Job Change Dilemma - WWYD

[Taffybird]

Ok - it's a complex one so bear with me.

I left my home town for a new job about 4hrs drive away - that was 15 years ago and I've been in the same job ever since and love it. However since my DD was born I have often felt it would be nice to be closer to my family. I visit the family with DD every month so she spends plenty of time with them, and I don't really mind the drive, but occasionally I catch myself wishing that it wasn't so far. I've never regretted moving (except sometimes at Christmas when I feel a bit isolated, and for the first month after DD was born when I had PND).

I think I've always assumed that one day I'd end up moving back home, but didn't really have a timescale in mind. However now a job has come up back where I used to work which has made me think more seriously about it. The timing is good - DD starts school in September and if we're ever going to move I'd rather do it before she gets settled. It's more money than I'm on now, and quite different work.

My old boss invited me to discuss the job before it was advertised - he asked me what I'd be interested in doing, what hours I'd like etc, and then wrote the job description based on that. I've got an interview on Friday and he has strongly hinted that I'm likely to get it, and then I'll feel obliged to take it since he essentially designed the job for me (And if I turned it down now I'm pretty sure I'd never be offered another job there!)

Everyone I've told about it has said it's a no-brainer. A chance to move closer to the family, higher pay and at the perfect time to get DD started in school. I was feeling really positive about it too, until I got the official invitation to interview. Now I'm feeling a bit steamrollered, as if it's all happening too quickly and getting out of my control.

I'm bad at making decisions at the best of time, and I find big changes terribly stressful. I'm not sure how much of my hesitation is down to fear of change, and how much is genuine doubt about whether it would be the right move.

My husband, by the way, is amazingly supportive and his work is transferrable to pretty much anywhere. He says "Whatever you want to do is fine by me!" Kind, but unhelpful! If he had a preference it would be easier!

If anyone has any advice I'd be grateful. I know it has to be my decision in the end but I'm feeling pretty lost and overwhelmed at the moment and don't know where to start.

I would go for it. We're 1.5 hours away from any family and we really notice that lack of family support, to babysit for nights out, pick DS up from school if he's sick but DH and I both have important things going on at work, the chance for DS to have tea at his grandparents/ uncle's once a week etc.

This of course depends on why you left your original job with this company. If it was just because the 4 hour away job was amazing then move back, if you were actively looking because your original job / employer was grim then give good consideration to your reservations.

Thank you! I was hoping for responses from people with similar family issues so that's really helpful.

I left my old job because the new offer was too tempting to miss and kind of landed in my lap. I liked the work but was in a very junior role and was more than ready to move up. By the time my boss got permission to upgrade me I'd accepted the new job. (He was a bit miffed but looks like he's forgiven me!) Loved the new job from day one and didn't look back until DD was born.

By the way there were two people I found hard to work with at the old place but they weren't a part of my decision to leave and anyway they've both left now. I have no reason to suspect I'd be unhappy there - just homesick (ironically!)

In the space of 10 minutes I can go from feeling really happy about making another step up professionally and living close to my family to sobbing into my tea that I don't want to leave!

It sounds like a sensible move on many levels. It's understandable that you're intimidated, change is always scary, which is why so many people would rather stay in low level dissatisfaction than make a move to something better.

I can see why you feel swept along but if it were going slower would you feel happier?

Go for it!

Ok, so I did the interview and I got the job. I asked if I could think about it over the weekend. I was relieved to find that I wasn't expected to just accept it then and there. Chuffed to bits to get the offer but I learned a bit more about the role from talking to other staff and I'm not sure I'd like it. Now I'm wondering if I should just take it anyway because it's the right place and time.

I'll need to sleep on it. And I won't see DH until Sunday but we'll talk it over again and see how we feel. I know I'd be gutted to move because we've all been so happy where we are. But maybe it would be worth it to be closer to the family.

Tough one. But at least I did the interview. And romped it. Yay me!

Well done!

If there are aspects of the job you are unsure of, you could ask to go in for a chat again, to clear things up.

But if it's personal, only you can sort that out. It's great that your DH is supportive of whatever decision you make.

Go with your gut feel.

