like this and relied on me to run the show. He made no effort at work. One day after his appraisal, I asked how it went, he said not well. Let me guess, you are never on time, you are scruffy, you swear too much and you do not take initiative. He was surprised that I knew. He started with a small company that has grown massively, everyone who was there when he started is a Director, he is still at the same level, 10 years on.

Reader, I left him.

wobblebobblehat · 20/04/2015 22:04

There are plenty of men in the workplace like this. I think everyone finds their own level. Not everyone can be the Chief Executive.

Likewise, if you don't want the stress of 'filling in the gaps' then don't do it and tell him why.

I would try and make peace with the situation. There is no point in pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do. In the same way that you feel you are being forced to step up and do it all. I am sure you can reach a compromise where both of you are happy.

LinesThatICouldntChange · 21/04/2015 07:09

He's being unrealistic by expecting luxuries which are unaffordable. But you're being unfair to push him to get promotions. He's already working full time whereas you're only part time. With a school age child presumably you get some time during the week to yourself when you can recharge .... So you're hardly being fair by pushing him to achieve more. Why not both work full time (but without pressurising either of you to move higher up the career ladder) if there's a need for more money coming in?

tribpot · 21/04/2015 07:25

He doesn't sound ambitious. That's fine, not everyone is. He appears to want a family-friendly work-life balance (good) but this isn't translating into taking a greater proportion of the burden of family life. Why is that? Why, in simple terms, is he full-time and you part-time? It sounds like it should be the other way around.

However, with lower ambition comes - in a lot of cases - lower salary and thus less disposable income. That's fine too. But your post suggests he expects plenty of luxury despite neither being prepared to work for it nor making it possible for you to work for it. That isn't how life works.

BoozeyTuesday · 21/04/2015 07:51

You have one child? Is it really THAT hard with a seven year old and two working parents?

lottiegarbanzo · 21/04/2015 08:00

Live within your means. Be clear to him about what those means are and their limits. If he wants more, he needs to start a discussion about how it will be obtained, by whom, in a way that balances with family life, is fair and you are happy to agree to.

Don't do too much, pander to his unrealistic dreams and generally make a martyr or yourself. No-one respects a martyr.

rollonthesummer · 21/04/2015 08:33

Having had husband who nearly had a breakdown due to stress at work-I would warn against pushing him.

A few thoughts...

Could he work part time and you full time if you are more ambitious?

rollonthesummer · 21/04/2015 08:35

And the rest...

Could you work full time if you have just the one school-age child and money is tight?

Or stop plugging the gaps-explain you can't afford foreign holidays etc If he really wants them--he'll come up with ways to raise the money on his own. At the moment he doesn't have to because you do.

NewTwenty · 21/04/2015 08:41

I think the problem is sometimes that a mid-level job can be fairly manageable in normal hours, whereas the next step up the ladder involves a whole raft of extra responsibility in terms of budgeting, line management, strategy etc. However, the pay increase is often just one notch upwards, particularly where an organisation has fixed pay bands.

How about something out of hours like ebay trading to bring in extra cash?

TheClacksAreDown · 21/04/2015 08:48

You need to have a frank discussion about options. It's not compulsory to want to progress up and up (although personally I find lack of ambition a turn off) but you need to agree a family plan of who is going to do what and what that allows you to have as a family. Either you both accept that you have the income level you have now and you won't be able to do the holidays/extensions etc OR one or both of you prioritises getting ahead and bringing extra money in but accept that downsides of that which might be longer hours, more stress etc. If you're ambitious then perhaps you go full time and he goes part time or just takes more of the general family/children load as progresion is generally much harder when you're part time.

Jackieharris · 21/04/2015 08:54

My DP is a bit like this.

When we met he had an average income (but worked very long hours for it).

We both wanted him to cut his hours and he is now in a low paid job but has flexibility and no long hours.

However he still wants the lifestyle. Eg when we were going through our spending (as I was shocked when I saw how little was in the bank) we calculated that we'd spent £140 in a month on eating out. He just doesn't get that a nmw job doesn't afford that kind of lifestyle!

I'm in loads of debt but he just keeps spending! (£100 on paint at the weekend because the hall 'needs brightening up')

But I don't want to be the bitch who tells him how to spend his wages.

It's a really difficult dilemma to be in.

Basically he's never going to progress career wise. So yes, the pressures all on me to provide. He does do housework/childcare though.

tribpot · 21/04/2015 09:16

I'm in loads of debt but he just keeps spending! .. But I don't want to be the bitch who tells him how to spend his wages.

He's not spending his wages, he's spending yours. The family has to budget (where the money comes from is irrelevant really) and it has to manage with the money it has, whatever that is. That's not being a bitch.

Original poster

jjack39 · 21/04/2015 12:18

No we have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. Our childcare costs are huge.

OP posts:

Original poster

jjack39 · 21/04/2015 12:24

Thanks for your help everyone. Sorry perhaps I wasn't clear on how many children I have! I meant that my husband's attitude towards his career changed when my first child was born, but we have two children now, one of whom is just 3 and as she did not get into our local nursery she is in childcare 3.5 days a week while I am at work - so basically I'm either working or looking after her. A few of you recommended that we switch roles - I work full time and he works part time. It's an option I'll consider, although admittedly I'd be heartbroken! But it would pay the bills. And yes - some people are not ambitious and that's OK. But it's hard when you married someone who was ambitious and then changed his mind - we all hope that we will support our other halves throughout our lives no matter what, but his decision to stop pursuing a career changed the course of our lives, and it's difficult to accept. However I'm sure we will find a compromise, and it's comforting to see how many people have similar issues to face.

Thanks again for your comments and support. xxx

OP posts:

tribpot · 21/04/2015 12:37

It sounds as if you also want the best of both worlds - the option to work part-time yourself but have a high-earning partner so you don't suffer materially.

What seems to be missing is communication. You took the decision jointly that you would reduce to just 2.5 days per week (at least I assume this was joint) which would have a knock-on effect on your earning power and your future earning potential as it's very hard to get promoted when part-time. That decision was based on the status quo, i.e. him being career focused and thus likely to be increasing his earning potential in the future.

That hasn't panned out - and instead you are lucky enough to have a husband who wants to be hands on with his children and spend time at home. That's a good thing but it comes at a price. So now you need to renegotiate. It sounds like from a childcare cost perspective alone it would make sense for him to reduce hours and therefore reduce that bill.

redskybynight · 21/04/2015 12:44

OP - did you work full time before you had children? So you also "changed" when you had DC? I think lots of parents reevaluate the amount of time/energy they want to give to work when they have a family.

DH and I have both decided to "stick" at a level career wise that is manageable although we are both capable of doing more (and indeed both have done more in the past). That's because we value our life/work balance more than the extra money.

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