I'm pretty clear on all the requirements of the role - it's mostly the same stuff I did before I left, but at a management level. I quite liked it there when I was fresh out of uni and had no basis for comparison, but since moving I've found I much prefer the whole atmosphere and general ethos of my current place. And I've never really fancied management...was always quite content with a senior, but not top-level role, but now I'm wondering if I should give it a shot.

Right at this moment the thought of it makes my heart sink, but maybe I'll feel better after sleeping on it.

Any more thoughts on this TB?

Ok...so after an agonising weekend of sleepless nights, changing my mind back and forth and crying over my breakfast, I more or less decided to turn it down. Nice as it would be to live near my parents, taking a job that I'm not sure about just wasn't worth it. I wrote an email turning down the post, then sat on it all day feeling miserable. I concluded that if I was so unhappy at the thought of turning it down, accepting must be the way to go. So I accepted it then and there before I could change my mind again.

That was Monday. Since then I've been a mess. Plagued with doubts about whether I'm doing the right thing (which I knew I would be), absolutely dreading the upheaval of moving and panicking about whether I can do the job and "what if I hate it?!!" thoughts. It got so bad I was physically shaking at work on Wednesday and I'm now on sertraline for anxiety. Every time I think about the job I feel something like lava pouring into my stomach and I can't even function. But I still don't know if this is all stemming from fear of change, or a sign that it's the wrong decision.

Has anyone else gone through this? I just wish I could get my head around it to the point where I can feel happy and excited about what should be a positive step. I know it was would be good for us as a family, but I can't seem to find any enthusiasm.

Can you find someone wise and impartial to talk this through with? From the outside it sounds like the perfect opportunity. Can you identify what specifically you are scared of? To me it sounds like fear of change not a gut feeling about the job. It would be a shame for your fear to stop you taking up what promises to be a good opportunity.

I agree. I would really hate to lose such a great chance just because of fear. But I'm not sure I (or my family) can cope with the anxiety I'm feeling for much longer. And if it gets any worse I won't be able to take the job anyway because the first thing I'll do is go off sick with stress!

My poor DH has been so tolerant of my indecision but even he is at his wits' end with me and my fear. I don't know why I feel so anxious - I wasn't this bad about moving away from home in the first place. I think what I'm most afraid of is being unhappy. I have no real reason to suppose I'll be unhappy there (and every reason to suppose I'll be unhappy here if I miss this opportunity!)

I need to get a lid on this fear somehow. I really want to find some determination to be happy, and it's so stupid that an opportunity like this, which should have brought excitement and joy, has just brought me heartache.

Ok. After yet another awful night that had me waking at 4am in a panic, shaking so much I had to get up to avoid waking my husband, I have had do do some serious soul searching. The only way I could calm myself enough to doze off again (in the spare room) was by repeating to myself that we don't have to move. We can stay where we are and be happy.

I woke feeling happier. I have had to conclude that in my soul I want to stay put, regardless of the benefits of living near my family. Surely I wouldn't be feeling such anxiety if moving back was what I really wanted? I just don't think it's in my nature to give up a job that I know I like for one that I might like, regardless of any other benefits.

And I have to face the fact that I will not be able to get through the next week, let alone the move, while I feel like this. I am no use to DD like this - she has noticed that Mummy is not quite Mummy and it's already upset her. DH is at the end of his rope. There is no point in moving the family closer to my parents if we fall apart in the process.

Logically, I know it would be worth taking a chance on the job. I am just not strong enough right now and I have to accept that. I will give myself a chance to get well again and rebuild the happy life we had before this all happened.

Hi op

Just wanted to say I'm going through a similar decision this weekend without anywhere near as much at stake. Mine is just a job change with no move involved. I'm still full of anxiety and feel a bit panicky about it.

I know where you're coming from and I understand the overwhelming urge to press stop and make it go away.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. There is no way of knowing what the outcome might be either way.

Good luck

Hi, I'm going through a similar thing too, although I haven't got the job yet. I live 2 hours away from our families and have always wanted to go home. I will say though, that despite the fact that I'd prefer the new job (better hours, less stress etc), I'm still scared of going for it. I think it's because we've been here for 10 years and know the place, the job etc and any chance is scary. I hope I get it but it will be a huge upheavel despite being what we want, so I'd imagine if you have any doubts whatsoever it would be even harder. X